Does your spouse ever say something to your kids that gets your blood boiling? We’ve all been there…it’s a really difficult situation that almost always leads to a big blow-up fight.
We all want to protect our kids, and we all have strong ideas about what that means… So, when you hear your partner say something to them that you don’t like, it can feel like the end of the world.
Every parent has experienced this, and every one of us has snapped at our partner during parenting moments because we don’t agree with what they are saying or doing.
AND, there is a solution, one that doesn’t include fighting in front of the kids, scolding your partner or nagging. It starts with taking a step back and looking at what you can do differently to influence a positive outcome.
Check Your Rapport
If you’re starting to notice parenting clashes, the first thing you need to do is evaluate your rapport with your spouse.
Are you and your partner working together toward a common goal, or are you trying to change your partner and get them to see things your way?
You disagree with what your partner said to your kids because of your own perspective, things that are real and obvious to you and you just don’t understand why your partner doesn’t see it the same way.
But guess what? Your partner sees things from their perspective that are just as real and just as obvious to them that you don’t have insight into, yet.
Release Scarcity of Time
When your spouse upsets your child, you feel like it’s urgent. You have to swoop in and save the day. You have to protect your kids. You have to right the wrong you’re seeing right now.
It’s easy to think, “If I don’t correct this now, in this moment, all is lost.”
But the truth is, your kids are going to be fine. All isn’t going to be lost. It’s not as urgent as it feels. Time isn’t scarce, and you don’t have to deal with the situation as it’s happening. You can drop your desire to solve that problem in the moment! It’s a skill set, and it can be learned!
Conflict Is a Chance to Learn
The moments where you think your partner is being a jerk to your kids is actually a great place for them to learn. It gives you the chance to show them how to navigate a crap situation when someone behaves badly.
People are jerks sometimes. As much as you want to shield your kids from that, you can’t. Our job is not to fix the world for our kids so that it’s a perfect place. Our job is to show them how to navigate real life and build up some resilience.
They’re going to face a lot of situations where people don’t treat them the way they want, whether that’s Grandma, their soccer coach, a neighbor or a kid on the bus. And the answer to that problem is NOT “just get the person to change.” Not only is that not going to work, but it’s going to make them very unlikeable.
If you prefer to call a band-aid a boo-boo bandage because you think band-aid is too scary, you’re not going to go to the teacher and say, “if you could just call it a boo-boo bandage with my kid that would be great.” They’d look at you like you were crazy.
You can’t demand that people change, and you it doesn’t work to teach your kids to solve conflict that way either.
Teach Navigation, Not Control
Our job is to teach our kids how to navigate real life, and in real life, people are jerks sometimes. That’s okay. It’s just real life, and your kids need to learn that.
It gives you the chance to teach your kids how to navigate conflict and not be a jerk. That starts in your house, with the conflicts in your home.
You don’t want your kids to be incapable of dealing with adversity. Adversity will happen. It’s going to find them. If we put them in a bubble and never give them any tools, they won’t be able to navigate the real world.
Lean into it instead. Show your kids how to find peace and stay calm and grounded during conflict, so that they can develop those skills and carry them into their lives.
A United Front
When you try to correct your partner in the moment, you’re showing your kids that the way to deal with adversity is to demand to win on your terms.
Your job with your partner is to present a united front in front of your children—not to undermine them or change them.
Sometimes your partner is going to lose it and say something in front of the kids that they shouldn’t have said. That is not the time to jump on them and tell them what a crap job they’re doing.
It all comes back to reacting to a situation instead of having mastery of yourself so that you’re in a position to influence a different outcome in the moment.
When you step in and scold or nag, and you destroy that united front you have with your partner, you do more damage than your partner did to begin with.
Align and Conquer
So, if you don’t address it in the moment, what do you do? You have to align together and design a map for how you’re going to parent as partners.
Aligning as a team is when the two of you come together, share your perspectives, figure out your triggers and align on how you are going to deal with parenting situations.
When you do that, you create something really special together. And in turn, you show your children how to navigate conflict in a positive way.
You each have triggers, and that’s ok! That’s not a bad thing. If you didn’t have triggers there’d be nothing to grow against.
Dealing with conflict is like muscle-building. lf you don’t give your muscles some kind of resistance or force, they don’t get stronger. If you want to build muscle, you work it. You give it something to work against and it’ll grow.
Nobody likes conflict with their partner. But this is a gift. It’s a chance to grow, learn and come closer together with your partner through alignment. I know we look at this as a problem. The truth is, when you have awareness, it becomes a gift.
We’ve created the Relationship Breakthrough QuickStart program so that you can take that awareness and turn it into a solution, one that will let you and your partner build and grow together. If you’re ready to step out of nagging and scolding and transform your relationship, it’s time to get started!
