Does it sometimes feel like no matter what you do or what falls out of your mouth, it’s met with criticism and complaints (or eyerolls and disdain) from your partner?
Maybe you’re exhausted from the constant bickering over the littlest things…or worse, you’re dealing with the silence of not talking to each other.
If so, the stress and pain caused by that lack of harmony in your home can start to wear you down.
Sure, you can use escapes to try and cope. You can dive into other things to get a break from it all. You can even invent a reason to take the kids away for a night because their grandma misses them.
The problem is, none of that helps with the bickering. Even if it does stop, there’s still a general sense of “I’m mad at you” hanging in the air.
Unfortunately, most people don’t know endless arguing is caused by two dynamics colliding (more on that in a minute).
When they find themselves in the phase of what my husband, Paul, and I call “relationship decay,” they reach a point in their day where they think to themselves, “How much longer can I live like this?”
It’s a tough moment. I was there myself over 20 years ago (though I can remember it like it was yesterday).
What I’ve learned from being in that moment and helping thousands and thousands of people through it is that the “tougher” you are or the more “caring” you are, the longer you’ll push yourself through the crap before you’re willing to face that haunting question.
But when you finally allow yourself to think about it, it means you’ve arrived at the onset of hopelessness. It’s a scary place to be, especially because as humans, we don’t make our best decisions from the onset of hopelessness.
Beware the “it will be better” fantasy
Most people who’ve fallen into hopelessness start entertaining thoughts that maybe the best thing they can do is give themselves and their kids the relief of not seeing their spouse anymore.
The problem is, that thought is actually pure fantasy, because your spouse will see their kids all the time, which means that you will still see your spouse all the time.
(And if you ask anyone who has been divorced, it only gets worse.)
You know that you don’t really want to drag your kids (or yourself) through the pain and trauma of a divorce. That would be horrible.
But is having the kids hearing all the arguing and upset in the house every day really any better?
In your most honest moments, maybe you’re even worried about what your children are hearing and experiencing between you and your partner, and what impact it’s having on them.
Maybe you just think, “What choice do I have?”
That is what I’m going to show you now, so you can understand the truth of where you are and what caused you to reach this point.
You do have a choice!
Remember what I said earlier? That the colliding of two dynamics is responsible for this pattern of endless arguing?
The first dynamic is the height of what Paul and I call the brick wall between you.
Each time there is a pain or upset in your relationship that remains unsolved, another brick goes into that wall.
Over time in a long-term relationship the brick wall between you gets so high that you can’t see or feel your partner anymore.
It gets difficult to even connect with how you used to feel about them, and you wonder if you can ever get that back again.
If you’re trapped in the pain of endless arguing, here are symptoms that the brick wall between you and your partner is getting high:
- No matter what you do or what falls out of your mouth, it’s met with criticism and complaints (or eye-rolls and disdain) from your partner.
- You and your partner used to just argue over the big things. Now you argue about the smallest (stupidest) things, like who left the bread tag on the counter (As for the BIG things, you just don’t talk about them anymore).
- It used to be only after a huge blowup that you wouldn’t talk to each other or go to bed without speaking. Now it seems like it’s almost every week that something happens and you go to bed without speaking.
- There’s too much arguing and bickering between you, between you and them and the kids, and between you and them about the kids.
- Even when you’re not arguing, the tension and distance between you is obvious. You feel it. Your spouse feels it. But what you’re really worried about is, “Do my kids feel it? And what is this doing to them?”
Everything your partner says or does ends up filtered or flavored by that brick wall, so that even the little things that someone else could say and wouldn’t bother you actually trigger you when your partner says them.
This outcome is a predictable pattern with a predictable result. When you change the pattern by solving the bricks in the wall, you change the result.
So, that’s dynamic one, the height of your brick wall.
Dynamic two is simply this: You’ve reached the end of your skill set. That’s it!
Solutions to the endless arguing, the distance, the energy or anger, the stonewalling, eye-rolling, disdain, and sadness are all about relationship skill sets that can be learned by anyone who wants to learn them.
(Don’t worry, you’re not stupid for not having relationship skill sets and it’s not your fault that you don’t. No one ever taught us this!)
There is a skill, tool, strategy, or solution to every brick (upset, argument, fight or silence) in the brick wall between you and your partner.
How do I know?
Because for over a decade, Paul and I have developed our Relationship Development® Method and tools to create the solution to every argument, kerfuffle or upset that anyone has ever brought to us.
In other words, we have actually never been stumped about how to solve a relationship problem!
I know. It sounds a little crazy. But it’s also factually true. We have never been stumped, because the Relationship Development Method works to solve the relationship problems that have pushed people (maybe you) to the onset of hopelessness.
The bottom line is that stopping the endless arguing means lowering the brick wall between you by using relationship skill sets to solve each brick.
To get started with the skill sets we use–and our students use–to end relationship challenges like endless arguing, check out our 14-Day Boost at https://14dayboost.com.
