Transforming Your Relationship: How to Be Loved for Your Most Authentic Self

If you are anything like me, during the course of your life, there were times when we acted as ourselves and we got negative feedback for it.  We learned to make little adjustments, little changes to our behavior to be more pleasing, to adapt and to get the love and attention we craved. Over time, we made so many “little changes” that when we stop and look at ourselves we barely know who WE are anymore. All we see is the conglomeration of everything that everyone else wanted us to be…and somewhere along the way, we got lost.

Until one day we wake up and say “I don’t even recognize who I am anymore.”  Sound familiar.

And yet, when your kids come to you and tell you about how they don’t “fit in” with the kids at school because they are different, what do you tell them? Do you tell them to change who they are to be more like other kids so the kids will like them?! Oh, hell no!

What do you say, Mama?

You tell them that some kids will always find something they don’t like about anyone just to try to make themselves feel better. You tell them that those kids aren’t their real friends anyway. You tell them to focus on the friend(s) they do have who likes them just the way they are! You tell them BE THEMSELVES and their real friends will like them for who they are! RIGHT?! Of course you do!

And yet, do we listen to our own advice in our own relationships? In our intimate relationship? No, unfortunately, we don’t love ourselves as much as we love our kids. We don’t cherish our beautiful unique selves as much as we cherish our beautiful unique kids!  My bet is, that you would FIGHT to protect your child’s unique, real, authentic self! Wouldn’t you?

And yet we just chip away at our own authenticity with every little adjustment, little change, little compromise and little shift to something that is not our authentic self!  It’s the same in intimate relationship!    We adapt and change into who we feel our partner wants us to be until we lose ourselves. And compromise is NOT the answer! In fact, I know it sounds crazy coming from a relationship expert, but I do not believe in compromise!

I know, practically every relationship expert in the world teaches compromise as part of a “successful” marriage or committed relationship. But it does not work in intimate relationship. In fact, in an intimate relationship compromise is counter-productive…it destroys relationships.

Because by definition, compromise includes making “concessions”. I don’t have to tell you, just check in with yourself, do you feel loved for your most authentic self when you make concessions? Me either.

Compromise doesn’t work. The only thing that works is ALIGNING with your partner as an indivisible team!  Take a moment to tune into the energetic difference between the words COMPROMISE and ALIGN. Big difference isn’t it?   Being in alignment with your partner is loving, cherishing and appreciating them for their most authentic self and being loved for your most authentic self. When you create that, you don’t need to compromise, because you are in alignment with your partner! That’s authentically you!

You cannot be someone you are not. You must be you! Be your most authentic self in life and in your intimate relationship with your man!   I’m not suggesting that you ditch your man to be your most authentic self. I’m not saying that you say “well this is who I am and if you don’t like it tough”!  The truth is, you can do better than that!

What if you could be your best AND most authentic self?

The truth is, before you go blaming your man or your kids or your family or anyone else for who you have become… let’s just get real and honest here. No one made you into who you are but you. It was just your survival tool for getting the love, acceptance, significance, security and connection that you needed. And you did what you knew to do to get it. And sometimes that included doubting yourself, changing and pleasing others.

Don’t beat yourself up for it. How do you think I know this darling? You are not alone. This is the case for the majority of women at one time or another in life! So, there’s no need to blame your man. As Maya Angelou says “When you know better, you do better.” So let’s start from today.

Hello Beautiful! Welcome to today!

Today you get to BE your best and most authentic self! And you will be L-O-V-E-D for your best and most authentic self, darling!  How do I know?  Because a long time ago I learned a very important lesson that I know in my heart and soul to be the Truth.

“If I am true to myself, people will love the truth in me.”

The truth is, that messy, flawed stuff that you don’t want anyone to see… that’s what we really want from you! It’s how we know you are human too. It’s how we resonate and connect with you! It’s how we see the real you!

And your man picked you for who you really are, mess and all! Yes he did! Oh darling, if you knew about the selection process that men go through to avoid picking a total bitch that will take away their freedom (man’s biggest fear), you would not doubt me when I tell you he very carefully figured out who you really are before he hitched himself to you for eternity.  He knows the real you.

Men have incredible perception when it comes to a woman’s openness and authenticity.

Men have a built in manipulation radar and anytime a woman is being something that she is not, that hits his radar and his alert goes off! You think you are fooling him, but the truth is you’re not.

When we are INauthentic, we are not fooling anyone!  We are like the drunk person at the party who thinks she is poised and elegant, but everyone else sees her slurring her words and tripping over nothing.

Are you ready to be your best and most authentic self?  I’d like to share a secret I’ve discovered from my own relationship journey as well as from working with hundreds of individuals to transform their relationship.  Who you ARE right now is only who you ARE in this moment!   We are constantly growing, evolving and ASPIRING to the best version of ourselves!  It’s the journey of life.  It’s not an either-or… either you love me for who I am OR you do not. The secret is that it’s an AND!  Here’s an example of living from the “and” energy instead of the ‘either-or” energy.

I am my best and most authentic self, AND…

• Every day I am dedicated to stepping more fully into my authenticity as I myself discover my path and my true self, AND
• I am committed to my personal growth and development, AND
• I ASPIRE to be an even greater version of myself every day, AND
• I open to you, my man, as my most authentic self, AND
• I give you who I really am, without holding back, AND
• To remain true to myself and who I really am, I must love you for who you really are, AND
• I love you unconditionally for who you really are, AND
• I honestly recognize that it is not always easy to love someone unconditionally, AND
• I am committed to doing what it takes to grow in this area, so I can more easily love MY authentic self and YOUR authentic self…because THAT is my best and most authentic self!

Now, doesn’t that feel much better?   So the next time you catch yourself trying to change to be more of anything for your man, ask yourself this one question:  Will this CHANGE enable me to more easily live as my authentic self and love him unconditionally for his most authentic self? If the answer is YES, then go for it!  If the answer is no, then that change you are considering is just a Band-Aid and it’s not going to fix the problem sweetie.

As you allow your authentic self to show up in your intimate relationship you will begin to witness miraculous changes in yourself and in your relationship.  That’s the beautiful part of the work I do as a Love and Passion Coach and Relationship Expert… is empowering women to see that they can transform their relationship without their partner’s participation.

It begins within and it begins with you!