Do you rely on others for validation?
I’ll admit to feeling ecstatic way back when the popular girls in high school acknowledged me, or when my boyfriend called me while he was at work, or when I received a job offer, even if I didn’t know I would actually like the job.
It was validation from others, and it made me happy. It meant I was worthwhile and interesting.
But relying on that led to a form of powerlessness that I don’t like to experience.
It’s the kind of powerlessness where you don’t make a decision because you’re worried people will judge you.
It’s the kind of powerlessness that you feel when no one is patting you on the back for all the things you do, so you believe nothing you do matters.
It’s the kind of powerlessness where you’re relying on someone besides yourself to give you a boost so you feel satisfied and certain that you matter.
Can you relate? We all need someone to remind us from time to time that we’re fabulous, but do you find that you absolutely cannot make a move or feel good about yourself until someone showers you with mega doses of validation and confidence?
That’s not an empowering place to be, and you’re risking your happiness.
People leave… or die. You finish school. Your job ends because of downsizing. You can’t predict what life will bring. Outside things can add to your happiness – there’s nothing wrong with that. But when those things become everything to you and the main source of your identity, you’ll feel empty inside when they go away.
When they’re gone, you cling to the next thing that presents itself. You fill the emptiness with a relationship or a job. Even retail-therapy gives you some temporary excitement. But sooner or later you realize you attract partners who disrespect you, and you’re overworked and underpaid with no time or energy to think of other possibilities, or create the life you really want.
When you rely on others to validate you, you lose the freedom to be who you truly are.
Over time I learned to rely on myself for my own happiness regardless of what’s happening around me. I learned (and am still learning!) to get out of my own way. If the need for validation is holding you back, I have a few tips for you:
Cultivate your sense of self. Who are you apart from your job, or your family, or even any clubs you’re a member of? Remember that you’re a person of worth just for being alive. You’re not your clothes or your car or your YouTube following. And you’re definitely not any of the negative things that may have been said about you. Nothing outside of yourself defines you. Only you do.
What makes you unique? You might say, “We’re all unique, so what makes me so special?” But you have a special blend of personality, talents, perspective, and abilities that make you who you are. It’s your “special sauce.” It’s time to acknowledge the gifts you have, spend some time cultivating them, and share them with others.
One way to tap into your gifts is to try something new. Take a painting class. Make jewelry. Learn to cook. If you’re having trouble figuring out what you want to do, ask yourself what you enjoyed doing as a child. That’ll give you some clue about the activities you’d enjoy doing now. You might uncover a lost passion!
Find ways to connect with yourself. Some examples are meditating, writing, or any form of physical activity. I write in a journal every day, and I enjoy Nia classes. Nia is a practice that encourages you to move your body’s way, which teaches you to navigate life your own way. And as you dance with your whole body, you’ll learn to bring your whole self to every situation, not just the pieces and parts you think others want to see.
And consider this: all the times you were hoping something or someone would come along and sweep you off your feet (or kiss them, if you prefer that sort of thing) and tell you how wonderful you are, you could have painted your first masterpiece, or written your first novel, or sailed the Caribbean. But it’s not too late. You can stop letting external things define you and start connecting with who you are so you can feel the awesomeness of you… no matter what happens in your life.
