It’s important to have realistic expectations of others rather than just seeing the best in them, as many loving, empathic people tend to do. Idealizing someone or ignoring their limitations is a setup for disappointment. We are all on equal ground. No one is better or less than you. When anyone tells you a fact about themselves such as, “I’m not the most giving person,” you must believe them.
My patient Jean, a smart, sensitive advertising executive, met a man who swept her away. “He’s so brilliant, affectionate, and fun,” she said. He also told her (which she didn’t believe) that he was extremely independent and wasn’t looking for a committed relationship. This man never deviated from his clear message— but it wasn’t what Jean wanted to hear. She thought, If I’m patient, our love will change his mind. Alas, it did not. Inevitably, Jean was painfully let down and felt bitter and resentful for a long time.
Making someone into who you want them to be can lead to heartbreak and disappointment. It’s like going into a hardware store filled with shelves of cold functional equipment and expecting to get a luscious warm croissant and fresh coffee. It’s not going to happen. Still, Jean was hurt and angry; she blamed him for her misery. Months passed before she was able to accept and even empathize with herself for misreading the situation. She admitted how honest he’d been. It was a painful but useful lesson of accepting what is.
Don’t let unrealistic expectations set you up for a similar scenario. I understand how much we may want love or success, how we may ignore the red flags that are evident from the start of a relationship or a passion project. So stay clear and strong. Train yourself to see people and situations accurately.
Take this reality check quiz from my book The Genius of Empathy
Reality Check Quiz
For any new or ongoing relationships, ask yourself:
- Am I seeing the whole person, their positive and negative traits?
- Am I prone to fantasizing and magical thinking?
- Do I believe what people tell me about themselves, or do I make excuses for them?
- Are my expectations realistic?
- Do I acknowledge any warning signs?
Compassionately evaluate your answers to determine where you stand with seeing others clearly. If you answered no to one or more questions, keep watching for how you can better align your expectations with reality.
Don’t keep giving your love and loyalty to people who can’t return it. Also be careful of expecting more from others than they can give. One definition of insanity is when you keep returning to the same situation but expect different results. Sometimes having empathy means accepting that someone is doing their best (though it might not be great) and subsequently lowering your expectations. This helps you have realistic relationships with more empathy and acceptance for what others can give, even if it is not what you were hoping for.
Adapted from The Genius of Empathy (foreword by the Dalai Lama) by Judith Orloff, MD.
