Do you have someone in your life who makes promises and doesn’t keep them?
It can be SO frustrating to deal with that. You get to the point where you think:
I just don’t trust them anymore!
They’re ALWAYS breaking promises!
I can’t believe A SINGLE THING they say!!!
For so many of us, it’s completely reprehensible to break a promise. It feels like a big betrayal.
If you have a spouse or a kid who’s breaking their promises to you, I have good news and bad news. The bad news is…the problem isn’t what you THINK it is. The good news is…that means YOU can fix it.
The Little White Lie
Let’s pretend that you have a cousin you just don’t really like. We all have someone in our family we don’t really enjoy being around, right? We’ll call him Cousin Bobby.
Now, you’re sitting around at your family reunion and Cousin Bobby decides that you HAVE to get together for dinner.
In your head, you’re thinking, “That’s never going to happen.” But you don’t want to be rude— you want to please them in the moment and hope it never comes back to bite you. So, you agree.
Then the next week, Bobby calls you and says he’s in town and wants to meet up. So you think up an excuse…someone is sick, someone has a school play— whatever it takes to get you out of it.
After all, you never had any intention of ACTUALLY following through.
Now…are you a bad person who breaks your promises? Or, did you just feel pressured to please Bobby in the moment?
The REAL Reason People Break Promises
It’s super common for people to make promises they don’t keep. It’s not just men, not just women, not just adults, not just children. It happens at home, it happens at work— it’s across the board.
Most of the time, there is one VERY common reason why— they were just trying to PLEASE you. (Just like you were with Cousin Bobby).
They weren’t making a promise— they were pleasing you. That’s why they broke the promise— It wasn’t authentic for them when they told it to you.
The problem is not that they’re a bad person who lied to you. It’s not that they made a promise they didn’t keep…
The problem is that you’re in a pattern with them where you have conditioned them to PLEASE you in the moment to get out of pain with you. You’ve TRAINED them that in certain times when they’re talking to you, they need to please you to get the hell out of this conversation.
It was just a coping mechanism to deal with you in the moment because they reached the end of their skillset! Make sense?
You Can’t Blame Them
When we judge someone else or label someone else as someone who makes promises that they don’t keep, we’re placing the blame on them and removing it from our own shoulders.
But here’s the truth— it’s not their fault. Stick with me here— it’s not your fault either. It’s nobody’s FAULT. You’re both part of the dynamic that created the situation.
Now, you can’t do anything about their part. You can yell until you’re blue in the face about them not keeping their promises… but it doesn’t change the fact that they’re in this pattern and that’s the coping mechanism they’re using to get out of it.
But you can change what YOU do. You can break the pattern.
Time for Some Tough Questions
If you’re going to break the pattern, you have to first get really honest with yourself. In what ways have you pushed the people around you into pleasing you to avoid some uncomfortable or unpleasant consequences?
Have you used leverage to try and get your kids to do something just to please you?
Have you used punishment when they mess up so they are more likely to lie to you instead of making an honest choice in the future?
Have you brought negativity to your partner when they disappoint you?
Have you pushed them into pleasing you in a conversation because they felt like it was their only choice to get you off their back?
It’s time to take responsibility for your part in the dynamic!
It’s Not About “Dealing With It”
You might get mad at the thought of accepting responsibility. “Oh, so you’re saying that if someone in my life doesn’t keep their promises, then that’s just okay and I need to deal with it.”
Nope, I’m not saying that. I’m never saying that (That’s demand relationship thinking). It’s not that you have to “just deal with it.” But what you do have to do is take ownership of your part in the dynamic.
I’m saying that if you use the right tools and strategies, you can break the pattern so they don’t NEED to make promises that aren’t authentic to them.
That means you aren’t pushing them to please you, and they aren’t telling you what you want to hear in the moment with no plan to actually follow through.
It means that you show up in that moment differently, so instead of pushing them, you can truly collaborate with them and find a win/win— something that’s authentic for you and for them.
You do play a role in the dynamic. If you’re bristling at that, it’s ok. Nobody wants to think they’re part of the problem. But guess what? You both are part of the problem, but that’s a good thing. Because if you can fix your side, then you can break the pattern.
How to Break the Pattern
If you’re ready to put an end to the cycle and create something better, here are your action steps:
1.Stop Pushing
Pay attention to the way that you’re handling situations where you want something. Are you continuing the conversation, bringing it up over and over and demanding that they “see things your way”? Are you putting the other person in a position where they feel like they have no choice but to please you in the moment so that it ends? Be aware of it, and end it.
2.Start Showing Up Differently
Start seeing your part in this dynamic and take personal responsibility for showing up differently. We have the tools and strategies you need to collaborate, to align, to navigate these situations in a way that results in a real win/win. We can give you the tools. You just need to show up and use them.
3.Release
If you’re labeling someone in your life as the person who breaks their promises, release that mental picture. Look at the dynamic with new eyes, free yourself and release them from that label so that you can move things forward.
4.Learn the Right Tools
Ready to find out what to do INSTEAD of pushing? We’re giving you the tools you need. Start with the 14-Day Boost Program today to learn the skills and tools you need to build something better!
