Feeling alone in your relationship isn’t a new dynamic, but it is getting more and more common. The deep, dark truth is that in some ways, feeling alone in your relationship is worse than being on your own!
Even when your partner is in the same room, sitting next to you in the car, or even lying next to you in bed, you may only be ten inches apart, but it may as well be ten miles.
The more time that passes, the more uncomfortable it feels, and your day-to-day life starts looking like this:
You don’t talk to your partner as often because you feel so distant.
You go through your days feeling unsupported (and lost in your own thoughts about it).
You sometimes see your spouse listening to someone else they are talking to and think, “I can’t remember the last time they listened to ME like that”.
It feels like EVERYTHING is on your shoulders, yet you feel completely unappreciated.
The idea of building a bridge back to them seems insurmountable.
It’s no wonder that when the gloomy, disconnected feeling of being alone in your relationship creeps in and sticks around, most people try to close the gap.
Sadly, most of the time, it backfires, because most people resort to the two most common “old and broken” approaches that don’t work, because they don’t know what else to do.
Let’s look at these approaches, so you understand what not to do!
Old & Broken Approach #1: The Elephant
In this approach, one partner tries going right for the elephant in the room. They jump right into the deep end and open a conversation about the big stuff they believe has been causing distance between them and their partner.
Unfortunately, without any new or better tools to effectively have this conversation, this old “Elephant Approach” typically starts up the same old fights. Old hurts rise back to the surface and open both partners up to saying something they may later regret (and cannot take back).
Old & Broken Approach #2: The Small Talk
Instead of bringing up any charged topics, partners who resort to this approach try to keep things light. They walk on eggshells around the “big stuff” and make small talk about stuff that won’t lead to an argument.
But small talk does nothing to alleviate the suffocating heaviness and distance between them and their partner, so a few steps into the small talk and things feel big and heavy again.
Typically, the partner resorting to small talk gets only a few steps in before realizing they’ve got nothing else to say. Plus, both partners can feel the elephant in the room again.Or, even worse, one partner gets in three words of small talk before somebody accidentally starts World War III. Again.
When “The Elephant” and “The Small Talk” fail to close the gap between partners, what most people do is dive into work, the kids, the house, friend stuff, a committee – whatever they think will sufficiently distract them.
It feels good (for a bit, at least), it keeps your mind off your relationship, and you may feel happier in the moments of your day.
But these distractions do absolutely nothing to solve the distance between you and your partner. So, if distractions don’t work, and the old and broken tactics definitely don’t, what’s left to do? Before I share that, please understand that feeling alone in your relationship isn’t because there’s something wrong with either partner. Feeling alone in your relationship and not being able to fix it comes down to one thing:
Running to the end of your skill set.
When upsets, pains, disagreements, and resentments go unsolved, it creates distance.
Getting rid of the distance and feeling close to your partner again requires solving the upsets, pains, disagreements and resentments coming between you. Those are relationship dynamics, and there’s only one way to solve them: with relationship skill sets. (Not understanding this is the cause of SO much unnecessary suffering!)
Unfortunately, most people–including me, back when my husband, Paul and I first got together–are never taught the skills to solve disagreements and conflicts in a way that builds up the relationship. All that’s taught and modeled are old and broken dynamics that tear down the relationship. Clearly, they aren’t working for us!
That’s why Paul and I created our Relationship Development® method: to deliver the proven relationship skill sets people need to actually solve the relationship dynamics causing people to feel alone in their relationship.
Feeling alone in your relationship isn’t something that “just happens.” It’s not “inevitable,” either, despite what a lot of people believe. Get the skill sets, use them to solve the dynamics creating distance between you and your partner, and it is 100% possible to feel close to your partner again.
To get started learning these skills for your relationship, check out our 14-Day Boost program at https://14dayboost.com.
