Maybe you try not to do the MATH in your head as you think back and ask yourself, “When was the last time we…?” Maybe it was an anniversary? Or that time the kids were at a sleepover at Grandma’s? Has it been six weeks? Six months? Three years?
However long it’s been, you’re not going to shock me! My husband, Paul, and I work with loads of people all the time, so we know for a fact that the majority of people in long-term relationships ARE. NOT. HAVING. SEX.
Instead, many people tell us they feel like roommates or buddies with their spouse, but the heat, fire, and desire just aren’t there.
Or they’ve come to the painful realization that their partner doesn’t reach for them every time they walk by, and they miss the feeling of being desired. They miss those passion-filled nights of intimacy and how connected they felt afterwards.
It could be sex feels like a to-do list item now, meaning it’s one more thing they don’t have time to get to. If they are having sex, it’s blah (instead of hot and exciting), or they don’t feel sexy or turned on. In a lot of cases, it’s been so long since they had sex that starting things up again feels super uncomfortable.
It doesn’t help that everyone—in real life and in movies, books, and TV–insists that “sex fades in a marriage!”
No, it is not normal for sex to fade.
Factually speaking, sex does not “just fade!” Case in point: Paul and I have been together for 27 years, we’re in our fifties, and we have passionate, outrageous sex all week long! So what’s our secret?
I’m going to tell you, but first, let me tell you what not to do.
Trite, broken and gimmicky tactics like planning a date night, buying some lingerie, flirting with your partner, or trying to seduce your partner–and I say this with love–will not get sex back on the table.
If you’ve tried that trite garbage, then you already know it’s not effective. Typically, either your partner is oblivious to your efforts; or they get mad/upset or they reject you!
That means not only are you still not having the steamy sex and deep connection you crave, you’re also in tremendous pain because you made a bid for sensuality, and it was ignored, denied or rejected.
In our experience of helping thousands and thousands of people, there are only so many times people are willing to feel that kind of hurt, pain and rejection before they stop trying.
At that point in the relationship, a month without sex becomes three months without sex, then seven months since you’ve had sex, then a year and a half, and finally, years and years without sex. That’s when you start hearing from other people how “normal” it is for the passion to fade (which is NOT true!).
Why you can’t fix your sex problem.
The reason most people can’t fix their sex problem is because they don’t understand that a sex problem is rarely a sex problem, so it cannot be solved with a sex solution. Sex is a symptom of the health of your relationship. When sex fizzles or stops, the cause is in your relationship, not the sex.
In a long-term relationship, getting into bed when someone already wants to be with you – when someone desires you and feels attracted to you – is not about how you look, your makeup, what size you are, your hair, your wealth, or anything about you.
What is it about?
It’s about how the relationship with you makes them feel!
That’s what it was in the beginning, remember?
That’s why sex toys and tricks won’t bring the spark back if the relationship doesn’t make you and your partner feel that way anymore.
Please understand that not feeling that way anymore didn’t happen overnight.
If you’re anything like our students, it happened because your day-to-day interactions with your partner, over time, created more and more distance, resentments, pains, and hurts that were never solved.
All those unsolved hurts are like bricks in a wall between the two of you, and each new unsolved hurt is yet another brick in the wall.
The more bricks the two of you put in that wall, the more life is sucked out of your relationship, and one of the first things to go, as the bricks stack up, is the energy of sensuality between you.
Intimate desire energy cannot co-exist with that brick wall after it reaches a certain height.
Plus, making a bid for passion and being rejected creates such cement bricks in the wall between you and your partner that it may as well be a countdown timer to the end of your relationship.
In order for the energy of desire to grow and flourish again, those resentments, hurts, and pains have to be solved…not with sex solutions, but with relationship solutions, because again, sex problems are symptoms, not causes.
Once you solve the bricks, a phenomenal sex life can be unleashed!
If you’ve read this far and decided you can live without sex and instead focus on other things, like the kids and work, well yes, technically it’s true you can “live” without sex.
But passion is the life force of your relationship.
That amazing feeling of being wanted and desired—of being with someone who “can’t get enough” of being with you–doesn’t come from any other element of any other relationship, and not having it is incredibly painful.
Make no mistake – without passion, your relationship is dying.
If you’re thinking the answer is to swap out your current partner for a new one, our experience over the last decade plus of helping thousands of people is that without the relationship skill sets to solve the resentments, pains, and hurts, in time, you’re going to find yourself in the same situation even if you move on to a different person.
The real solution to a sexless marriage.
You can’t expect to leave unresolved problems and traumas in a relationship and be excited to jump back into bed with someone.
On the flip side, thinking “there’s just no solving this” is equally misguided. Paul and I have not just proven that it’s possible, we’ve already solved it, proven it and helped countless students do it!
If you’re in a sexless marriage, my recommendation to you (and all humans) is to get the Relationship Development skill sets to solve the bricks in the wall between you and your partner.
Your relationship doesn’t have to keep dying. That countdown timer doesn’t have to run out! That passion–that life force–that fuels not only your relationship, but YOU as a person…you can have it when you heal and solve the relationship problems blocking it.
To get started with our Relationship Development Method and our skills & tools, get access to our mini-course, FREE, today at RelationshipBreakthroughSecrets.com.
