“For the first time, I am considering not joining my family for the holiday weekend,” Jane admitted to me. “I don’t think that I can subject myself to one more dysfunctional get-together. BUT…we ALWAYS go to the lake! We’re expected to be there, and if we’re not, I know I’m gonna get an earful.”
I’ve heard this story a million times. Family get-togethers can be stressful enough without having to sit through yet another event enduring “crazy Uncle Bob’s” antics!
Jane’s definitely not alone in dreading family get-togethers. What’s supposed to be a fun time celebrating and connecting quickly devolves into an apocalyptic shit show as the evening goes on.
When holiday weekends roll around Paul and I remind our students about the ONE TOOL that will give you the best results in steering clear of Family Time Kerfuffles …. Our Right-Hand/Left-Hand™ tool.
This tool works great in ANY situation where you’ll be around people who trigger you, drive you crazy or who simply don’t get (or want to get) the growth journey you’re on. Friends, family and holidays included.
Ok, are you ready to learn it?
Right-Hand/Left-Hand™
There are two types of people in your life: (1) Your Tribe and (2) Friends & Family.
Your TRIBE are the people who grow with you. They hold you to a higher standard and challenge you to be the very best version of yourself. Not only will they reach out and pull you up to your next level, they’ll get behind you and kick your ass all the way to the top if they see that you are not really living up to your potential! Your Tribe grows with you and they GET you.
The other group of people in your life are your friends and family. They have known you the longest, they love you and they are NOT on the same path as you. And it’s important to remember that they have positive intent for you—even if the way they express that positive intent doesn’t always seem that positive!
Your friends & family people are NOT on the same personal development journey you are on. By the way, that does NOT make them TOXIC! They are just not into growth!
Now, for the Right-Hand/Left-Hand tool.
Put your hands out in front of you.
Your Friends & Family are in your RIGHT HAND.
Your Tribe is in your LEFT HAND.
Put your hands together…
PAIN happens when YOU do not know what HAND you are in.
Not them, YOU.
Pain happens when you are in your Friends and Family group, but you are treating them like they are in your TRIBE!
They are not in your tribe!
- They don’t want you to VOMIT all your personal development all over them.
- They don’t want to hear about your 21 Day Raw Food Cleanse just because they mentioned that they ate too much pie.
- They don’t need to hear about the event you just went to.
- They don’t want to read the book that YOU think will solve the problem that they are bitching about.
They are NOT in your tribe! THEY are not the problem… it’s YOU, darling (and I say this with love). You are treating them like they are in your LEFT-HAND, but they are a RIGHT-HAND person for you!
I know it’s hard not to say anything when you see someone you love in pain (especially when you’ve got a solution that could help them), but forcing that solution on them only makes them feel judged.
Your friends and family are where they are right now, and your job is not to try and “fix” them. So, what’s the SOLUTION?
The Right-Hand/Left-Hand™ Solution is two pieces:
- Know which Hand you are in.
- Know your ROLE.
Before you interact with someone, just check in with yourself real quick and ask yourself, “are they in my Right-Hand (friends & family) or my Left-Hand (Tribe)?”
Then know your role:
[Left-Hand] When you are with your TRIBE – go for it! Share away. Talk about the book, share the cleanse, ask for insights and offer your insights! Go for it!
[Right-Hand] When you are with your Friends & Family Group – give unconditional love for where they are now, without judgment and lead by example. That’s it.
Show up for your friends and family with the kind of unconditional love and compassion most will never experience in their life.
When you’re able to do that and show up for them with no expectations of how they will interact or show up for you in return, it diffuses the negative energy right out of the interaction, and you can enjoy your family event stress-free!!
Oh and one more thing: remember you don’t need their validation, and you certainly don’t need to engage in debates with them over things you don’t agree on. They are NOT in your Left-Hand. They are in your RIGHT-HAND. Act like it. (and if you are NOT in a place where you can authentically show up and just give unconditional compassion to them, then check in with yourself… WHY are you going? Is this really the best choice for your primary (spouse & kids) family?)
So, when you’re around those people who tend to trigger you, remember:
- Left-hand people are the people you grow with.
- Go to them to get support, validation, and growth.
- Right-hand people are your friends and family.
- When you’re with them, GIVE unconditional compassion for exactly where they are without judgment, because you are a force for good in their life.
If we can help you navigate family and other relationship challenges, visit us at www.RelationshipDevelopment.org
