From the time we were little, the majority of women I know and work with (myself included!) had already mastered the art of people-pleasing. Girls in particular seem to absorb the message early on that the most reliable way to get our needs met is by meeting the needs of those we rely on to care for us – this is even more true if we grew up in a chaotic environment, or one in which our bond to one or both parents was unreliable or insecure. Believing that our happiness is dependent on our ability to make our caregivers happy, we become hyper-sensitive to even subtle shifts in the emotional tone of other family members, and come up with some pretty creative ways of adapting ourselves to them. We might have taken on the role of the “good girl,” whose job it was to keep the peace; or maybe we became the “responsible one” as a way of demonstrating that we are valuable – and therefore, loveable.
It’s easy to understand how children adapt these type of primitive strategies to ensure our emotional (and sometimes, our physical) survival. However, if we fast forward 20, 30, or 40 years later and take an honest look, we may discover that these outworn ways of relating are still operating in some key aspect of our lives. And while it’s probably true that we’re no longer actively trying to win Daddy’s love, many of us are still hard-wired to seek happiness from sources outside ourselves. Of course, we’ve all experienced the rush of confidence that comes from capturing someone’s attention or producing a great result, but it’s vital to understand that the bottom line, essential happiness that we experience as a result of external accomplishments – whether it comes in the form of feeling acceptance, approval, validation, or self-esteem – is actually generated from within.
Behind every desire – big or small, material or intangible, superficial or deep – is a longing to experience a certain feeling. Examine anything you’re aspiring to be, have, or do – whether it’s to meet your soul mate, transform your body, experience more success in your career, or make more money – and you will discover that the underlying reason you want any of these things is because you believe that the having of them feel a certain way.
Most of us were raised within the mindset that in order to affect a change in the way we feel inside, we must affect a change in the world around us. “What I need is a new boyfriend,” we decide, “and then I’ll be happy.” Or, “If only I made more money (or had a baby, or lost 10 pounds, or had a second home where I can be near the water)…” You get the idea. This original fallacy in our thinking – this “outside-in”approach to happiness – sets us on a lifelong journey toward a destination that we can never reach.
So, if we agree that happiness (and joy, and excitement, and any other emotion we want to experience) can only be generated from the inside out, then the question becomes this: How can we as women who are so accustomed to seeking it from sources outside learn to redirect our energy and reverse our gaze from the outer world of form to the inner world of fulfillment? The following steps offer a reliable short cut:
1) Identify the unmet need.
Bring to mind something you really desire in your life right now; something that you’re convinced would give you that “Ahhh, yes… I’ve arrived!” feeling. This can be something tangible, like a new car, or something completely intangible, such as feeling a greater level of trust and closeness with a child. Once you’ve identified something you want to create, ask yourself, “What primary internal need do I believe will be met by creating this external condition?” Most likely, the need you’ll uncover is along the lines of needing to feel loveable, accepted, important, or worthwhile.
2) Generate that feeling from within.
Understand that in the same way that no one can make you feel bad without your consent (to borrow Eleanor Roosevelt’s famous quote), nothing and no one outside of yourself has the power to “make” you feel accepted, included, desirable or worthwhile – for the simple reason that this is an inside job. To integrate this as wisdom you feel in your bones rather than just an intellectual concept, place your hand over your heart or belly and say out loud: “I am the source of my ________,” then fill in the blank with whatever word best describes the particular flavor of happiness you are seeking.
3) Seal it in.
Do something that generates within you the essence of the feeling you want to experience. If it’s lovability, gaze at a picture of you as a baby, allowing yourself to feel how lovable you are. If it’s confidence, recall what you felt like after a significant accomplishment. Connect with the energy of this emotion, and imagine bringing that energy in to every cell of your being. After you’ve allowed yourself to marinate in this feeling for a minimum of 68 seconds (yep, that’s all it takes to change your vibrational set point), notice if you are inspired to take any actions that express and amplify this feeling. It could be as simple as giving your husband a hug, or sending an “I love you” text to a friend.
The most fundamental principle of the Law of Attraction is that what we send out in the form of our thoughts and feelings is returned to us as energy that resonates at a similar frequency. The moment you redirect your attention from desiring something external to feeling its internal essence within you, you shift your feeling state from wanting to having, from becoming to being, and from striving to allowing…and you change your point of attraction. And then you discover the magic that Rumi wrote about in poetry hundreds of years ago: What you are seeking is also seeking you.
