Do you have a tendency to compare yourself to others? How does it feel? When you compare yourself to another person, mostly likely you’re not thinking about all the wonderful qualities you have or all the impressive things you’ve done. Instead, you’re thinking you don’t have the skills and talents another person has, or you’re not good looking, or you’re somehow inferior because you’re not making as much money.
Maybe you think because you’re not as knowledgeable and experienced as someone you admire, you don’t have what it takes to start your own business or write a book.
And maybe you’ve been convinced that you have to be just like all the other successful people in the world to get anywhere in life. You can’t be yourself.
I’m here to tell you that you can express your authentic self, and you can contribute to the world in ways that are unique to you. But you have to get past the programming that says you’re not worthy or enough as you are.
And I’m also here to say you’re not alone. We all compare ourselves to others and it’s completely normal, but when you bludgeon yourself in the process, you’re not going to live the life you really want to live. You’ll take action, but it won’t be authentic action, and you’ll feel exhausted and drained at the end of each day. You’ll feel like something’s missing. That something missing is your ability to fully honor and live your truth.
Comparison is a sneaky little devil that presents itself in these ways:
Questioning Yourself – You’re skipping along, feeling awesome and totally blissed about your life, until you find out someone you know makes more money than you or had a better summer vacation. Maybe, like me back in my corporate days, you’re sitting in a meeting and wondering why you’re not like this person or that one – you know, the ones who always have ideas and everyone oohs and aahs about. You think if you were more like them, you’d get the promotions and the attention too. So you try to mold and shape your personality – or at least your work persona – to be that person. You try to do and say the right things, even if they don’t feel authentic.
Focus on Weaknesses – And in molding and shaping your persona, you forget about the value you bring to the table. All the wonderful things about you get sidelined because you’ve made up a story that they’re not worthy of admiration by others. So instead of recognizing and using your talents and gifts, you try to improve on your perceived weaknesses instead. If you succeed, maybe people will accept you once and for all.
Not Feeling Like You’re Enough – As you try to improve on your weaknesses, you realize it’s not only an uphill battle, but you never feel you’re enough. Even if you’ve made some progress mastering that skill you, your mother, or a blogger at Forbes believe you should have, you still feel like a fraud. I’m not exactly sure who said this, but it makes sense: “… if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.”
Focus on The Gap – You focus on that gap between where you are now and where you want to be – or think you should be. You SHOULD be more organized. You SHOULD make more money. You SHOULD drink all the green smoothies so you can be thinner and capture all the attention from all the guys at the bar at your next Girls Night Out. Closing the gap becomes your focus, even if you’re frustrated that the scale is not moving in a downward direction or you got passed over yet again for a promotion. Sadly, you postpone your happiness until you’re “there.”
Stops You From Trying – If you fail at reaching your goals, you stop trying. You give up on yourself completely. So not only are you still blind to the gifts and strengths you have, you’ve given up on being the person you think you should be, and you spend your free time on activities that don’t light you up and are not true expressions of who you are.
When you compare yourself to others, you step on your own truth instead of stepping towards your dreams.
You can live your life with fullness and ease by trying these suggestions instead:
When you catch yourself in comparison mode, see this as an opportunity to learn and grow. For example, if you’re comparing yourself to the superstar at work, talk to that person and find out what they’re doing and how they got to where they are. Use your filters as you do this. I’m not suggesting that you be like them. I’m suggesting that you simply listen and make notes of anything that stands out. Maybe there’s a class they took. Maybe there’s a book they read. Be sure to check-in with yourself to see what fits and what doesn’t, then decide for yourself what course of action to take.
Comparisons also bring up aspects of your life or yourself that you’re not paying attention to. It’s an opportunity to find out what YOU need. If you get worked-up about being passed over for a company-sponsored trip or if a guy at the bar talks to your friend instead of you, find out what’s behind that. Maybe you want to feel sexy, attractive, and wanted. Maybe you need time-out to pamper yourself. Chances are there’s something missing in your life. Find out what that is and figure out another way to get it.
And remember that whoever you’re comparing yourself to, you probably have those same qualities that person has. Maybe it’s expressed in a different way or you have yet to acknowledge them, but they reside within you. That person is a mirror. And maybe that superstar at work thinks you’re the superstar and they’ve been admiring you from afar! Imagine how it would feel to know someone else thought highly of you?
So if you choose to improve yourself in any way, look at the qualities you admire in others and see how you can cultivate them in yourself. In which case it’s not really about self-improvement – it’s a process of reframing and rediscovery. You’re reframing the negative beliefs you’ve had about yourself, and rediscovering the truth of your inherent value and worthiness.
These tips will require practice, and you’re going to be tempted to go down the rabbit hole of despair from time to time. Just gently remind yourself that you’re enough.
You’re a superstar.
It’s the truth regardless of what you do or don’t do or what anyone else says. Your value comes from being you, not from being nicer looking or more successful than someone else. When you choose to recognize all the wonderful things about you instead of comparing yourself to others, you’ll stand taller and stronger and boldly live your authentic life.
