“A huge connection exists between your willingness to receive and what you actually get.” ~ Amanda Owen
At this time of year with the Winter Holidays and the New Year upon us, we have a wonderful opportunity to reflect on the art of giving and receiving. For many of us dedicated to caring for others, sometimes even before ourselves, the art of giving may flow easily for us.
Giving provides us an opportunity to feel purposeful, meaningful, and connected. It allows us to express our love for others in concrete and practical ways. Giving gifts is one way we nurture others, but there are so many other ways including the gift of our time, sharing food, taking care of and supporting others, and remaining open and loving.
Giving feels good…but how about receiving?
How good are you at the art of receiving?
If you are not sure how to answer that question, think about a time recently when someone gave you a compliment. How did you receive it? Did you accept it graciously with a thank you, or did you respond in some way that minimized what was shared or deflected the compliment all together?
If you are anything like me or many of the clients I have worked with over the past twenty-five years, receiving does not come naturally. When you are a proud member of the “Nurture Everyone Else First Club”, not only is receiving not part of how you orient yourself in the world, it can actually feel uncomfortable. As a result, even receiving a compliment can be challenging. When we attach our identity to being a giver, we actually block the possibility of receiving.
The longer we stay in the cycle of giving but not receiving, the more stressed, exhausted, and eventually burned out we become. The joy we felt in the giving drains away and we start feeling resentful and unappreciated. We actually diminish our ability to give by not receiving, as we have less to give and the quality of our giving is diminished by the energy of resentment, obligation, and bitterness attached to the giving.
When we are drained but still giving, we may expect to be acknowledged and appreciated for our generous giving, and if that does not happen we can feel even more resentment, anger, and disconnection. Since our giving is rooted in nurturing people we love and care about, feeling disconnected can be profoundly painful and decrease the sense of purpose our giving usually provides.
Another contributing factor is our cultural heroine – the selfless mother. We may believe that the selfless mother is the most giving, nurturing, and loving mother around, and aspire to live up to that standard. The problem is that the selfless mother is a total illusion and feeds our unrealistic expectations of giving. In fact, most selfless mothers are overwhelmed, exhausted, resentful, impatient, and not able to focus on what their child really needs in a situation, as they are perpetually putting out fires living in crisis management mode.
I have a vision of a much more empowering and realistic heroine – one that has mastered the art of giving and receiving. When we intentionally nurture ourselves consistently we can easily give from a filled up and abundant place and our joyful giving can flow with ease and grace. Imagine what amazing role models we can be in the world when we give from a filled-up cup! But for this to happen we must expand our ability to receive.
As Alexander McCall Smith points out, “Gracious acceptance is an art – an art which most never bother to cultivate. We think that we have to learn how to give, but we forget about accepting things, which can be much harder than giving… Accepting another person’s gift is allowing him to express his feelings for you.”
To start the process of learning to receive, I invite you to reflect on the following questions:
1.How can you begin to cultivate the art of receiving in your life today?
To answer this question, you may need to assess what areas of your life you are consistently giving more than you are receiving. You may identify certain relationships, roles, responsibilities, jobs, etc. where you give more than you receive. Developing more awareness of where you give and where you receive in your life in general can be incredibly helpful in the process of cultivating the art of receiving into your life. Increasing our self-awareness and bringing mindfulness to our process of giving and receiving is nurturing in and of itself, as it highlights our value and worth. Give yourself permission today to receive in some new area of your life and begin filling up your cup in nurturing and empowering ways.
2.Where could you accept another person’s gift or help?
If you find that you are often giving more help than you are receiving, start accepting help when it is offered. Receiving help will reinforce the value and worth of your needs and expand your support system. You will find that asking for and receiving help will reinforce that you do not have to do it all yourself in life, and the practice offers others an opportunity to nurture you. Even if receiving is uncomfortable at first, continue to stretch into this practice. When you see receiving help, a compliment or a gift as an act of self-nurturing, you are cultivating the art of giving and receiving.
3.What difference could cultivating the art of receiving make in your life?
To answer this question, I invite you to try the easiest way to develop your receiving muscles – accept a compliment. When you are given a compliment this week simply say thank you. This one simple act can be revolutionary and change your experience of receiving. Opening to receiving with gratitude is a powerful act of giving and receiving and is profoundly nurturing. To deepen the process, check in with how you feel after accepting a compliment. Notice any negative self-talk present or feelings of not being worthy of the positive feedback. This information will point you toward the belief that may be feeding your difficulty in receiving and provide you an opportunity to transform it.
Using these three reflective questions and the self-nurturing practices shared will support you in beginning to cultivate the art of giving and receiving. You have the power to intentionally give and receive in a way that allows you to shine brightly in the world – giving purposefully and receiving others’ gifts graciously. This beautifully self-fulfilling cycle will bring more love, light, peace, and joy to ourselves and to a world so desperately needing it.
I leave you with the gift of insight and wisdom on the art of giving and receiving from two of my heroines, Brene Brown and Maya Angelou.
“Until we can receive with an open heart, we are never really giving with an open heart.” ~Brene Brown
‘”When we give cheerfully and accept gratefully, everyone is blessed.” Maya Angelou
May you commit to open heartedly giving and gratefully receiving as you nurture peace and joy in the world from the inside out!
Sending you peace, love and gratitude, Kelley
