Were you brought up to believe that taking care of yourself is selfish, and that to be a good person you need to be self-sacrificing?
None of us want to be called “selfish.” We often end up doing things we don’t want to do to avoid being seen as selfish. In my counseling work with people, I often hear the questions, “Aren’t I being selfish if I take care of myself instead of take care of everyone else?” or “Am I being selfish if I do what I want instead of what someone else wants me to do?”
Many of us were taught that if others are upset with us for our choices, we are somehow responsible for their feelings. We were taught that if we continue to do something that is upsetting to another, we are wrong, bad and selfish. When parents teach this to their children, it has nothing to do with supporting their children’s highest good. It is purely about wanting to control their children into doing what the parents want them to do. When parents do this, they are the ones being selfish, while telling their children that they are the selfish ones when they don’t do what the parents want. Very crazy-making!
Some of us were raised by a self-centered, narcissistic parent who, instead of supporting us in learning to take care of ourselves and discovering what brings us joy, expected us to give ourselves up and take care of him or her. When we didn’t do what they wanted us to do, they called us selfish. As a result, many people have an inaccurate definition of “selfish,” so let’s talk about what it means to be selfish and what it means to be self-responsible.
We are being selfish when:
- We expect others to give themselves up for us and do what we want them to do, rather than do what brings them joy or is in their highest good.
- We keep drawing a conversation back to ourselves rather than listening to and caring about what someone else is saying.
- We punish others when they think and feel differently than we do.
- We harm others for our own ends
- We make others responsible for our feelings of pain and joy.
- We get angry at others for doing what they want to do rather than doing what we want them to do.
- We consistently make our own feelings, wants, needs and desires important without also considering others feelings, wants, needs and desires.
- We don’t consider the effect our behavior has on others.
- We believe we are entitled to special treatment, such as not having to wait in line.
We are being self-responsible and loving ourselves when:
- We take care of our own feeling, wants, desires and needs rather than expecting others to take care of us.
- We do what brings us joy with no intent to harm another, even if another person doesn’t like it.
- We are considerate of others’ wants and needs without giving ourselves up.
- We support others in doing what brings them joy, even when they are not doing what we want them to do.
- We show caring toward others for the joy it give us to care, rather than out of fear, obligation or guilt.
- We have the courage to take loving action in our own behalf, even if someone gets angry with us. For example, you go to bed early because you are tired, even if your partner gets angry at you for not watching a movie with him or her.
- We have the courage to speak our truth about what we will or will not do, and what we do or do not feel, rather than give ourselves up to avoid criticism, anger or rejection.
Giving ourselves up to avoid being called selfish is not self-responsible and self-caring – it is manipulative and dishonest. When we give ourselves up to avoid criticism, we are trying to control how another feels about us.
Taking sacred, loving care of ourselves, with no intent to harm another is self-responsible. But how often have you been called “selfish” when you took care of yourself? For example, Tammy had signed up to take one of my Inner Bonding weekend workshops and was really looking forward to it. She let her husband, Frank, and her two children know weeks before the workshop that she was going, and that it was important to her. The day before the workshop Frank was given four great tickets to a basketball game. He wanted Tammy to go with him the next day, which was the first day of the workshop. When she said no, he got angry at her and told her she was selfish for doing what she wanted to do rather than spending the time with the family. Tammy came to the workshop with much to work on!
In reality, it was Frank who was being selfish in expecting Tammy to give herself up and do what he wanted her to do rather than what was really important to her. He was not caring at all about Tammy – he just wanted what he wanted. He felt entitled to be angry at her and try to make her feel guilty when she didn’t give in to his demands.
For Tammy, this was a crazy-making situation. Being labeled as selfish when it was really Frank who was being selfish is crazy-making.
It is important for each of us to define selfishness and self-responsibility for ourselves so that we are not dependent upon others’ definition of us. When, through your own inner work, you become secure in knowing that you not only have the right, but the responsibility, to support your own joy and highest good – with no intent to harm another – then you will not be tempted to give yourself up when someone tells you that you are selfish for not doing what he or she wants you to do. When we are secure in knowing that our own intent is to be loving to ourselves and to others, we do not have to manipulate others into defining us as caring by giving ourselves up.
Not only is self-care not selfish, it is the most loving thing you can do for yourself and others. One of the greatest gifts we can give to our loved ones as well as to the world is our own happiness. Our happiness takes the burden off of our spouses, parents, children and friends to try to make us happy. People who love us – rather than people who just want to use us – want us to be happy and if we are not taking responsibility for our own happiness, then others might feel responsible for us. So taking loving care of yourself and making yourself happy is the opposite of selfish!
Our happiness also contributes much to our planet. Our happiness, peace and joy have a very high frequency, and therefore contribute to raising the overall frequency of our planet. In fact, I believe that our true happiness contributes more to our planet than anything else we can contribute! Imagine what our world would be like if everyone took responsibility for their own happiness and well being! Since harming others never creates happiness and inner peace, our world would become a peaceful place if we each took responsibility for our own happiness and well-being by choosing to learn to love ourselves.
