We have an enormous problem going on right now in today’s relationships. Divorce rates for first marriages are over fifty percent. Divorce rates for second marriages are sixty to seventy percent, and third marriages and beyond are at least seventy-three percent.
After ten years of helping several thousand people with their relationships, my husband, Paul, and I have made some remarkable discoveries about what’s causing this breakdown of modern-day relationships, including why partners have so much trouble communicating!
Let me take you back to an incident from my corporate days. I worked with a team of people, and one day a woman named Ann joined our team. Everybody claimed she was really good at what she did, and I was excited to work with her.
On our first day working together, I explained to Ann what I needed her to do. She smiled and looked at me, and so, figuring she understood what I wanted, I left my stuff with her and walked away.
Later that day, I’d heard nothing from her, so I checked on her. “Are you doing this?” I asked, and she nodded. Again, I left her to it.
When lunchtime rolled around, she still hadn’t done any of the work I’d asked her to do. I told someone else on the team that I didn’t think Ann was going to work out. She didn’t respect me! She didn’t care that we had a deadline! She said she would do the work I gave her, and then blatantly didn’t! I was ready to replace her, and fast.
Thankfully, before I could, someone else in my office came up to me and said, “Hey, Stacey, you do know that Ann only speaks French, right? She doesn’t speak a word of English.”
Oh my gosh! I had no idea! No wonder Ann hadn’t worked on any of the tasks I’d given her! Here I was jeopardizing her career and her reputation, all because I had no clue that she didn’t understand me!
All I had to do was pull up Google translate, and use it to explain, in a language Ann actually understood, what I needed her to do, and she did it!
As you just read my story about Ann, you probably wondered what the heck she was doing. Maybe you were even on my side, thinking Ann was being rude and disrespectful, when really, the problem was simply that she had no idea what I was saying.
This is such a common mistake we make when communicating with others, especially our partner! We’re so sure that we could not have been any clearer, and yet our partner’s not getting it, because they don’t communicate the same way we do.
Specifically in love relationships, one of the top causes of arguments is not understanding how your partner is wired to receive what you’re trying to say.
There are personality traits, blueprints, and natural wiring that all play into how your partner is wired to communicate, as well as whether your partner is masculine or feminine.
What a lot of people don’t realize is that the masculine and feminine communicate very differently, in ways that are deeply ingrained into our blueprints. A masculine being and a feminine being can experience the exact same moments, like Ann and I did in that office, but because masculine and feminine are wired so differently, they’ll walk away with a completely different meaning and understanding of the same experience.
Here’s an example of what this looks like in a typical relationship situation. Paul and I were walking through a hardware store some years back, to get a part for our washing machine. It was the week of Mother’s Day, and as we passed through the garden center, which was full of beautiful trees (including lilac trees), I said to Paul, “I love lilac trees. I’ve always wanted a lilac tree! How gorgeous would a lilac tree look in our yard?”
Meanwhile, Paul gave me a blank stare. We were supposed to be finding a washing machine part, and here I was, going on and on about lilac trees.
But in my mind, I’d been perfectly clear. As we walked past the trees to find our washing machine part, I thought to myself, “He got it, right? Mother’s Day is coming up this weekend. I could not have been clearer that I want a lilac tree!”
Mother’s Day arrives, and I walk downstairs that morning, expecting a lilac tree as a gift. The kids have gifts for me, and Paul got me candy, but no lilac tree! I look for it all day, even peeking in our back yard to see if he planted it, but there’s no tree. The day comes and goes, and I’m SO disappointed.
“I don’t understand how much clearer I could be with you that I wanted a lilac tree,” I said to Paul that night. “We were right there, and the lilac tree was only a $10 purchase.”
“What lilac tree?” he replied, a baffled look on his face.
“The lilac tree that I asked for Mother’s Day,” I explained.
“You never asked me for a lilac tree for Mother’s Day,” he insisted.
If you’re a feminine being reading this, you probably relate to the way I dropped hints all over the place about getting a lilac tree and felt like I could not have been more clear.
If you’re a masculine being reading this, you probably relate to how Paul felt about me “randomly” bringing up lilac trees; and to how he felt when I got mad at him for not reading my mind and picking up on my hints!
Whichever piece of this story you relate to, are you starting to understand why the differences in how masculine and feminine communicate lead to so many arguments?
These differences are wired into our blueprints, and there’s no masculine/feminine Google translate equivalent to help us out, like Google translate helped me communicate with Ann.
Paul and I teach our students how to understand the differences between masculine and feminine communication, along with the skill sets to talk to their masculine or feminine partner in a way their partner will actually receive it.
Next time you and your partner get into an argument, remember that there is probably at least one masculine/feminine communication difference at play. Recognizing that is the first step to reducing tiresome arguments. The second step is to acquire the skill set you need to communicate with your partner in a way they will actually “hear” you!
Just like Google translate helped to fix the miscommunication between me and Ann, understanding and a skill set can help fix the miscommunications between you and your partner!
To access tools that can help you start developing a relationship skill set, join our 14-Day Boost Program.
