When our son, Jake, was learning how to drive, my husband, Paul, gave him a driving manual to read, then said, “When you’re done reading it, come to me for the next step.”
Once Jake finished reading the manual, Paul wanted to sign him up for driving lessons so he could get some practice in before his permit driving test.
Jake objected, saying, “But Dad, I’ve read the driving manual. I play driving video games. I even drove a golf cart in the neighborhood four times this summer. I’m ready to take the driving test.”
If I were to ask you whether you think Jake was ready to take the driving test at that point, what would your answer be? No way, right?
As someone who’s been driving for years, you know that reading about driving a car and driving a car are completely different experiences. There’s so much to keep track of!
In addition to starting the car, fastening your seatbelt, shifting into gear, and applying the gas or the brake, you also must watch for other drivers. You must pay attention to the speed limit. You must watch for obstacles. You must make sure you stay in your own lane.
When you’re first learning how to drive, all that is very overwhelming, as Jake discovered when he got behind the wheel for the first time. It was such a reality check that his first thought after stopping the car was, “This is terrifying. I don’t think driving is for me.”
As Jake learned, there’s a huge difference between learning something and being able to live it in real life.
You can learn about driving by reading a book, but you don’t actually know how to drive.
Knowing how to drive comes with practice. Once you reach that point, driving becomes such second nature that you can pull into your driveway and not remember how you got there.
A lot of people treat relationship work the way Jake tried to treat driving. Meaning, we think that if we learn something by reading it in a book or listening to it on a podcast, we’ll be able to live it.
The reality is that when you want to live the results you’re learning about, learning is just the first step, exactly like it was for Jake.
He also needed practice and guidance from a calm, confident driving instructor to mentor him and help him apply what he learned. Only then did driving become second nature.
In over ten years of helping thousands of students transform their relationship, Paul and I noticed that we have two types of students: the type who are able to live in a great relationship every single day, and the type who continue to struggle with relationship transformation.
The students who don’t get the level of transformation they want are what we call learner students. Learner students are the ones who think “reading the manual” is all they need to do. They learn a few things, and maybe they watch a few videos, but they either never apply what they learn, or they never ask for guidance if they do apply it.
As a result, they get stuck in the horrible position of knowing what to do, but not being able to actually do it.
I want to be clear that learning something, but not being able to live it, has nothing to do with how capable you are.
Jake is now a great driver. Not knowing how to drive had nothing to do with his capability. He just didn’t know what he didn’t know!
With practice and the supervision of a calm, confident mentor who already knew how to drive, Jake made the shift from learning it to living it.
That’s exactly what our second type of student, what we call the Breakthrough Student, is able to do when it comes to their relationship. Breakthrough Students live the results they learn about, because they apply what they learn, share their results with us and their tribe, and ask questions about how to do even better. They are actually “getting behind the wheel and driving,” so that living in a great relationship becomes second nature to them.
If you aren’t yet experiencing the great relationship you’d love to have—the kind where you and your partner have each other’s backs, you feel supported and loved, and passion is through the roof—then it might be because you stopped at “reading the manual.”
The great news is that relationship is a skill set that can be learned and implemented!
To make living in a great relationship second nature for you, schedule a chat with one of our Relationship Development Advisors today: http://hellordo.com/advisorcall
