As a mother, you never imagine that your adult daughter is going to stop talking to you. To experience estrangement from your child is unbelievably painful. And for many parents, they report feeling bewildered and confused as to why estrangement came to be.
The good news is that reconciliation is possible. Several authors have dedicated books and blogs to helping parents navigate this experience and support their desire of coming back together. Although there’s no exact formula that guarantees reconciliation, there are a few things to consider from what we now know from the adult daughter’s perspective.
Questions for Reflection to Shed Light on Your Healing Journey
First, what are your reasons for wanting to reconcile? Getting curious about your responses to the following questions can shed light on your healing journey from estrangement as a parent.
- Why do you want to reconcile?
Being honest with yourself is the first step. Do you want to repair the relationship? Do you want to feel heard and validated in your choices? Are you looking to get even? Do you want a relationship with your grandchildren? There are any number of reasons why a parent wants to reconcile, and being prepared with a response for yourself and your estranged adult daughter should they ask is an important first step.
- What are your expectations for the reconciled relationship?
It’s not uncommon to hear folks say that they either want everything to go back to the way it was, or they want to start over, both of which would be problematic for the adult daughter who made this choice in response to feeling that something wasn’t right. Going backward to sameness would be a significant issue for them. What do you want the reconciled relationship to look like? Recognize that the relationship could be better or worse, but most likely just different.
- What steps will you agree to for reconciliation?
As you attempt to reengage your adult daughter, what offerings or compromises can you accept? Are you open to phone calls to start? Are you willing to have a relationship with your son-in-law but not speak to your estranged daughter? Are you pursuing a relationship with your grandchildren, even if it means you aren’t on speaking terms with their mother? Knowing your own boundaries in the reconciliation process will help both you and your daughter navigate the testing phase of reconciliation.
- What can you take responsibility for?
In other words, have you done your own reflection of what happened? Are you prepared to accept your adult daughter’s accusations and avoid arguing? Can you clearly name the offending actions prior to her pursuit of estrangement? Are you clear on prioritizing repairing the relationship instead of determining whose memories of events are right?
These questions for reflection then lead to the second aspect of healing from estrangement and the possibility of reconciliation with your adult daughter.
3 Steps to Open the Doors to the Possibility of Reconciliation
In serving hundreds of women over the years in therapy, I’ve heard from many of them that they are seeking the “three A’s”: Acknowledgment, Apology, and Action.
- Acknowledgement: Adult children are asking for acknowledgement from their parents that things weren’t always perfect in their childhood. What feels tricky for parents is the fear that if they acknowledge they’ve made mistakes, it means they are a bad parent. Not true! You are human and no human is perfect. How would you do things differently now? You can’t change the past, but being present with your daughter now can be the start of the healing journey towards reconciliation.
- Apology: Are there pieces worth apologizing for? What could you say if you apologized? What tone could you use? It’s understandably difficult to feel composed in the face of your adult daughter’s charged emotions about your relationship with them. Some will express anger or rage. Parents, in their own hurt, can respond defensively. How can you remain present and authentic in your apology? Does it help you to soften by remembering that your daughter’s expression of emotion shows that they are hurting?
- Action: What steps can you take to work on yourself and the relationship with your adult daughter? Does it mean going to therapy or engaging a coach or mentor? Is it about initiating family therapy with your adult child if they’re ready to engage in that way with you? For so many parents, doing their own work is important to their own healing, regardless of whether reconciliation is possible.
Imagine that both you and your adult daughter have gaping wounds on your body. You are both injured and bleeding. That’s what estrangement feels like. The process to heal an injury like this takes intentional insight, action, and time. You can heal yourself and support your adult child’s healing. They deserve to get to know you as the person you are today.
