Can you think of something that made you unhappy in the last 24 hours? Anything? Can you recall any kerfuffle or something that made you unhappy?
It’s not that hard, right?
You might have thought:
- Oh, if I could just get him to… OR
- If this could just go my way….OR
- If I could just…(fill in the blank)…then I could be happy.
We have all had those thoughts. And here’s the thing: no one else was put on this planet to make you happy. So, as long as you’re telling yourself that HE or SHE needs to change for YOU to be happy, you’re holding yourself stuck.
The invisible force that’s stopping you from actually showing up in Relationship Development® in the moments of your day and blocking you from getting the results that you want in your relationship is… BLAME.
When you blame someone else, you’re saying, “Look, this isn’t my fault and you need to fix this.”
The moment you throw that finger out and blame, you are giving all the power in that situation, to the other person. If the situation gets better for you or not, it’s now up to them. You have just rendered yourself powerless.
“Blame is the act of taking all of your power
and willingly handing it over to the other person.”
This is why we say it is the invisible force that’s been keeping you from showing up in Relationship Development® in the moments of your day. Because the minute you blame the other person, you’re not going to reach for a Relationship Development® tool.
If you decide, “They are being disrespectful, that’s for them to change.” Then, there’s nothing for you to do!
The minute you blame the other person, you’re done. You could have all four hundred tools in our Relationship Development® toolbox, but you won’t reach for them because it’s “their fault.”
Blame comes from casting a judgment that they were wrong and you were not. And now you have crossed over into Demand Relationship™.
Where does this come from?
We were trained, from day one, to blame. The minute something goes wrong, find someone to blame. Something happens in your house, Mom comes into the room and, what happens? You’re like, “He did it!” Something happens at school. And you’re like, “It wasn’t me. I didn’t do it.”
We have literally been conditioned to blame someone else so that it’s not our fault.
And we can go through our lives doing this day after day. Until you have the realization and wake up. Until you see it, blame will continue to keep you stuck. When these things are invisible to you, it is totally wreaking havoc in your personal happiness and your relationships.
When you see it, though, you can do something about it!
So, now is the time! It’s time to take your power back. Stop blaming others!
Stop blaming and start taking personal responsibility.
Now, before you get too upset and turn the page, understand this: personal responsibility is not saying that “you” are to blame.
I am not saying you start blaming yourself for everything. That is still Demand Relationship™, it’s just doing it to yourself instead of someone else.
Everything is not ALL YOUR FAULT. That does not fix a situation. Deciding to stop blaming others and start BLAMING yourself for everything is NOT Relationship Development®, it’s still Demand Relationship™.
There are TWO sides to Demand Relationship™, the Power Player (making the demands) and the Non-Power Player (being the pleaser). You’ve probably been in BOTH of those roles at times, right? You’re probably in ONE of those roles right now in your relationship.
Going from blaming him (you being the power player) to blaming yourself and making YOU wrong (the non-power player), is just YOU flipping from one end of Demand Relationship to the other end of Demand Relationship. And ALL Demand Relationship breaks DOWN relationships. It’s all crap.
So what is the Relationship Development® solution?
Stop blaming and start taking Personal Responsibility. Here’s the KEY….
Fault and responsibility do not go together.
Personal Responsibility is NOT a dirty word! It doesn’t mean that everything is your fault. It doesn’t mean that you are bad. People have confused personal responsibility for FAULT and they are shying away from taking personal responsibility for ANYTHING so as not to be at FAULT.
STOP IT.
You are giving away ALL your power when you refuse to take personal responsibility and you BLAME others.
We already redefined BLAME for you to be more accurate. Now it’s time to redefine your definition of personal responsibility.
Just because “it’s not your fault” doesn’t mean you don’t have the “response-ability” to fix it.
Will Smith framed it out so well when he said, “Fault and responsibility don’t go together. It sucks, but they don’t. … Your life, your happiness is your responsibility and your responsibility alone.”
It is not about fault, it‘s all about empowerment. Unhinge fault and responsibility. And even if something is somebody else’s fault, take personal responsibility for fixing it because you’re living in the results of it – always.
As I always say, “Everyone lives in the results of the decisions that they make.
There are no exceptions!”
When you take personal responsibility to fix something, you get to live in those results. When you blame someone else, your quality of life is in someone else’s hands and you live in those results.
It’s not about fault; it’s all about your empowerment. You HAVE the power to do this! It’s a skillset and it can be learned.
I wanted to make sure I addressed this piece about fault because the Demand Relationship™ mindset can really run deep. And we’ve been wired to believe that if you give up blaming others, then you give up being the power player (winner) in Demand Relationship and that must mean you’re going to be in the non-power player role (loser role).
Demand Relationship™ is a win-lose dynamic. The non-power player stays quiet and stops fighting and keeps her mouth shut to please everybody else. They give up their way and lose.
That is not what I’m telling you to do when I say stop blaming!
The truth is: you CAN take personal responsibility without blaming yourself or losing.
Where Demand Relationship™ is based on a win-lose dynamic, Relationship Development® is based on the win-win dynamic. We teach tools and strategies that allow you to KEEP going for the win-win.
You always have a choice! Your POWER is in what you DO with that choice!
One choice is to stay stuck in Demand Relationship, blame the other person and nothing changes. With that approach, you get the benefit of getting to repeat it over and over until one of you gives up. That’s not my opinion, it’s a predictable pattern.
Or, another choice is the Relationship Development® model. Take your power back, become “response-able!” Find the personal responsibility for yourself and then make the change that you want.
If you missed my article on Relationship Development® vs Demand Relationship, you can read it here.
