Tired of your inner critic? Want to lose that awful self-judging chatter in your mind?
Yes?
You can banish your negative self-talk by discovering your Diamond Self! This is your most dynamic, self-loving, and passionate identity. It builds on all of your prior successes in love and at work. This is the self that you are most proud of—the self you believe in. It’s the “you” that acts in ways you like, enjoy, and respect, the “you” that is your own beloved warrior. It’s ultimately the real you, who acts freely without fear and doubt, who is at home in your body and true to your passions, and who attracts people into the orbit of your charisma.
Hard to relate to, right? I know. You think your “real” self is nervous, uncomfortable in her body, and lacking confidence with attractive men. You’re convinced that your own mysterious Diamond Self is either impossible to muster up or dead and buried.
Well, consider this: You are probably suffering from a serious delusion about your real self. You are confusing the wounded, fear-bound, and scarred-over you, the one who is constrained by delimiting cultural and familial labels, with the beautiful and perfectly okay self you were born with. As Marianne Williamson puts it, “Love is what we are born with. Fear is what we learn.” Here is a powerful step to help you rediscover and build on that original loving and lovable self.
Think back to when you were an infant, toddler, or young child. Look at photos where you were all smiles, alive, and in the moment. You were born with innocence, natural curiosity, and joy in the world. The original you was a fully present, adorable little being, in touch with all of her blissful feelings and naturally assertive and self-expressed.
When you were that sweet child running around, what did you enjoy? Was it the running around, or cooking on your Fisher-Price play stove? Maybe it was sitting still staring at a bumble bee. Were you a big talker or a chubby witness who sat on your potty throne and took it all in? Did you love to finger paint? Think back and remember that early time when you were free to play and explore the world. What were you like? This is a time before you were boxed in by your parents’ and society’s expectations, fears, and neuroses. Before you were ignored, shamed, or told you were bad. Before the limitations and fears set in.
Chances are, all those early traits are still with you, in their grown-up manifestations. And they are all utterly you and okay. In fact, they are charming, even captivating. But they may be entirely hidden.
I have an old photo of myself from that innocent first era, before I closed down my heart and got shy to the point of being mute. It shows a cherubic three-year-old in a beloved park where I used to love to race around and climb all the rocks. I am sitting in the dirt, grinning wide-eyed at the camera, posing with joy and confidence, an impish tomboy in my dirty polka-dot dress. I keep the picture by my computer and look at it with great appreciation almost every day. That is me. In fact, when I watched myself on the Today Show, I giggled outright because I caught the tomboy imp in a dress staring back at me from the TV set.
We are all born with unique temperaments and biological predispositions and gifts. Know and celebrate yours. As you get in touch with and create a life from that “real self,” you’ll begin to tap into your unique charisma. Here is a mantra I learned from the brilliant acting teacher Jack Plotnick: Every person is interesting when they are real. When you are your authentic self without social facade or pretense, none of your energy is bound up in monitoring yourself and how you are coming off to others. Instead your full energy and attention are available in the moment. You are able to pay attention to the person you are with. You are free to act and speak from your whole self, based on real needs, impulses, and desires. Voilà! Your natural liveliness, inquisitiveness, quirkiness, and funniness emerge. You can still be polite and socially appropriate but in a real way that is grounded in natural feelings of loving connection and compassion. This is true happiness and beauty.
Here’s how Margery Williams describes the Velveteen Rabbit becoming real in her classic allegory:
He was Real…. That night he was almost too happy to sleep, and so much love stirred in his little sawdust heart that it almost burst. And into his boot-button eyes, that had long ago lost their polish, there came a look of wisdom and beauty.
Being real means you become grounded in knowing that you are beautifully okay just as you are. You regain your basic wisdom, which is grounded in the ability to know what you really want and need. You are free to feel your feelings and be in love with life, just as you were when you were first discovering the world.
Build on that early identity so that you open the beautiful facets of yourself like a well-cut diamond.
Just remember: Every person is interesting when they are real.
Take chances. Be different. Have fun. Dance on a table, be silly, sing off-key. Don’t do anything self-destructive, but catch the impulse, follow it, and see what you say or do. Play and let yourself be you. If you break free like this you will fall in love—with yourself—in a way that helps others feel good and free to be real, too.
© Dr. Diana Kirschner. Excerpted from “Love in 90 Days” by Dr. Diana Kirschner.
