As women we find ourselves in a stage of reinvention at different times in our lives for different reasons. You may be recently divorced or widowed, or changing jobs or pursuing a different career, or maybe you are like me and suddenly that long awaited (and dreaded) empty nest is here. Whatever brings you to this place in your life of crossroads; you are one step closer to realizing your next great chapter of life and embracing change as you “live the big stuff!”
This may mean you have to release the past and move into the unknown territory of self-discovery to receive a new dream. This may also confront you with some healing work as you release the suffering and pain of what it means to be in what most people consider an identity crisis. I prefer to see this time as a rebirth and letting go of the pain and suffering that comes from being attached to an identity. One of my favorite Wayne Dyer quotes is: “When you are what you do, when you don’t, you aren’t.” Boy, doesn’t that sum it up perfectly what happens to us when we are over-identified with our roles in life?
Each of us has a story to share that marks a journey. There is tremendous power in your story to teach others. Through your story you can also become self-aware understanding that the culmination of the events in our lives shape our beliefs and our ideas about who we think we are. And, whatever story you tell yourself about yourself reveals itself in your agreement with reality. Each of us views the world through a filter, a set of eyeglasses so to speak. Your perception of reality becomes the experiences of your life. Even in your D.N.A there are those threads of experiences that have woven together to define your life like a fine piece of art that comes together in a tapestry that reveals a life story and a lineage. Here’s the clincher: Your thoughts about who you are affect your actions and how you show up in your love relationships, your work, and ultimately in the most important relationship you have, which is the one you have with yourself. It behooves us to clear our heads of wrong thinking. (That kind of thought pattern that is self-destructive rather than self-propagating.)
There are many questions to consider about the kind of relationship you have with yourself. Are your thoughts kind, gentle and loving when you talk to yourself? Or are you harsh, angry and berating? Are you ignited by the passion you feel or are you caught in negative self-talk about how you don’t have any time to pursue your dreams? Are you incapacitated right now because of your perceived circumstances, or are you immobile because of your many choices?
In order to shift your agreement with reality, you need to be present and aware of your thoughts and the stories you tell yourself like audio and visual tapes that are played over and over in your mind. If you are feeling stuck, perhaps it is the story you tell yourself that has locked you with resistance on a hamster-wheel and circular thinking that turns round and round. Perhaps your repetitive cycle of thoughts has you stuck in this rut you find yourself?
Early in my experience of loss, I had a telephone conversation with another widow. I had called her company to repair a minor dent in my car. I’m not sure how it came up that I had recently lost my husband, but she began to share with me how she was also a widow and how her husband had died in a freak jet-ski accident. As she shared her drama, it felt as though his death was very recent. She was crying and talking about how hard it has been; understandably, she was left to be a single mom, running his business and raising their young children. I was shocked to find out it had been five years since the accident. Five years later, the pain was palpable. She suffered like it was a fresh wound of yesterday. My personal insight was quick and swift like a light bulb that turned on. I realized I could easily be this woman five years from now if I got stuck where I was in my story of feeling sorry for myself for very much the same reasons this woman had. In this moment my story shifted into that of a “Shero.” I decided that no matter what I would overcome this suffering and move forward, knowing it would take some time to heal. At this point, early on, I began to form a very powerful agreement with reality that told myself I would go through the valley of darkness as the warrior I am praying and hoping with all my heart to some day, return to joy.
Releasing control can be difficult. I wasn’t very good at it, until I realized through Richard’s sudden death that having control is merely illusion. Joseph Campbell says: “You must give up the life you’ve planned in order to have the one that is waiting for you.” Letting go of your past does not mean you lose your history. It means that you step into each day fresh, without attachment at the ego level, as a new person, born again, embracing this day with the eyes of wonder offering your presence to this moment right here, right now. Your story is valuable; you are all of it and you are none of it in the present moment.
As you release the pain and suffering of the wounded heart (and that part of your story), you can let go, hence creating space for new thoughts to form and a new chapter to be revealed. It’s the noticing and the awareness of your thoughts that shift the pattern.
We call in grace when we surrender control and allow our lives to unfold into the present moment. This is the beauty of the feminine journey that nothing is for naught and it is all fluid like water. No matter what your story is about your life or what your circumstances appear to be, as you move forward and step into a new dream, picture yourself at the ocean’s edge walking along the seashore, carrying bright colorful balloons representing the events of your life and all aspects of who you are that you carry with you. You are feeling every grain of sand in your toes as you leave footprints where you walk. You are open, your heart soaring with every crashing wave at your feet. As you step and feel the breeze and salt air, each step moves you forward into a new adventure. The more present you are, the more in tuned and self aware you can be to this new relationship you have with yourself. The next chapter of your life will be revealed as you continue to step in, and through personal growth and self-awareness, you can reinvent your universe from where you are now—and who knows, you may just find yourself creating bliss.
