So here goes… A BIG HONEST SHARE:
I get that I’m an attractive woman.
I get that I don’t have a lot of weight to lose (maybe 15 – 20 pounds). (And let us not forget my huge weight gain in my twenties . . . which I subsequently lost after much self-healing.)
I get that to some women they’d be shocked to hear me complaining about my looks . . . my body.
But here’s the truth: Although I love myself (I even really like myself), I’ve carried a level of protection around the Real Me since I was 18.
Stay with me on this . . .
I recently had a revelation whereby I can literally “feel” the Real Me inside of the container that holds me. I can feel me inside my body. I can feel where she ends and my protection begins.
The Real Me is actually quite slim.
Now don’t get me wrong, the Real Me is not a waif. She’s not “small boned”. She’s not petite. She’s also not a body builder either.
She’s Slim. Sexy. Slender. Strong.
I not only “feel” her lately, I hear her, too.
She whispers to me. She sings and laughs a lot.
She’s happy. Joyous. Peaceful. Accepting. Forgiving.
She isn’t angry. She isn’t mistrusting and afraid. She isn’t insecure, comparative, or competitive.
She’s Loving. Trusting. Courageous. Secure. Collaborative. Kind.
I’m finally starting to get to know the Real Me – from the inside out.
Here’s what I know:
I can count on the Real Me. She’ll keep us safe. She’s wise and open-minded but smart. She’s trusting but not gullible, kind but not a pushover. She’s funny. (Actually, I had no idea just how funny she is! LOL)
She can be a tough cookie when she absolutely has to be (a.k.a. “tough love”) but she’s a huge wonderful ball of mush, as well.
I’ve discovered I don’t need a “physical fence” around me anymore. I don’t need this layer of protection. I have the Real Me. I am the Real Me.
Now that I’ve learned how to use my voice; learned how to say no (and not feel guilty afterward); to recognize when someone is about to step across my boundary, invade my space, knock me over, or shoot me down, I can simply speak my truth.
It’s okay to speak our truth. Just as long as we don’t do it in a way to step, invade, knock, or shoot anyone down with it.
I’ve done a ton of healing work to deal with the pain and anger I’ve had inside of me. (Eeks, there was a lot!)
I also finally realized that I’d built my protection as a sort of “holding tank” for anger. Kind of like a septic tank for your house (those of us who live in the country know what I’m talking about.) A septic is buried in the ground outside of your home. There is a “manhole” on the tank (with a lid) because eventually, it must get cleaned out . . . or it will start spilling back up into the house. This is what I call “letting our own stuff make us sick”.
I didn’t want all my “crap” to ruin me—and my spirit—so I had mastered this ingenious way of burying my unhealthy emotions in my holding tank (my muscle and fat). Just tuck it away over there. Who has time to deal with all this? I’d simply been given more sh*t than I knew what to do with.
Smart, right?
I was keeping my anger away from my heart!
It served a purpose. My body fat and big muscles (I’d spent years lifting heavy weights) were literally keeping me from fully feeling all the yucky stuff.
Most fat people will probably agree with me.
Body builders will too.
Our armor protects us from feeling.
The trouble is the protection eventually turns on us. Sure! We don’t have to fully feel the magnitude of the situation when it’s happening, but our bodies continue to “hold” the memories . . . the pain . . . the anger, shame, blame, fear, etc. until our lives slow down enough so that can finally process it in a healthy way and let it go.
Now see . . . this is the problem with dieting . . . even with joining the gym. If you aren’t ready to let go of your sh*t, no amount of broccoli, protein shakes, or leg lifts are going to do it.
If you aren’t ready to dig up the dirt, sift through it, find the golden nuggets (because every painful experience has wisdom to be extracted), and let go of the rest, you’re always going to feel overloaded, over-extended, overwhelmed, and/or overweight.
My friend, don’t let another year pass you by holding onto garbage that isn’t serving you. Let go of everything and anything that takes you away from acting and reacting from the Real You!
I’m certain the Real Me is returning in body, mind, and spirit.
I haven’t stepped on a scale. (I don’t believe in them. They’re the devil!) So I don’t know if I’ve actually lost a pound but I feel so much lighter. Emotionally and physically.
The good news is that I’ve finally learned how to spot drama and dysfunction when it’s headed over to my house. I’ve realized I don’t have to answer the door. In fact, I can dead bolt it!
Heehee . . . yes, that’s me peeking through the window at you!
The most exciting part is now that I’ve gently dug up one memory at a time and healed the old buried yucky emotions attached to it; I have all this space left over for happiness to infiltrate.
The anger is gone. And thankfully because of my ability to set healthy boundaries, I can trust myself to know I won’t allow bad treatment from anyone ever again. I don’t need a “holding tank” for anger anymore.
I’m finally free to be my real “Self” and live without any baggage!
Ya . . . kinda huge, isn’t it?
I just love this healing journey . . .
