Hello my name is Amy and I’m an “approval addict,” recovering with the occasional relapse.
Confessions of a Gold Star Chaser
I’m a “Performer.” What this means is that for most of my adult life, I’ve been chasing “gold stars” to get other people to approve of me.
Not just approve, actually, to adore me. I wanted people to see me walking down the street and say, “there goes Amy. Did you know she solved the hunger problem? How does she do it and stay so thin?”
If I could get the Entire Known Universe to like me, I figured I’d always be invited to the best parties, make great money at a job I loved, I thought my life would feel as sparkly and shiny as it looked on the outside.
The Hamster Wheel
My life was a hamster wheel of constant striving — seeking out one accomplishment after another (and I had to look perfect doing it.) There was always another ten pounds to lose, another person to impress, another incomplete task on my enormous to do list.
I didn’t know it at the time but I was living in a self-imposed prison. I was trying to be someone I wasn’t so anxiety was my only real companion.
The gold stars I was chasing were leading me further and further away from the life I really wanted. I was trying to win over people I didn’t like. I was in a prestigious job for the prestige, nothing else. I was letting the bathroom scale dictate my self worth and I was racking up more and more credit card debt trying to look perfect.
My Life Didn’t “Fit In” with Me
I had created a life that didn’t fit me at all, just to feel a sense of belonging, to fit in. I was maintaining a persona that wasn’t me, so I could feel good about myself. But it wasn’t working and I couldn’t figure out why. I thought the solution was to achieve more, lose more weight, do better, be better.
Does any of this sound familiar?
It’s Normal to Want Approval
The thing is, wanting approval is normal. In fact it’s a biological drive rooted in the human need for security.
The problem is that a lot people internalize the idea that parts of themselves – their quirks, mistakes, things that happened to them, things that happened in their family– are NOT fit for human consumption.
So they hide. They hide parts of themselves they don’t want other people to know about. Because they’re certain if peopleknew the truth…
“Well they definitely wouldn’t hang out with me, or invite me to their parties and they certainly wouldn’t hire me.”
I call it an “approval seeking façade.” Contrary to popular belief, not everyone goes into “people pleaser” mode to get approval. Which is why I created eight “Approval Seeking Personality Types.”
The truth is we all have a persona, many depending on the circumstance. I act differently when I’m coaching a client than I do when I’m with my kids.
The problem isn’t the persona. The problem is when you use it to extract approval or avoid rejection from other people — at your expense. You start to think that persona is Who You Really Are. You end up living a life that your true self would never recognize.
Flash forward ten years:
I’m no longer hiding behind a persona that doesn’t fit. And because of that my life is a true reflection of who I am, quirks and all.
I’m not trying to be all things to all people.
In fact, I’m not trying at all. It’s effortless to be me, no apologies.
Being me, no apologies, is what allows me to create a life that finally fits.
I’ve created a community over at LiveBrazen.com. Thousands have taken my classes and programs. People are calling me a thought leader. But most importantly, I’ve found my purpose and it connects perfectly with my passion.
My success has nothing to do with being better than you. It’s not because I’m smarter or better looking…
It’s because I’m willing to be myself, uncensored, no apologies.
YOU are magnetic. YOU are fascinating. And YOU can find the life that fits you.
When you stop hiding.
5 Questions to Ask Yourself…
1) How do you hide? Do you try to appear smarter or more competent than you think you are? Maybe you wear certain clothes to “fit in.” Or hold back when you think your opinion might offend someone? These are examples of hiding.
2) What’s the “pay off”? All lot of people think they benefit from hiding. The truth is you’re pre-emptively rejecting yourself out of fear of potential rejection. Is it worth it?
3) What do you lose by hiding? Consider the “costs” of hiding. How much time do you spend trying to figure out what people will think? How does this impact you in your life? Are you having any fun?
4) What are you afraid might happen if you to drop the persona? People render themselves invisible to their people by trying to please the naysayers. Trust me, the naysayers will always be there, no matter what you do.
5) How do you link your persona with your sense of self? Approval seekers and rejection avoiders spend so much time chasing approval that when they do decide to stop, many don’t know what to do with themselves. Trust me, it can be scary, but all the good stuff waits for you on the other side!
