We have chosen an extraordinary time to be here on earth to assist in the healing and expansion of human consciousness. Yet, in such turbulent times, it’s important that we practice compassionate detachment more than ever. For many of us, it’s not easy being so open and sensitive to the needs and energies of the world. Like sponges, our energy fields are porous and prone to soak up the energies of others. And because we take in the build-up of negative energies of others, we often feel compassion fatigue or empathy overload.
Practicing compassionate detachment shows us a broader, more spiritual perspective on life. It opens up the intimate space of relationship so we can connect with the expanded dimension of our being, and the being of another. The practice of compassion involves empathy, which leads to a relationship between equals, rather than sympathy, which leads to a hierarchical relationship in which one person feels sorry for the other.
To be empathic toward others, even those who are mean, deceitful, or hurtful, requires that we open our hearts and feel compassion for ourselves, dissolving the walls we have erected around our hearts for self-protection. Vulnerability lays the groundwork for empathy. Science has demonstrated that humanity is united by empathy, a phenomenon that has been observed in children as young as one year of age. Research shows that, when we feel compassion, the most sophisticated thought centers in our brains light up, indicating that we are hardwired to be compassionate toward others. Compassion brings our brain into harmony with the vibration of love from our heart center. Therefore, the more compassionate we are with ourselves, the more our capacity for empathy increases so we can respond to the emotional needs of others.
Being compassionate toward others, however, does not require us to engage in any unhealthy physical or emotional experiences they may be having. In fact, compassion requires that we remove ourselves from their physical process, and instead support from a place where we feel stable and empowered. We can communicate that we love a person while still refusing to play a part in their drama. For instance, when someone wants to vent about a particular issue, we can listen with an open heart but still refrain from taking on their negativity, giving unsolicited advice, or trying to fix the situation. This allows us to provide loving support yet remain calm, nonreactive, and nonjudgmental.
Empathy is compassion in action. When someone is stuck in a dark hole, empathy is empowering them by offering a hand, and supporting them while they find a way to get themselves out. By contrast, sympathy is jumping into the dark hole with them and commiserating about how bad it is in the hole.
To hold the space of love and release any negative energies, you can practice these five steps of compassionate detachment:
Retreat: If you’ve ever attended a gathering or shared an office with an energy bully, you may have felt your eyes get heavy, sleepy, or dry, noticed your mood shifting from positive to negative, or suddenly become irritated or agitated. It’s important when you feel these symptoms that you pause, check in with yourself, and give yourself permission to remove yourself from the situation as soon as possible. You can get some fresh air, tell the person you will call them back, or drift over to mingle with people who give off positive energy. You can radiate love from a distance without losing yourself. Notice how this practice beneficially affects your physical and emotional well-being.
Re-evaluate: When encountering negativity, ask yourself, “How can this interaction with this person help me spiritually grow?” or “What is this person or situation showing me about myself?” Every exchange in life―good, bad, or neutral―is an opportunity to become free of your fear-based patterns and self-sabotaging behaviors, and open your heart in love.
Restore: After any negative encounter or situation, it’s crucial that you detox the lower vibrational energies you have absorbed. Taking deep cleansing breaths, showering, and spending time in nature are simple ways to clear your energy system. All of these will ground you and bring you back into energetic balance and resonance.
Raise: Raise your energy vibration by opening your heart and surrounding the person or situation in love. Love brings you into non-resonance with lower vibrations, and you can radiate love from a distance without compromising your own energies. As a conduit of love, you can strive to see “negative nellies” as catalysts to elevate your energy and engage your highest self.
Re-enter: When you re-enter the negative environment, do so slowly, with loving intent, and conscious awareness as to which of your buttons are likely to be pushed again. Make sure you are fully centered. Use the “broken record technique,” which is repeating a neutral statement to reduce any emotional volatility. Keep your interactions short and sweet, end conversations swiftly and with compassion, and lessen the time and duration you spend in toxic situations.
It’s possible to be compassionate and accepting of another person while still holding that person accountable for their words and behavior. One of the barriers to practicing compassionate detachment is the fear of setting boundaries and holding people accountable. Not holding them accountable for their unhealthy choices, however, actually impedes their capability to help themselves and spiritually grow.
In reality, when we set healthy energetic boundaries and hold others accountable for their choices, we become more loving, compassionate people. When we take full responsibility for every choice in our lives, we cannot be a victim, only a co-creator. Above all, when we set compassionate boundaries, we love and value ourselves by showing others how we wish to be treated. Then we can be response-able even in the most challenging circumstances, and attract everyone and everything we need to manifest a more fulfilling reality.
Separating our reactions from someone else’s gives us the detachment we need to stop taking their reactions personally or blaming them for ours. One way to remain compassionate and responsive is to remind ourselves that the other person is going through their own process of self-discovery, which likely has nothing to do with us. We must trust that they are on their own soul’s journey, and are creating the scenarios they need to spiritually transform.
Sustaining healthy energetic boundaries increases our ability to infuse difficult situations with positive energy―and ultimately, to transform them. In choosing to respond rather than react, we can diffuse a negative situation and create a neutral space in which the other person doesn’t have anything to come up against. Without something to react to, they are more likely to calm down and even become aware of their own reaction. Providing them with a mirror of love in which to see themselves helps them gain awareness of their behaviors. Thus, holding them accountable for their actions actually opens the possibility for unconditionally loving interactions with them in the future.
An additional benefit of showing kindness and compassion to others for their self-discoveries is that whenever such people come into our lives, they also reveal something about ourselves that we need to either release or transform. So when we fear getting hooked into any person’s negative patterns we can also observe ourselves to discover our own possible negative patterns related to the exchange. Then we can compassionately bless the person and release the situation to resolve on its own.
When we open our hearts, withhold judgment, and remain nonreactive, we experience situations from a spiritually elevated perspective; this gives us detachment as well as the capacity to feel compassion for even those who deceive or hurt us. “A truly compassionate attitude toward others does not change even if they behave negatively or hurt you,” says His Holiness the Fourteenth Dalai Lama.
Showing compassion for others’ struggles and suffering allows us to discover valuable information that may alter our perspective on their plight. For instance, instead of judging a person who neglected or abused us as a child, we can investigate how they, too, may have been neglected or abused, and compassionately love the child they were when they were hurt like us. Profound compassion opens our hearts to empathy, forgiveness and love, even to perfect strangers.
Practicing compassionate detachment gives us the power to transcend anyone or anything that doesn’t originate from the energy of love.
