Every person’s experience around grief is uniquely their own, and every one of them is exactly perfect. I am sharing my own because it is utterly important that you love yourself through the snot filled tears and angry outbursts… right up through the beautiful moment that the gratitude firmly seats in your core!
I have always been comfortable with death. Perhaps that is because I believe that death is a transition and the energy of the soul can communicate with us beyond the veil… or perhaps, my perspective comes from my family’s tradition of celebrating the life of our loved one. Mourning is left to days or weeks later… by yourself.
My first recollection of the celebration of life was for my great grandfather when I was 4. My most vivid memory, from that day, is of my 11 year-old cousin being inconsolable… I could not fathom why she was so upset… he was old and miserable… why didn’t she realize that this was best for him… and us… no more suffering and no more having to watch it.
I have experienced the normal spectrum of deaths. My best friend in high school, in a car accident, my cousin at 24 years old to brain aneurysms; my dad when I was 34 and most recently my grandfather.
Each passing elicited a slightly different wave of emotions, but they all took me on the same journey, all ending in gratitude. First, disbelief sets in, then it’s time to seal myself for the upcoming proximity of family. Now that everyone has gone back to normal life, it is time to review and accept the passing, which finally leads to overwhelming gratitude for the love and experience I shared with the beautiful soul. These are my steps in the grieving process… they are not the readily prescribed stages of grief… but when do I subscribe to what someone else tells me I should feel? … You shouldn’t either!!!
Disbelief – the phase generally starts with a few tears and questioning… did I do everything I could? Should I have done more… well, please don’t should yourself to death… you can’t change the past and your loved one is really focusing on the transition that is inviting them… not whether you came over on Easter last year. This phase, for me is about reflection and centering. I prefer to handle this phase alone… unless Ben & Jerry’s count.
Grounding and creating an even keel – My husband calls this the calloused bitch phase. But being energetically sensitive, it is really hard for me to share intimate space with all those people who are also grieving, especially, on the day of the service… and hug them… yikes! So in order to not succumb to being an empath in the middle of all this feeling, I seal myself. I zip up an energetic coat around myself and center and ground. If I didn’t do this, I would be a mess… I generally reserve that for later in the process.
Review and Accept – Now it’s time for my own processing of everything that has happened. My preference is to mourn in repose and do so in my own time. I don’t want to feel the energy and emotion of anyone but myself during this period. When my dad passed, I stayed home and felt his presence and all of the emotions flooding through me. I didn’t want anyone to hold me or stroke my hair and tell me it would be ok. I wanted to feel the loss and deal with the cellular pain that my soul was experiencing. I also take this opportunity to remind myself of the memories and immerse myself in them.
This stage comes with messy tears, anger, resentment, pain and tons of other feelings and they are all perfectly imperfect… snotty noses and tear streaked faces are badges of honor in this phase … embrace them.
Gratitude – Now that I can smile when I think of my dad and my grandfather… even giggle… my grandfather was something…. What that could be is impossible to articulate. He was a prankster who used to hide rubber worms in drawers and tell me they were babies from Frisbee his pet snake. He was a provider and protector and always imposed his opinion whether anyone wanted to hear it or not… Ok… he enabled me to hone my argument construction and execution skills from a very early age.
This perspective of gratitude allows me to completely integrate the lessons and love that my loved ones have provided to me. The moments in which I feel the most gratitude has been seeing my sons embody the best qualities of my dad and grandfather. This is the true legacy we leave.
My friends all have differing approaches to dealing with grief and I cannot impress enough that there is no right way. Whatever path feels right for you is! The key is not to be consumed by anything other than gratitude. It is a skill to identify the silver lining in some situations, but I promise it exists.
As I sat with my grandfather, in his final hours, the hospice nurse came in to explain to me that patients often speak to people who aren’t there… I looked at her with sadness that she didn’t know… they are there. I call it circling the wagons. This was the first time I have ever been acutely aware of this experience and the deep impact it had on me. I have never felt this intensity of spirit. I have talked to dead people for my entire life, but in that moment, with my dying grandfather, I felt peace expand within me and encompass my grandfather. His parents were there, his children and grand-daughter all came; so did his friends and others I had heard so much about… some I didn’t know, but others were so familiar… This escort ensured him, as did I, it was okay to go and we would be fine. As a promise to him, I am fine. I am also so blessed that I continue to feel his presence. Thank you, for this beautiful connection with spirit I enjoy.
Our loved ones leave us in flesh, but the mark that remains on the soul is indelible. Revel in the gift that is love. Miss them with full feeling. Be completely grateful.
