What questions are you asking today?
If you’ve ever worked with a great coach or mentor, you’ve probably noticed that he or she asks you a lot of questions. These questions are targeted, sharp, often uncomfortable―but, inevitably, they lead you to a realization that blows your world wide open. Chances are, when that happens, that moment of epiphany will be imprinted on your heart and mind for the rest of your life.
I use targeted questions all the time in my editing and coaching practice. Questions get people’s gears turning. They lead to new possibilities, new pathways of thought, and new realizations. And when that inner lightbulb goes off … it’s magical.
The ability to ask relevant, targeted, open-ended questions is a skill that’s useful in every situation. Questions are open and evolving; they invite exploration. Every invention, every theory, every spiritual moment in history began, in one way or another, with a question.
Answers tell us what, how, when, where, and why. They are absolute. Rather than pathways, they’re landmarks or even dead ends; they’re static and unchanging. Once you have “the answer,” there’s no need to keep exploring. That’s why it’s so hard to change someone’s mind with facts and argument alone; trying to do so is like putting one brick wall in front of another, and telling the first that it needs to move out of the way.
When we work with questions, we continue to evolve, grow, and mature. When we stick to answers, however, we can end up boxing ourselves into a particular mindset, behavior, or thought pattern. When this happens, it becomes harder to adapt to the needs of a given situation or relationship, because the possibilities have already been cut off by our answers. When we say someone is “stuck in her ways,” what we really mean is that she has stopped asking questions!
How to Use Questions
I have a question that I apply to everything in my writing and editing work. I call it my All-Purpose Power Question.
“What would it look like if …”
Any time I’m resisting something―a project, a piece of feedback, a challenging emotion―I ask that question.
- What would it look like if I made that change to my book?
- What would it look like if I chose these words instead?
- What would it look like if I completely re-framed that blog post?
When I question my assumptions, default actions, and recurring thoughts and feelings with honest curiosity, I often realize that the very choice I’ve been resisting is actually my best path forward.
Here are some other questions I ask all the time when presented with a roadblock, a lack of clarity, or an “answer” that doesn’t feel quite right.
- What would it take to create X result?
- What is the best possible outcome here?
- What do I need to learn/receive/let go in order to create X?
- What do I need to learn from this?
- What if I didn’t have an opinion about this?
Inevitably, when I pause to ask the hard questions and release my judgments about the outcome instead of just plowing ahead on the basis of an established (and possibly unhelpful) answer, I learn, grow, and thrive as a writer, a coach, and a person. I receive new information, get a boost of creative energy, and generally feel lighter. I’m also better able to respond to feedback and suggestions in a positive and growth-oriented way.
Here’s an example. When I was working on my book, The Art of Inspiration, I gave a section to my hubby to review. In his usual helpful way, he came up with a list of suggestions to improve the flow of the material and make it more accessible for someone who wasn’t already a writer. His suggestions, however, should I accept them, would require me to rewrite an entire chapter of the book.
Now, keep in mind, at this point I’d been in full-on writer mode for weeks. I’d been living on about four hours of sleep a night, and cramming to meet my self-imposed deadlines was beginning to take its toll. In short, I was already in a mood.
The first emotion that flashed through me was anger. I wanted to shout, “Shut up! You don’t know what you’re talking about!” I bit my tongue.
The second emotion was shame. “You should have seen this issue ages ago,” my inner critic said. “What’s wrong with you?” Again, I kept my reaction inside.
I know my hubby could see all this playing out on my face. I’m not exactly good at dissembling. I could see that he was tempted to say more―to explain, or try to soften the blow―which of course would have only made me feel worse.
Then, I took a deep breath, and asked my All Purpose Power Question. “Okay,” I said, “What would it look like if I changed X, Y, and Z?”
As I asked the question, I could see the book reshaping itself. I could see all the possibilities in what Matthew was suggesting, and all the ways in which it would improve not only the chapter in question, but the overall outcome for everyone who read the book.
Don’t get me wrong: I was still stressed out. But I was no longer angry, or ashamed. I had a new possibility to chase, and that felt exciting. And, in fact, from that point on, the ways in which questions could be useful to writers became a central theme in my book!
If you’re a person who’s striving to create change in the world, it’s imperative to understand the power of the question, both as it applies to your own work and as it applies to your clients and readers. In your own work, question everything. Not in a disparaging way, but from a place of pure curiosity. Ask yourself, “Why does this work? Why doesn’t this work? What else can I discover here? What are the most powerful words I can choose right now?”
When working with others, explore the questions that your ideal clients might be asking. Then, show them―through emotional storytelling, open-ended suggestions, and targeted questions―how their “I don’t knows” can be pathways to the understanding and deep connection they truly desire.
I promise, once you master the art of the question, your life will never be the same.
NOTE: If you’re wondering how to incorporate more questions into your life, I suggest researching the Access Conscious practice. I’m not a practitioner or an affiliate, nor do I subscribe to the modality in whole cloth, but I do like the way in which questions and possibilities are presented as pathways to growth. Some of the questions I’ve presented above have their roots in Access Consciousness, while others are my own.
