Have you ever felt guilty about cancelling plans or not responding to your best friend’s text message? You shouldn’t, but most women put so much pressure on themselves to do more that saying ‘no’ often feels like failure.
But taking mental breaks to refill your cup and reduce your chances of burning out isn’t defeat — rather, it’s an investment in your body and mind that can make you more successful than a continuous chain of ‘yesses’ ever could.
The trick is getting the people around you to realize that taking a little breathing room is normal, healthy, and necessary. To set effective boundaries, you need to strike the right balance of being polite yet assertive so you don’t risk ruining relationships.
This is a complex issue for many people, because our society prizes selflessness and abhors selfishness, effectively setting one way of being against the other.
“The alternatives are either to love others, which is a virtue, or to love oneself, which is a sin,” wrote social scientist and philosopher Erich Fromm, in his essay titled “Selfishness and Self-Love.”
While few people would argue about being considerate of others, it could be worthwhile to evaluate our beliefs around being selfish. Do we really aspire to always put ourselves last on the never-ending list? Or is it important to love and value ourselves, to think for ourselves, to have our own lives and to be able to love others without losing ourselves? How do we balance valuing ourselves and egotistically indulging ourselves?
The answers lie in self-knowledge. When we go within to reflect and come to truly understand ourselves—the sacred and profane dimensions of our lives—we develop the capacity to deal honestly, thoughtfully and lovingly with ourselves, as well as other people.
We also develop a better understanding of our limits when it comes to productivity and meeting obligations. Because despite what your favorite motivational speaker tells you, we all have limits. In the book Dark Nights of the Soul, Thomas Moore said, “As a human being you have limits. Your soul is vast and participates in the infinite, but your life is bound by time, place, and the laws of nature and humanity.”
This is a sobering thought in a time where things are moving at lightning speed and there’s great potential for overwhelm. Technology’s ubiquitous time saving apps and devices seem to have yielded less leisure time, not more. Employers are demanding longer work hours. Many adults are sandwiched between the needs of younger and older generations.
Another challenge is dealing with the cultural belief system in place, one that overrates doing and achievement and underrates quality of experience and connection with values.
In that cultural mindset, it’s not unusual for a friend, an online article, or an Instagram post to suggest the well-known “Nike solution”: Just do it. Make priorities. Choose three things and accomplish them quickly. Sort through the mail as soon as it arrives. Do a “brain dump” and create a massive to-do list with everything that you can think of on it. Get started right now!
Did you feel tension in your shoulders just by reading that?
They are not necessarily bad suggestions, but overcoming overwhelm isn’t really about measuring accomplishment. It’s about slowing down and connecting with what has meaning for us, with what feeds and enlivens us.
In order to connect with what feeds and enlivens us, we need to step back and create space for ourselves.
Signs that you need a little breathing room
Each of us have our individual symptoms and triggers for overwhelm. Your symptoms can be:
- Physical – nail biting, clumsiness, neck or back ache
- Psychological – forgetful, rude, defensive, impatient
- Social – misunderstandings, inadequate boundaries
- Spiritual – loss of sense of purpose, unsure of what’s important
- Triggers are also unique to each of us: a deadline, a certain tone of voice, changes at home or at work.
Noticing these signs and triggers is like setting off the two-minute warning buzzer: time for an intervention. This could look like asking for the space you need. Consider the following four strategies that can help you avoid draining your brain and your energy without coming across as ungrateful:
#1 – Turn Cancellations into Positive Experiences
The fear of missing out is real, which is why we’re inclined to say ‘yes’ to every invitation or opportunity. But there can also be joy in missing out, especially when you don’t have to come up with weak excuses just to get out of a play date or dinner party.
When you want to turn someone down, be polite and thank the person for thinking of you, then explain that you’re taking some time to focus on yourself. You may even ask to schedule another time in the future to let them know you value their company.
#2 – Take a Family “Time-Out”
Most kids are no strangers to being sent to time-out. Consider flipping the script and telling them you’re putting yourself in time-out (and watch them giggle about it). Tell them you need a break and will be back in “mommy mode” in ten minutes. Remind them that we all need some alone time.
#3 – Honor Your Inner Introvert
Despite most people identifying as an introvert, the world seems made for extroverts. Society tends to cater to people who are sociable, connected, and engaging. But don’t let this bias stop you from embracing your introverted qualities.
You don’t have to live up to anyone’s standards except your own, and doing otherwise would be doing yourself an injustice.
When you need space because you’re feeling the pinch of being social, say, “I love you, but I need some alone time.” It’s a powerful, clear message that honors your need to escape without your loved ones feeling like they’re a burden.
#4 – Stop Feeling Overwhelmed by Gaining Buy-In
Some people may need more alone time than others, but no one can thrive in the presence of others all the time. When you’re feeling overwhelmed and need a break, help others to see your feelings through your eyes.
Put your request into an honest question, such as, “Have you ever had one of those days where you feel like nothing is going right, and you just need a little time to yourself?”
Questions like these are highly relatable and can help others understand what you’re going through without taking it personally.
Don’t Feel Guilty about Taking Time for Yourself
Asking for space is one of the biggest favors you can do for your livelihood. Don’t take it as a sign of weakness — it takes strength to recognize when you’re doing too much and stick to the boundaries that prevent you from breaking down.
It’s also not selfish. It’s an act of self-care to create space for yourself. It will help you come into alignment with your values and needs. From that place, you’ll find the inner resources and spaciousness you need to get on with life.
Use these tips to give yourself some breathing room — you’ll be amazed at how much better and more empowered you feel.
