“The thing that is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself.” ~Anna Quindlen
Expecting ourselves to be perfect is one of the most damaging and limiting things we can do to our growth and self-worth. Many of us spend an extraordinary amount of time holding ourselves to unrealistic expectations and then feel bad about ourselves because we can’t meet them. As a result, we believe that there is something wrong with us that we don’t measure up and are unable to do all the things we think we should be able to do. To compensate we may add more and more “shoulds” to our “to do” lists, trying harder and harder and ending up feeling overwhelmed, exhausted, and filled with shame.
When this happens, our shame and sense of unworthiness usually prevent us from consistently nurturing ourselves. We end up on the bottom of our “to do” lists leading to chronic stress, overwhelm, and lack of meaning in all our doing. When we buy into all the “shoulds” we disempower ourselves and are driven by other people’s expectations of us rather than living from our own authentic truth. Over time we may lose touch with who we are and what is important to us feeling more and more unfulfilled and unhappy.
With all of the challenges we have faced collectively over the last few years, choosing to release the shame of our unfulfilled “shoulds” could be the wisest and most empowering thing to do. When we recognize that we have the power to release our shame, we begin to reclaim our value and worth and what is truly important to us. Letting go of shame helps us see that the problem does not exist in us but rather in the unrealistic expectations we are holding ourselves to in the first place. Releasing the shame that has been weighing us down like a heavy backpack will open up new energy, creativity, and possibilities in our lives. Letting go of the shame will require that we reject perfectionism and our habit of continually “shoulding” on ourselves. Making this empowered decision will create more space to live in alignment with our values. Releasing shame will help us reconnect to ourselves, our authentic needs, desires, and hopes, and will stop us from the unfulfilling experience of living from obligation and other people’s expectations of us.
You can choose to release the shame of unfulfilled “shoulds” today by starting anew. Bring your new awareness of how unrealistic the expectations you held for yourself are and choose to release them. Assess your list of unfulfilled “shoulds” and bring compassion and kindness to yourself for not completing them. Remind yourself that you have inherent value and worth and that your unfulfilled “shoulds” are not evidence of your unworthiness. Bring empathy and self-compassion to the process. Choose to respond to yourself with compassion and create space to acknowledge how you are feeling, affirm your experience, and remind yourself that you have been doing the best that you can.
I believe that choosing to respond to ourselves with compassion is a transformational act of acceptance and love. When we are able to accept and love ourselves and our choices, we have the ability to live more honestly and authentically and with more peace. Self-compassion then becomes the foundation of transforming our shame and unworthiness and empowers us to live with more peace and ease. As Christopher Germer reminds us ,“A moment of self-compassion can change your entire day. A string of such moments can change the course of your life.”
When we choose to be kind and loving to ourselves and treat ourselves with self-compassion, we can more gently approach our mistakes, unfinished “to do” lists, and challenging situations seeing them as opportunities to grow and learn. This self-nurturing response will help us become shame resilient over time and release the shame more quickly. Indeed, that kinder and more gentle approach is how we love ourselves as we are making self-compassion the foundation of our self-nurturing practice. Befriending ourselves by embracing self-compassion will open us to the infinite possibilities of truly knowing ourselves, and being engaged in our lives with a wide-open heart! Cultivating compassion for ourselves will deepen our self-nurturing practice and create new patterns in our brains. Choosing self-compassion turns challenges into lessons and struggle into gratitude and growth.
The power of self-compassion is that it invites you to love yourself just as you are and supports you in owning and accepting all of who you are. As a result you can forgive yourself when you make a mistake or do not complete your “to do” list instead of rejecting yourself or any aspect of yourself. When we choose to treat ourselves with kindness and compassion, we teach others by our example and the ripple effects are endless.
From this place of self-compassion, we can release shame and transform our feelings of unworthiness. When we choose to be kind to ourselves, we reinforce our value and self-worth. With each act of self-compassion, we reinforce our worthiness and nurture inner peace and self-acceptance. As Brene Brown reminds us, “Authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we are supposed to be and embracing who we are.” Releasing the shame of unfulfilled “shoulds” is a liberating experience and creates more space in your life to embrace who you truly are.
May you be empowered to release the shame of unfulfilled “shoulds” and nurture peace in the world from the inside out!
Sending you so much peace, love and gratitude, Kelley
