June is a very bright and vital woman.She grew up in a family that valued women who stayed at home raising their children. Not wanting to be judged or rejected by her family, June followed in her mother’s footsteps, giving up her budding career in TV advertising to get married and have children. June became a “good” mother – driving her kids everywhere, going to PTA meetings, showing up at all her kids’ events, and doing volunteer work. There was nothing wrong with any of this, except for the fact that June felt trapped, unhappy and angry much of the time. June really wanted to be expressing herself in the world in some way, but believed that it was her obligation to stay at home with her children.
The problem is that an unhappy, angry, irritated mother is not a good mother. And June is going to continue to feel irritated and angry as long as she is not loving herself and not doing what brings her joy.
“But if I go back to school, which is what I want to do, aren’t I being selfish? Since I chose to get married and have children, don’t I owe it to them to be here for them as much as I can?”
“No, not if it means giving yourself up and being miserable. Not if it means giving to them out of obligation. They will not benefit from this. They want a happy mother, and they need you to be a role model for taking personal responsibility for your own happiness. You will find that if you do what is loving to you and brings you joy, they will benefit as well. They might not like it in the short run because they are used to you being there all the time, but in the long run, they will turn out to be happier and healthier adults. Role modeling sacred self-care is a great gift to give to your children.”
* * * * *
Raymond is a medical doctor who works long hours to support his family. He is not happy working so hard. He comes home exhausted, and then takes care of various household chores so his sons can have the time to play sports and do their homework. He has no time for himself. He is often short-tempered with his wife and children. He wants time to ride his bike and to pursue his love of writing.
“But if I work less and we have less money, aren’t I being selfish? Don’t I owe it to my family to keep up their standard of living? Aren’t I being selfish if I expect my kids to do the chores in addition to doing their sports and their homework?”
“No. You owe it to yourself and your family to be a happy, peaceful and fulfilled person. The very best thing you can give to your family is your happy and joyful presence.”
We are being self-responsible when we take loving care of ourselves and do what brings us joy. We are being selfish when we do not take care of ourselves and then expect others to give us what we are not giving to ourselves. We are being selfish when we expect others to give themselves up for us. We are being selfish when we are angry and demanding of others because we are not taking care of ourselves. We are being selfish when we impose our irritated, withdrawn, sullen, anxious and tense energy onto others instead of doing whatever we need to do to be peaceful and joyful. We are being selfish when we are “taking care of ourselves” from a wounded place and ignoring the needs of others or ignoring the effect our behavior has on others.
Whatever we do that is truly loving to ourselves – that is in the highest good of our soul’s journey on the planet – is also loving to others. It is never in our highest good to be mean to others, or to disregard others’ feelings and needs. But it is in our highest good to follow our inner guidance and do what really brings us joy and fulfillment.
Our actions do not benefit anyone when our behavior comes from fear, guilt and obligation. Others feel the lack of love in our energy, even if the action itself looks loving. Our honest and authentic actions – actions which are loving to ourselves – are also loving to others. Living our truth gives others an opportunity to take care of themselves. If June goes back to school, her family will need to learn to rely more on themselves instead of turning to her for everything. If Raymond takes time for himself, maybe his children will learn to take more responsibility around the house. By taking care of ourselves, we give others the chance to step up to the plate. Maybe they will and maybe they won’t, but our loving behavior toward ourselves always gives others an opportunity to grow in their own personal responsibility and lovingness as well.
When You Love Yourself, You Let Others Off the Hook
How are others let off the hook when you love yourself? Let’s count the ways!
- Others don’t need to read your mind when you are meeting many of your own needs, and asking outright when there is something you need help with.
- Others don’t need to hold back, be careful, or walk on eggshells when you are taking care of your own feelings.
- Others can receive great joy in giving to you when they don’t feel obligated.
- Others can speak their truth when they know that you are open to learning and wanting to grow. They can be honest when they know that you will deal with your own feelings rather than blame them.
- Others are free to take loving care of themselves when they know you are doing the same, and that you support them in their highest good as part of being loving to yourself.
- Others can be spontaneous with you, knowing that if they ‘make a mistake’ you will take responsibility for your own feelings about it.
- Others feel free to be with you because they want to, not because they feel they have to.
- In a primary relationship, your partner will likely feel attracted to you when you are coming from your power rather than from your fear. If your partner feels obligated to have sex with you because you have made him or her responsible for your happiness and sense of worth, your partner is likely to feel resistant to sex with you.
- Laughter, fun and play flow spontaneously when neither person feels responsible for the other’s feelings, or feels obligated to spend time, give approval or have sex.
- Each person feels free to pursue their passion and purpose, knowing that their partner is taking care of themselves and not waiting for the other person to make them happy.
Loving partnerships are about learning, growing, and sharing love and companionship. They are not about taking responsibility for making the other person feel happy, safe, secure or validated. Paradoxically, when you fully take on the responsibility of making yourself feel happy, safe, secure and validated, a loving relationship supports and enhances these wonderful feelings. But when you expect your partner to do this for you, then your self-abandonment creates your misery, insecurity and lack of self-worth. As long as you are abandoning yourself and expecting your partner to do for you what only you can do for yourself, your partner’s love will never be enough to give you the happiness, safety, security and sense of worth that you seek.
Learning to love yourself is absolutely foundational for creating a loving relationship.
