“Love yourself enough to set boundaries. Your time and energy are precious.
You get to choose how you use it.” ~Anna Taylor
If you are anything like me, saying yes when help is needed flows easily from your lips. Being an expert nurturer and someone who loves to help others, I have often prioritized the needs of others over my own. And I know I am not alone in this experience. Just recently at a workshop I facilitated called “Nurturing Your Health and Wellness” a participant shared that she has prioritized the health and wellness of others over her own her entire life.
When I reflect on my experience and what motivated me to say yes, I can see that sometimes saying yes seemed like the right thing to do. When my daughter was having health challenges and needed me, I was there for her. When a friend was struggling with grief, I supported her. When a colleague at work needed me to teach a class for her, I was happy to help. When a volunteer was needed at my daughters’ schools, our faith community, or for a cause I cared deeply about I said yes.
And in truth, most of the time I felt good about saying yes. Saying yes gave me a sense of purpose and contributed to my feeling needed and important. The more I said yes, the more opportunities for saying yes appeared. Before I knew it, I was overwhelmed with responsibilities and leadership roles. I was the room mom, soccer coach, book fair coordinator, and lead volunteer for multiple organizations in addition to running my own business and working for nonprofits.
Saying yes became my default mode and even though I carried cute post-it notes that read “Stop me before I volunteer again” I would inevitably come home from meetings with new volunteer roles. When I would share with others what I was doing, people were always so impressed and said it was amazing how much I could do.
I found that there is tremendous social pressure to say yes and just as much positive reinforcement for doing so. Unfortunately, this is unsustainable and the more I said yes, the less and less time there was for me. Over time I became resentful about all the roles and responsibilities I had taken on and often felt exhausted and overwhelmed. I was stretched beyond my capacity and as a result thought I wasn’t doing anything well. I felt like a failure. I looked around and it appeared that everyone else was able to do it all and wondered what was wrong with me that I was struggling?
Have you ever felt this way?
Well if so, you are not alone. In addition to my own experience, I have heard from hundreds of women over the past ten years of teaching self-nurturing practices that have experienced this exact thing. Caring for everyone in their lives except themselves left these women feeling exhausted, overwhelmed, and totally ineffective.
When I realized that saying yes to everyone was part of my pattern of self-neglect and was unsustainable, I got curious about how to transform it. The most obvious choice was to start saying no. So how could I strengthen my “no” muscle and let go of feeling guilty and selfish in the process? How could I begin cultivating the art of saying no and still nurture others?
I decided to institute a new practice – only saying yes to things that brought me joy. I loved this new boundary. It gave me permission to say no to what did not bring me joy, in order to truly embrace yes for what did. This practice felt deeply nurturing and honored my desire to still be of service, but from a profoundly authentic place – a place where I was nourished by my giving and more discerning about where and when I gave my precious time and energy.
Imagine giving yourself permission to answer yes only to those things that bring you joy and an empowered no to what does not.
For a moment, think about something you have been feeling unsure about saying yes to and ask yourself if this activity would bring you joy? If the answer is no – then your answer is no. If the answer is yes, then embrace the yes!
What I love about this self-nurturing practice is that it is less about the no and more about saying yes to joy. When we have prioritized other people’s needs and feelings over our own it can be difficult to know what brings us joy. The wonderful thing is, the more you ask yourself this question the clearer you will become about what brings you joy.
In the process of cultivating the art of saying no, I found a few statements helpful: let me get back to you with my answer; I am flattered you thought of me but I am not available; thank you but not at this time. I stopped giving excuses about why I could not do something and started saying no as complete sentence. I gave myself permission to only say yes if I really wanted to and over time became more and more comfortable saying no. I can now flex my no muscle at any time without feeling guilty or selfish because I know I am giving from a filled up, open hearted, and generous place rather than from obligation.
I learned the art of saying no gave me space to get clear about what I wanted to invite into my life. In the process I have become more self-aware, self-compassionate, and empowered, giving myself permission to change my mind if I want to.
And the beautiful thing is, I have so much more energy to give when I embrace yes, and the activities I say yes to become nurturing and enriching. Viewing this practice through the lens of being an art form reminds me I do not have to be perfect. Instead I am committed to being mindful and aware when I say yes and no. Over time the practice has become part of how I protect and express my authentic self and I no longer judge myself through the lens of how much I do. It has allowed me to detach my identity from my roles and responsibilities and prioritize what I need.
My life is still rich and full but not from obligation and the compulsion to help others in order to have value and worth. Instead I choose to give from an empowered and filled up place, where my giving is full of joy. I honor others when they say no and thank them for their clarity. I am grateful for the inspiration of these role models and am happy to be a role model for others in living the art of saying no to embrace yes!
I love what Suzette R. Hinton wrote about saying no, “We must say “no” to what, in our heart, we don’t want. We must say “no” to doing things out of obligation, thereby cheating those important to us of the purest expression of our love. We must say “no” to treating ourselves, our health, our needs as not as important as someone else’s. We must say “no.”
May you cultivate the art of saying no to embrace yes as you nurture peace in the world from the inside out!
Sending you peace, love and gratitude, Kelley
