Do you often find yourself caught in the trap of “too much to do, too little time”?You start wishing there were more hours in the day so you could get it all done. Yup, I know that feeling all too well – it leads to overwhelm, stress, and an overall sense of “arrghhh!”
One of the reasons you may be stretched so thin is because you’re saying yes to virtually every request that comes your way. It’s hard not to when family, friends, and work colleagues are depending on you. Often you want to help any way you can. This is an admirable and positive quality – no doubt. But, at the end of each day, what happens when you look at your own to-do list and realize that little or none of it got done?
Does this sound familiar? Do you often drop what you’re doing to run to the aid of others? Of course, sometimes you are genuinely needed and your help is truly warranted by another. However, many requests are not urgent and the people asking would be just fine without your help.
So is there a way to assess the difference and meet the needs of others whilst also meeting your own needs? Yes, there is. But, it requires you to value your worth and your time. Sometimes you’re saying yes simply because you think you should, not because you actually want to or because you’re able to.
Here are three simple steps to assess if saying no might better serve you.
1. Pause before saying yes. Unless the situation is an emergency, buy yourself a little time so you don’t give that kneejerk yes without thinking it through. You can tell the person you’ll get back to them shortly; or you can say you need to check your schedule. Doing this puts a little space between the request and the response, which allows you the time to assess the situation.
2. Ask yourself three questions: Is this something I want to do? Do I have the time? Is it a priority for me? If the answer to all of these questions is yes then it’s a no-brainer. However, if the answer to any or all of these questions is no, the response to the request may also be no.
If you still feel compelled to say yes it’s time to further evaluate why. Does the situation really require you to honor the request right now or could it be done at a later date? Or maybe there’s more to it than that – is it truly about helping the other person, or is it because you get to put off or avoid something in your own life? Be honest with yourself – really look at the motivation behind this.
3. Ask yourself one more question: Am I valuing myself and my time if I do this? I am separating this question from the others because it often has the most impact. Even if you find yourself compelled to say yes when you know the answer is really no, this question may stop you in your tracks. When you ponder this question you’re implicitly asking if you’re giving away your power to another person or situation, instead of standing strong in your own value and worth.
After you’ve fully assessed the situation, what if you really want to say no but you don’t know how or you’re afraid to? You’re not alone – this is a big reason why many folks say yes when they really mean no – they’re worried they will offend or let down the other party.
Saying no doesn’t have to be hard and as you practice it, you’ll find that there’s very little to fear. In fact, saying no often earns you more respect. You don’t have to offer a reason as you decline a request, but if it makes you feel better, consider using one of the following:
1. Say yes to the person but no to the request. Explain how much you’d like to help them, but in this instance you wouldn’t have the time/the resources/the fill-in-the-blank to fully commit to their request.
2. Explain the constraints that prevent you from fulfilling the request. This method can be used effectively even if it’s your boss making a request. You can explain that while you’d like to take on a new task, you don’t think you can do it without something else not getting done on time. This usually results in a discussion about current workload and priorities, so both you and your boss are on the same page about what’s most important.
3. Communicate the pros and cons of saying yes. Explain that while you’d like to help, unfortunately in this case, the downside outweighs the upside. This technique also allows you to suggest a different and more palatable version of the request in the future – but only do this if you truly feel that way!
4. If you’re still having trouble saying no, here’s the in-between option. Suggest that while you cannot help out right now, you might be able to at a later date or on a later project. But, use this carefully – if you opt for this path be sure that you set the date, time, and circumstances for helping so that it genuinely meets the criteria set out earlier: Do I want to do it? Do I have time? Is this a priority for me? Am I valuing myself and my time if I do this?
Now, here’s the kicker on learning to say no: you have to honor your own response! If you’ve taken the time to follow the steps above, don’t turn around two minutes later and say yes. Once you’ve made your decision, stick to it, and honor your value. Be true to yourself and what’s right for you.
How can you practice saying no so that you’re honoring your own time and value?
