The word boundaries has become a catch phrase these days, and it’s causing some insidious damage.
Why are boundaries so popular today?
Before boundaries, women lacked the skills to stand up for themselves. I would say that they lacked the skills to OWN their worth, but the truth is, many women that lacked any boundaries did so because they didn’t YET know their own self-worth. (How could they OWN something they couldn’t even conceptualize yet?)
So, a woman who doesn’t yet believe in her own self-worth, will look outside of herself for other people’s assessment of her worth. She will allow others to dictate what her worth is and how she should be treated.
Women lived this way for decades. You already know this.
Of course, NO woman wants to go back to this way of being, where we had no worth and no rights and other people had power over us.
So, fast forward to today. Women do NOT want to be treated as having no worth. We want our rights. We want make sure that no one else has power over us.
Totally reasonable. And kind of obvious to those of us who read Aspire and are of course, enlightened enough to know that a woman never wants to be oppressed and never should be.
We all agree on this. This is not news.
Now, let’s chat about THE HOW.
How are woman achieving this goal?
How do women protect their rights? How do we protect our worth? How do we protect ourselves so that no one else has power over us?
We establish BOUNDARIES.
The definition of the word Boundary is, “a line that marks the limit of an area, a dividing line”.
So as women, we start establishing boundaries that draw a LINE or a limit to how we will and will NOT be treated. How you can and cannot talk to me. What I will and will not tolerate.
We start OWNING our worth and protecting ourselves by putting up boundaries in our relationships that STOP people from crossing that line with us.
This is a great step forward.
It gives a woman the power to even get used to the concept that it’s OK for her to establish a LINE to protect herself. Yes, you read that correctly.
Our lack of worth as women is SO deep into our wiring that we ALL struggle at times even just owning that it is OK for us to say NO. That it’s OK for us to “disappoint” someone else. That it’s OK for us to “not please” someone.
This is NOT so easy for many women to do.
If it happens to come easy for you, that’s awesome. Please have compassion for the BILLIONS of women that struggle just to BELIEVE within themselves that they have WORTH and it’s ok for them to say what is OK and NOT OK for themselves.
It’s actually deep in your blueprint. It’s ok. It’s just a fact. Deep down, your wiring most likely says that Dad or Mom or Husband or Teacher or Brother or Coach or anyone other than YOU have the power in most situations and you do NOT.
So, at times, if you struggle to establish a boundary of what’s ok with you, don’t be hard on yourself. You are actually rewiring your blueprint and effectively breaking the chains of generations past so that it will be easier for your daughter, your granddaughter and grandson to do this and live free.
So, it kind of sounds like boundaries are a great thing, right?
I mean, they are certainly better than having NO boundaries for yourself and no line in the sand at all. Right?
Yes, you are correct.
Boundaries are like training wheels when you learn to ride a bike.
They are a great stepping-stone, to move PAST the dynamic of having no worth and no power.
AND…. You are not done.
Let me ask you a question. Do you still ride a bike with training wheels today?
Answer genuinely.
No.
Ok, why not?
Really, answer the question out loud… “why don’t you still ride a bike with training wheels today?”
Why?
Get to the real answer. Don’t just pass judgment like “that would be ridiculous.” And don’t just be aloof like “because I’m a grown woman”
Really answer. Why don’t you still use training wheels today? Said differently, if you did, what would be the problem with that? (Not what anyone else thinks, what would be the problem with that FOR YOU?)
Whatever your answer…. In some way, shape or form, would riding with training wheels today hold you back from who you really are, from the level you could be at, from the things in life you want to do?
Anything like that come up for you?
Boundaries are like training wheels.
Would you do a quick little exercise with me?
Make the first gesture that comes to mind for you when I say the word “Boundary”.
Did it look something like this?
Boundaries keep people OUT.
Boundaries PROTECT.
Boundaries keep people AWAY.
Boundaries create SEPARATION.
And you want UNCONDITIONAL love in your marriage.
And you want to be UNSHAKABLE with your partner.
And you want your children to COME TO you when they need you.
And you want more CONNECTION in your close relationships.
You cannot actually have any of those things as long as you have your boundaries up.
Your boundaries are your WALLS.
Walls that you put up to PROTECT yourself.
Which is better than having no walls and having everyone run all over you.
But is that the ONLY option?
Have you ever had an experience in life where you had NO walls up and someone did NOT run all over you?
Ever experience the love of a grandparent or loving friend who just loved you and didn’t hurt you?
Of course you have.
You KNOW, deep within yourself that you can be in a relationship and NOT have walls up and be safe.
So, if it’s possible, then that means that you do not actually REQUIRE boundaries to have a healthy and loving relationship that allows you to be your best and most authentic self.
So, the question becomes…. How do we do that?
How do we create relationships, where we own our self-worth, and we are not “walked all over” without using boundaries as a tool?
That is a Quality Question! Great question!!!
You do that with STANDARDS, Ownership and an elevated skill set.
What is a Standard?
A standard is a level of existence that you have for yourself that you will not drop below.
For instance, I have a standard for myself that I will not do drugs. That’s not who I am. I will not fall below my standard for myself.
I don’t need ANYONE else to change. I don’t judge anyone else for how they live their life or whether they do drugs or not.
This is a standard just for ME. It’s about me OWNING who I really am and knowing the limit below which I will not fall.
Standards are not RULES. Rules are just a tool that people use to try to exert control over others. We are not talking about rules here. We are talking about STANDARDS that you have for YOURSELF.
Notice, my standard is for ME. I don’t need anyone else to cooperate with me. I know my standards for myself and I won’t drop below them. And if, by fluke, I do… it won’t last, because I’m just not myself if I drop below my standards. I will come back to me and live by my standard.
That’s clear when it’s a standard just for yourself, but how about in relationships with other people?
In my relationship, I have a standard that I will not be a woman who is hit.
That’s my standard. I won’t fall below that.
Now, here’s where I want to show you the difference between a standard and a boundary.
A standard is fully within my power and about me.
If someone I am in relationship with hits me, I will not stay in the situation where that is happening.
Here’s the thing, life happens. People get hit. It sucks and none of us want that, but we can’t control the world and sometimes shitty things happen. I’ve been hit, maybe you’ve been hit. I’m not belittling it or making it ok. I’m actually making a point.
I can’t STOP everyone in the world from doing something to me. What I can do is change my life and my decisions to make myself someone who is much less likely to end up in that situation. But let’s be honest, life is long and there are people all over the place and I can’t control other people. I hope and pray that for the rest of my life I will be a woman who doesn’t get hit, but I’m bound to encounter thousands of people in my lifetime, and I can’t control every moment of my life.
My standard is that I will not be in a relationship where I get hit. That doesn’t mean I will NEVER be hit. It means that if something like that were to happen, I would not stay in that relationship because it dropped below my standard.
My standard is about ME.
It’s not demanding that anyone else change to serve life up to me the way I want it.
Sometimes crappy things happen.
Sometimes people say stupid shit to you that is just mean.
We can’t STOP them.
We can’t keep putting up boundaries telling other people how THEY have to be in order to be with us.
We need to OWN ourselves. Know our standards. Live from those standards. And if something happens that is below our standards, trust ourselves to HANDLE IT!
Fix it or remove yourself.
Don’t ask the OTHER person to change. It’s not their job to be who you need them to be in this lifetime.
Decide for YOURSELF. Decide for YOU what is OK with you and what is NOT.
Can you FEEL the difference between Standards and Boundaries?
Standards are within YOU, they are about YOU owning yourself and not being afraid of whatever might come your way, because you will handle it.
Boundaries are limits you put up out of fear and try to demand that others honor those limits and not cross them.
The problem with a boundary is that while it might keep others out, it also keeps you LOCKED IN.
Boundaries come from fear. Fear is holding up those walls that you put up to protect you.
Standards come from courage. The willingness to go through life fully present, open and vulnerable, owning who you are, knowing your worth and with the courage to navigate what comes your way.
Standards are within you. They allow you to have fully connected and vulnerable relationships with the people in your life.
You can give unconditional love and become unshakable!
So many times, people who have been living with boundaries falsely believe that if they stop putting up boundaries then people are going to walk all over them.
That would mean going BACKWARDS in your development.
I’m not talking about that.
You know, there’s another direction you can go other than backwards. You can go FORWARD in your development and elevate to the next level beyond putting up boundaries for others, establishing your standards and own yourself.
Now, here’s where most people get tripped up when I first teach this.
They want to turn all their demands and boundaries into standards!
Sorry, it doesn’t work that way.
I say this because I care. Your need for control is really hurting you. I totally get it. I used to live in an ice tower myself with giant walls. And my life reflected that low level skill set.
This is why you need to elevate your relationship skill set to live from standards and take off the “boundary” training-wheels that are holding you back from the life you really want, as the woman you know you can be.
You can learn simple tools and strategies for how to be happy regardless of what goes on around you! If you’d like to come to a web class that I’m doing teaching these tools and strategies, click HERE.
Boundaries are a great stepping stone. It’s better than allowing people to walk all over you and have power OVER you. But it’s just a stepping stone. As long as you live from boundaries, your relationships with the people in your life will always be limited to the walls you have up.
Standards are the next-level tool that allows you to own yourself AND create relationships that can flourish.
Have a standard for yourself, own your own worth and use an elevated skill set to be your best self and create the relationships you want.
And if I can help, just reach out. At RelationshipDevelopment.org we have over two hundred tools and strategies to empower you in any situation!
