If you had asked me if I loved myself back in 2012, I would have said, “Yes, of course!” But I was wrong. You see, I thought that if I had high self-esteem, that meant that I loved myself.
Then in April 2013, something happened that changed my life. During a guided meditation, I received a message that I was living the wrong life. The life I had created for myself as wife, professor, author, and integrative nutrition coach wasn’t the life I was meant to be living. Because somewhere deep in my soul I knew this person – my stage name, so to speak – professor, researcher, coach, etc. – wasn’t who I really was. It was merely a persona I had created based on who everyone else thought I should be. It was a safety net, a persona I wore to hide myself from the woman in the mirror.
What I came to realize when everything fell apart for me in 2013 is that my “high self-esteem” was a façade, a mask covering my deep self-loathing and resentment. You see, I was afraid to get to know that woman in the mirror. Afraid I wouldn’t like who she was. That she wouldn’t measure up. That I would fail if I let her shine.
But that day in April 2013, I knew I had no choice. I had to get to know that woman in the mirror. I had to let her be who she wanted to be. And, most importantly, I had to love her no matter what.
I know I am not alone in this struggle. My friend and mentor, Linda Joy, publisher of this wonderful inspirational magazine, once said:
“[Women] have been programmed by the media and society to DO, strive and out-perform in order to meet a standard that in reality just can’t be met. For many, the Superwoman cape has become a second skin. It becomes a part of the illusion of who we believe we must be in order to be loved, appreciated and valued.”
We’ve been so pressured to be all and do all that deep down we think we’re somehow flawed if we can’t meet these unrealistic expectations we put on ourselves. So we do things for others rather than for ourselves because we want their love and approval.
But here’s the thing: if we can’t give those things to ourselves, how can we expect or accept them from others?
We can’t. Not truly. Because somewhere inside of us is a little girl that thinks she’s not worth it in and of herself. That she has to do more, give more, be more, to get the love and appreciation she so desires.
And so we keep on….
Until the dam breaks. And believe me; my dam broke in April 2013. In the 6 months that followed, I got a divorce, moved, broke my heel for the second time in a year, went on sabbatical, and turned 40. And somewhere in the midst of all that, I fell apart.
I have never been more grateful. Because 2013 made me realize that I didn’t love myself – not really. In fact, I had ignored my needs for so long that I had virtually withered away. So I had to start over. I had to find me again because somewhere along the way I had lost myself. I had to pick up the pieces of me and examine each and every one to see if it still fit. If it was still necessary. If I still wanted it as part of my life.
So how do you start? How do you pick up the pieces of you and reassemble them? First, you have to figure out whether or not you love yourself. Hint: It’s not what you looks like. It’s not what you say on the outside. It’s what you say on the inside. It’s how you act toward yourself.
You see, what we choose to show to the outside world is often a mask, a façade – not the real us. What we need to realize is that it’s okay to be real, to be vulnerable. It’s okay to not be perfect. It’s okay to just be you. And it’s perfectly okay – even necessary – to give yourself love and affection.
Christine Arylo, frequent contributor to Aspire magazine says, “Self-love is the unconditional love and respect you have for yourself that is so deep, so solid, so unwavering that you choose only situations and relationships – including the one you have with yourself – that reflect that same unconditional love and respect.”
Think about what that means for a moment. You respect yourself so much that each of your relationships reflects that same unwavering unconditional love and respect – or you don’t remain in that relationship.
The relationship you have with yourself is the MOST IMPORTANT relationship in your life. Why? Because if you love yourself, there is no need for you to fit into someone else’s image of what a beautiful, intelligent, successful woman is. There is no sacrifice, no apology for being you, no settling for less.
A few years ago, I gave a talk about Self-Love in February right before Valentine’s Day. I started the presentation with Christine Arylo’s definition of self –love. Immediately a hand went up. “You don’t mean what I say to myself when I look in the mirror, right?”
“Is that showing you unconditional love and respect?” I countered.
“Well no, but that’s my body… Wait – you mean the negative conversations I have with myself every time I get dressed are not self-love?” she asked.
“No,” I informed her.
She was shocked and asked the women around her to back her up on this fact that your body is different from yourself. Everyone laughed self-consciously as the realization dawned.
Your body is you. Your feelings are you. Your thoughts, words, actions are you.
By picking apart at ourselves, we are not showing our bodies, minds, or spirits the love and respect they deserve. Yet, we do it anyway.
So I ask you: how can you show yourself more love, honor, respect and affection today? How can you make sure you are getting your needs met? Need a hint: try asking yourself, “What do you need to feel loved today?” Allow whatever wants to bubble up to rise to the surface. Now go do that. Take charge of getting your own needs met. Show yourself some love and affection today.
You see, YOU, above everyone else, deserve your love. It is the most precious gift you can give yourself.
