“Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others.” ~Brene Brown
At the core of self-nurturing is the courage to love ourselves enough to set boundaries even when we risk disappointing others. Learning to prioritize our needs and feelings is critical to nurturing our self-worth and value. Setting boundaries is an empowering way to demonstrate that we value and respect ourselves and an important way we let people know how we want to be treated. Boundaries establish guidelines for how we want to be with others in our environment and evolve and change as we do over time.
A major focus of my work counseling clients over the years has been nurturing healthy boundaries. I have found that when we learn to set healthy boundaries, we are able to cultivate healthy relationships with ourselves and others. Since self-nurturing is fundamentally about nurturing a relationship with ourselves, cultivating the courage to set boundaries is essential to becoming the artist of your own life.
And indeed, it requires courage because there are so many reasons that make boundary setting challenging. The biggest reason I have found is when we struggle with low self-esteem or self-worth issues, we may not feel that we have the right to ask others how to treat us. Also, if we are motivated to please people and want to avoid disappointing others at all costs, setting boundaries can sometimes feel impossible. When we believe that it is our job to nurture and care for everyone else in our lives except ourselves, we can lose touch with how we feel and what we need which is critical in the process of setting boundaries. And unfortunately, when we don’t set healthy boundaries, we often have more experiences where we feel disrespected, unappreciated, and unsupported, which reinforce our feelings of unworthiness and limit the peace and joy in our lives. Not feeling like we can set boundaries can also show up in our saying yes to things that we really want to say no to. Does any of that sound familiar?
So how do we cultivate the courage to set healthy boundaries in our lives?
As with all new adventures we need to make an intentional decision to begin and bring awareness to how we are currently setting boundaries.
- Start by making a list of how you wish to be treated by others.
- Then assess how you currently set boundaries to reinforce how you want to be treated.
- Reflect on whether you treat yourself the way you want to be treated and make a commitment to begin.
- Choose one boundary to support how you want to be treated and practice saying it aloud until you feel ready to set it with another person.
- Start small and acknowledge yourself for valuing yourself enough to set a boundary and for cultivating the courage required to set it.
- Be consistent with the boundary you are setting.
- Remember this is about progress not perfection so focus on your growth.
When we recognize that we teach others how to treat us this awareness can inspire us to consistently set clear and healthy boundaries. Brene Brown writes that “Clarity is kindness.” I love this powerful statement because it transforms my doubt about whether I should set a boundary by reminding me that I am being kind by doing so. My boundaries give other people an opportunity to know how I want to be treated and create space to deepen the relationship as we talk about it. Setting boundaries requires courage, vulnerability, and commitment to healthier relationships.
We receive a lot of information about people by how they respond to the boundaries we set. Some may accept our boundaries with ease while others may have more difficulty. Some people at first may push against a boundary if you have not set this boundary before, but over time, they will recognize the boundary’s importance to you as you continue to set it. You may also find that people unwilling to respect your boundaries are people you may want to limit the amount of time you spend with. Being consistent with our boundaries will require an ongoing cultivation of courage and is a powerful practice of self-nurturing.
Setting boundaries are also critical for nurturing ourselves as they reinforce the importance of listening to our feelings, acknowledging what we need, and prioritizing what is important to us. Developing a practice of listening to ourselves by pausing throughout the day and checking in with how we are feeling and what we need can support our ability to set boundaries and honor them. Taking a mindful pause to tune in to yourself in an ongoing way will help feed your confidence and courage to know how and when to set and honor your boundaries both personally and professionally.
As Gina Greenlee wrote, “Honoring your own boundaries is the clearest message to others to honor them, too.” If we do not enforce our own boundaries, we teach people that we are not serious about them. Over time our boundaries will be seen as optional instead of essential. When we do not honor our own boundaries, we start to lose trust in and respect for ourselves. Not honoring our own boundaries undermines our relationship with ourselves and undermines our worthiness. Instead committing to honor our boundaries feeds our self-worth and value and reminds us how courageous we are!
And the beautiful thing about courage is that it grows like a muscle when we use it. The more you courageously set healthy boundaries in your life, the more empowered you feel and the healthier your relationships will become. Every time you set a healthy boundary; you give other people permission to do the same creating healthier relationships, families, and communities. Cultivating the courage to set boundaries is definitely how we nurture peace in the world from the inside out. Committing to healthy boundaries is another way to become the artist of your own beautiful life and create powerful ripple effects of health and healing in the world.
As Rachel Wolchin reminds us, “Givers need to set limits because takers rarely do.”
May you cultivate the courage to set healthy boundaries as you nurture peace in the world from the inside out!
Sending you peace, love and gratitude, Kelley
