Self-Love as the Prerequisite for Soul-Hearted Love

Entering a soul­-hearted partnership with another person requires us to first open our hearts and unconditionally love ourselves. When we love ourselves, we become our own safe haven, where we feel free to fully express who we are and realize our dreams. Opening our hearts so we can love ourselves without qualification is the foundation for developing a soul­-hearted partnership with another, characterized by the mutual expression of unconditional love. As psychoanalyst and philosopher Eric Fromm states in The Art of Loving, “What matters in relation to love is the faith in one’s own love; in its ability to produce love in others. We are only capable of knowing and caring for the other if we are also capable of understanding, caring, and knowing ourselves.”[1] Stated differently, to experience soul­hearted love, we must first embody genuine love.

Difficulty with loving ourselves directly impacts the thoughts and feelings we have, the choices we make, the relationships we select, and how we perceive and react to every life situation. Feelings that we are unlovable occur due to our early childhood environment and as a result of our hearts disconnecting from our true being and our source. When we close off our hearts, we are more likely to take things personally, and then blame or attack others—a reaction that follows because we have automatically assumed that we are unlovable, not good enough, or there is something wrong with us. The blocked unconditional love of ourselves ultimately threatens the expression of unconditional love in our relationships. We have all witnessed couples giving each other a broken heart on a necklace as a symbol of their love. Although wearing this symbol may be endearing, it implies that the only way we can be complete is with our “missing half.” Since we cannot have a fulfilling relationship unless we feel complete in and love ourselves unconditionally, however, it is not surprising that many people even with their “other half ” still feel incomplete.

In contrast, self-­love leads to acceptance of the intrinsically spiritual nature of our being. Deeper than our patterns and structured identity is our true being—our sense of aliveness and authentic relatedness. We can experience this aspect of being with a child, friend, partner, coworker, stranger, or even a dog by opening our hearts, which allows unconditional love to flow through us. Through heart connections with others, we see that we are no longer separate but rather one in the collective flow of unconditional love.

With practice, we can master the art of loving and self­-loving. The key to self­-loving is knowing and accepting your true being. And the first step begins with what John Welwood, psychotherapist and teacher, refers to in Perfect Love, Imperfect Relationships, as “letting yourself have your own experience.” He goes on to say, “If you can let your experience happen, it will release its knots and unfold, leading to a deeper, more grounded experience of yourself.”[2]

At the same time, we have to trust that our experience is unique and valuable. Sharing it with others may cause us to think it is not unique, but in fact no one else can ever have our experience. Accepting it as valuable can be especially challenging for those of us who are accustomed to ignoring, avoiding, or distracting ourselves from personal experiences. Initiating self-­love by accepting our true being requires paying attention to whatever is going on at any given moment, opening the heart, observing our thoughts with healthy detachment, and acknowledging our feelings, saying to ourselves, for instance, “I feel anxious or fearful,” “I feel confused,” or “I am acting in an insecure way.” We don’t have to like our experience, but we do have to affirm its presence. Acceptance of our true being quiets the brain’s critical voice and opens the heart to unconditional self­love. Love of yourself can be reinforced by opening your heart at the start of each day and being mindful of your blessings and your ability to handle anything in life. It also helps to hold yourself accountable for your weaknesses, appreciate your unique gifts, and be grateful for the opportunities life has to offer. –

Two Self-Love Practices

Practice opening and expanding your heart center. Touching the center of your chest, experience the ebb and flow of your breathing. Each time you inhale take in life force energy as oxygen, and each time you exhale release negative thoughts, emotions, and physical discomfort. The deeper you breathe, the more you get in touch with the core of your being. Now quiet your mind and witness your thoughts, focusing on the flow of energy emanating from your heart so you can view a greater range of possibilities and see what your heart desires. – 

Become your own loving coach. Override your negative mental patterns by eliminating self­abusive words and actions, such as “I am inadequate” or “I’ll never be happy.” Disrupt the chain reaction of your negative thinking with positive affirmations such as “See and move beyond,” “Open and let go,” or “Bless and release,” saying these mantras aloud or to yourself so they can become the basis for manifesting the fulfilling life you envision.

Excerpted and adapted from Soul-Hearted Partnership: Creating the Ultimate Experience of Love, Passion, and Intimacy, HeartPaths Media, LLC; First edition (November 20, 2009). [1] Erich Fromm, The Art of Loving (New York: Harper & Row, 1956), 114. 2JohnWelwood, Perfect Love, Imperfect Relationships (Boston:Trumpeter,2007), 105-106.