“Stacey, how do I get my partner to follow what you say? They need to hear this.”
It’s something we at RelationshipDevelopment.org hear ALL the time.
- I’m already doing this work. They need to do it, too.
- I don’t need this. My partner does.
- They’re the one who needs to change.
It’s easy to say that and to think that our partner is the problem.
But it’s only when we stop playing the blame game that we start doing something productive for our relationships. It’s time we stop trying to change our partner and realize that our partner isn’t the problem.
You are the only one you can control. And you are the one who can make a change. You are the one who can lead your family in the right direction!
My Partner Is the Problem
We recently had someone come to us with this exact problem. She was working through our 14-Day Boost Program and got to the part where we teach alignment.
She posted in our Facebook group and said, “Ok, this is great, but how do I get my husband to listen to this? I’m already putting him first. He’s putting his family of origin first. How can I get him to listen so he can figure this out?”
Now, plenty of people would think she was right. She’s here, she’s doing the Boost, she wants to work on the problem, and her husband is off doing his own thing and being selfish, right?
But here’s a truth bomb for you: even if it’s true, even if you are the only one doing the work, your partner doesn’t need to hear it from us.
You’re in This Together
It’s our natural wiring to say, “I’m not the problem.” We are so trained in ‘Demand Relationship’, it’s so deep in our blueprint, that it’s hard to even recognize when we’re doing it.
When we blame our partner and make them the problem, we step right into Demand Relationship where it’s win/lose. But your relationship is not You vs. Them. There is no me and them, there’s just Us.
When you’re saying, “My partner needs to do this,” there’s no doubt about it. You’re seeing the relationship as You vs. Them. And when you do that, there is no winner. It’s the path to a lose/lose, every single time.
We Can’t Solve It for You
There are plenty of reasons why our partner doesn’t respond the way we want them to.
- Maybe we don’t have rapport with our partner.
- Maybe they feel judgment from us.
- Maybe they’re pushing back in response to us.
- Or maybe we don’t have the skill set to articulate what we want to say in a way where they can hear it.
So, when someone says, “I need my partner to listen to Paul and Stacey,” they are really saying that they have reached the end of their skill set.
But guess what? That’s not the way it works.
We’re not in your relationship. You don’t need us to do this with your partner. You just need to extend your skill set. We can give you the tools, but you have to go to the toolbox and get them out and use them.
Stop Making Your Partner Wrong
We have to snap ourselves out of thinking that our partner is wrong for what they’re doing. They’re just doing what they’re doing, right? They’re not out to hurt us. They just hit the end of their skill set.
If they’re putting their family of origin first, you can either dig in your heels and put the blame on them, or you can take a step back and realize that they need your help. Nobody ever taught them how to break out of that thinking, right?
Instead of just saying, “They need to change,” you can step up and lead. You can choose to build a rock-solid relationship with them, to put them first so that they want to do the same thing for you.
You know, when I decided to work on our relationship, I didn’t get to say, “Oh Paul, you need to do this.” Or “You need to listen to that. You need to understand how to not be overwhelmed. You’re ruining things for us.”
Imagine how well that would have gone over!
That was never going to work. I had to decide to be the one. I had to figure it out, to move us forward. And you know what? It wasn’t easy. But I’m glad I had to do it. Because I got resourceful. I figured out every step that would build the relationship back up. And now, we’ve been able to map it out for you.
You’re here because you want to do it. You want to transform your relationship. Good for you! But that means YOU have to do the work. The responsibility is yours. You don’t get to decide that your partner is going to do the work. You have to be the one to lead your family.
So…What Do I Do Instead?
If you’re ready to step up and be the one to change your relationship for the better, then we have action steps for you:
- Notice where you’re telling yourself that the problem is your partner, not you.
- Stop waiting for someone else to make your relationship better.
- Start reminding yourself that you’re not in this for you. You’re doing this for “Team Us.”
- Learn how to expand your skill set. Get the tools and strategies you need to lead your family in a better direction.
Now, we have a shortcut for that last step. You don’t have to figure it all out on your own. We’ve given you the tools and strategies you need and our 14-Day Boost is a great place to start.
In just two weeks, you will learn how to move past the “me” mindset, find the tools you need to battle kerfuffles and create alignment for you and your partner.
Sign up today to get started at 14dayboost.com.
