Fun, playfulness, romance and flirting….it’s one of the first things to fly out the window when we have the house, the kids, the work and all the other stuff we have to manage!
And before we know it, we are stuck in Over-Responsibility Land…where we are all uptight, pissed, frustrated, over-whelmed, disappointed and basically Bitch-O-Rama a good portion of every stinkin’ day.
And G-d help the man who tries to help and doesn’t do it “right” or worse…the man who doesn’t try to help at all! Now we direct that Bitch-O-Rama at him! Criticism, rolling the eyes, little (or not so little) digs about how he does nothing, until we finally blow… ranting or crying about how it’s just too much and we are miserable.
Sound familiar?
How did this happen?
It’s actually not your fault…it happened organically! But the good news is, you can turn it around!
It was a sneaky, little underground attack in your Blueprint that caused this!
Your blueprint, or your software, is made up of your beliefs, values, and the meanings you give things. It’s what your brain and nervous system use to “run your show” everyday…the software of you!
What does this Blueprint have to do with not having any fun?
Explain, you ask? Oh, it would be my pleasure! Prepare to have your mind blown. 😉
It starts so innocently.
“Other people do shit wrong and I do it right.”
“That’s not the way I would have done it”
“That’s not quite what I wanted”
“I was dreaming about how this would be and that ain’t it”
Any of that sound familiar?
When we find ourselves in a committed long term relationship where we are “hinged” to the other person, eventually we start evaluating everything that person thinks/feels/says/does based on what we would think/feel/say/do.
Yes, you do.
You measure what the way they do it against how you would do it for yourself in order to decide if you are HAPPY or UNHAPPY with what they think/feel/say/do.
If their actions/words match or exceed your expectations, you are HAPPY.
If they fall short, you are UNHAPPY.
Make sense now?
Sure, it makes sense, but there’s a HUGE pitfall here, honey.
You are destined for UNHAPPY in this math.
HOW?
The partner that you have is, by definition, a separate human being from you. That means that, by definition, they have their own blueprint, their own software…and it’s not yours! And if your partner is someone of the opposite gender, oh my, they are practically a different species than you!
So they will actually NEVER think/feel/say/do the same as you…so UNHAPPY is going to come up for you a freakin’ lot! (Yes, that’s the technical term for it…I checked)
So over time, this “Consistent Unhappiness” builds.
And eventually it turns into resentment, frustration, bitterness, anger and even despair!
So, where did the Fun, Playful and Flirty-You go?
She’s suited up under that armor designed to protect her from all this disappointment, pain and bullshit! She’s doing it all herself, pissed about it, wanting him to swoop in and provide and serve for her, but she’s probably mourning the death of that dream as she turns her attention to the kids, her work, her folks, her friends and whatever gives her momentary pleasure or escape.
Maybe that’s not you…or, maybe some of it is.
The Blueprint (beliefs, wiring, patterns) you created decades ago has set you up for this pitfall.
You have now experienced years or maybe decades of upset, disappointment, pain, frustration or hurt, from the lousy “measuring math” in your blueprint.
No wonder you lost the fun, playfulness and flirting and got stuck in being Bitch-O-Rama in your over-responsibility feeling that no one else is doing anything but you.
The truth is, when he tries to DO stuff and you criticize, correct or don’t accept it the way he delivers it, you are rejecting him and teaching him NOT to help you.
And if he’s NOT doing anything to help you, there’s a good reason for that too. It’s the masculine and feminine misunderstanding each other.
Men don’t help unless they are asked, because it would be a sign of disrespect to offer help to another man who didn’t ask for help (it implies he doesn’t have his shit together and can’t be trusted to get his shit done). So unless he’s looking to get hit, a man wouldn’t offer unsolicited help to another man.
A man’s blueprint says to only offer help when someone ASKS you for help directly.
And women have been “trained” not to ask for help unless the refrigerator falls on us… so you can see the dilemma.
By the way ladies….men don’t offer unsolicited help. And YOU do, all the fucking time. And every time you do, he takes it as your lack of confidence in him as a man. (Maybe stop it!)
It’s messy I know. But it’s not impossible to fix.
The great news is that you didn’t “pick wrong”, it’s not just YOUR man, and there’s nothing wrong with you. Without understanding and appreciating what’s going on, and without the tools to turn this around, this is what organically happens in as committed relationships progress.
What to do now?
Happiness is a choice!
Playfulness is a choice!
Every time your partner interacts with you, you have a choice in how you respond.
All our bitching, nagging and dissatisfaction to “punish” them, send the message or correct them doesn’t work anyway.
The years and decades of being pissed or sad haven’t fixed this and they are not going to. So you may as well stop it and try something else.
Try DOING happy! Try DOING playful! Try DOING fun!
These aren’t things that happen TO you…you DO happy, you DO playful and you DO fun!
In your Blueprint, you have all these RULES about when you can DO happy, playful and fun! And guess what….unless the stars align and everything is the way it looked in your head when you wrote that rule-book, you ain’t gonna be doing happy, playful and fun very often sister!
Life is messy. It’s supposed to be messy. Look at some of those RULES you have in your Blueprint!
Perhaps you are making it too hard to be happy, fun and playful….and making it oh so easy to be disappointed, sad, frustrated, pissed (or whatever feels bad for you)?
Start breaking some of your own rules my sister! DO happy, DO fun and DO playful.
Try it just for 10 minutes and then go back to your Bitch-O-Rama or whatever it is for you. I’m not trying to take that away from you.
It’s 100% your choice how you react to your partner.
Yeah, you may be stuck in a pattern. But you created it and when you DECIDE, you can create something different!
Sending love,
Stacey
