Would it shock you to learn that Paul and I have none of the teenage drama in our household experienced by most parents, even though we have two teenagers?
“What?? How is this possible??”
If you’re thinking we’re just lucky, or that it was incidental, let me assure, it wasn’t. Teenage rebellion is the predictable result of a very predictable pattern, and in this article, I’m going to show you that pattern.
Before my husband, Paul, and I had our first child, Jake, I read every parenting book I could get my hands on. I was so sure I had it all figured out. I remember judging the people I knew who had kids, while thinking to myself, “Well, I’m not going to do it like that. That is a hot mess right there!”
Then Jake was born, and clearly, Jake hadn’t read the books. Jake wasn’t behaving the way the books said he would.
Any parent can relate to feeling lost, overwhelmed, and frustrated about raising your kids. Even reading one hundred parenting books doesn’t prepare you for the reality of being a parent.
It feels so hard sometimes, because we have the best of intentions. We want to enjoy our kids, and help them grow into responsible, well-adjusted adults who can confidently navigate life.
The problem is, when we run to the end of our parenting skill sets and don’t know what else to do, we turn to the one thing we have that they don’t: Leverage.
We’re the parent, so we have the power. We’re bigger than them, it’s our house, and we make the money. We feed them, clothe them, teach them, drive them around, pay for their toys, and all we want is for them to listen to us, be happy, and feel safe talking to us about anything. Again, it’s all done with the best of intentions!
If using our leverage to “get them to” do what we want doesn’t work, or we were raised in an environment where that’s how we were parented and we hated it, we try going to the opposite end of the spectrum and let our children have all the power over us.
We don’t love that, either, but we think the only alternative is to steamroll them, the way we were steamrolled, and we’re sure not going to do that to our kids.
These two methods of parenting are not the only options available to you. Before I reveal your third option–the one Paul and I use, that does not result in teenage rebellion–let me show you more about why these ways of parenting we’re all used to aren’t working.
What is Demand Parenting?
There’s a relationship dynamic Paul and I teach our students called Demand Relationship®. It’s defined as requiring other people to change, please you, and make you more comfortable before you can be happy.
Inside Demand Relationship there are two roles. One is the power player, who uses things like control, guilt, and shaming to try and get their way. The other role is the non-power player, who resorts to people-pleasing, submission, and forms of guilt, manipulation, convincing, and other tactics to try and get their way. The non-power player thinks, “If I do what my partner wants this time, they’ll do what I want next time.”
The problem with both of these roles is that one person always feels like they’re losing, and guess what? No one wants to feel like they’re always losing, including your kids!
Using Demand Relationship in your relationship with your kids is what Paul and I call Demand Parenting. What’s been modeled to us forever, in the history of parents and children, is different levels of Demand Parenting, where children do or say as they’re told, or there’s consequences.
To be clear, I’m not saying there shouldn’t be consequences. I’m saying that historically, the way we’ve structured those consequences has come from a place of Demand Parenting. When a child grows up in a Demand Parenting environment (which you may have as a child), there are only two possible outcomes, because Demand Relationship, whether it’s with your partner or with your kids, only works when one person is not free to leave. When both people are free to leave, it all falls apart.
Result #1: They leave.
When both people are free to leave a relationship, the person who’s assumed the non-power player role–which kids usually have–hits threshold. They decide anything is better than living this life of being controlled, even if it means facing the fear and discomfort around leaving.
If your child feels like the non-power player, then the minute that child becomes bigger than you, financially independent from you, or no longer needs to live in your house, what happens? They can’t get out fast enough, and in some cases, they may want nothing to do with you.
If your child feels like they have to flee from you, it’s not really a relationship you had with them. What you had was an arrangement based on your own leverage, and just like anyone who feels oppressed, as soon as your child can get away, they do.
Result #2: They become a pleaser.
Let’s say your child doesn’t flee, and instead, you condition them to conform. You “win” and they become the non-power player who pleases you.
The first possible outcome of you “winning” by conditioning them to be a non-power player is that when they leave your home, they seek out a new power player to control them, and this power player may not have their best interests at heart.
The second possible outcome is that they simply learn how to navigate you. They figure out ways to make you happy, and make you think they’re doing what you want. But as soon as they’re out of your sight, they do whatever they want, which means all you’ve taught them is how to navigate and con you, and they’re pretty good at it.
We resort to Demand Parenting in an attempt to instill values and protect our kids, but what we’ve accidentally taught them to do is lie and manipulate.
That’s why, when children become teenagers and they’re ready to experience more of their own power, but they’ve grown up in that box of being the non-power player, you get teenage rebellion.
Isn’t there another way?
Fortunately, Demand Parenting is not the only parenting option available to you! Paul and I use–and teach–Relationship Development® Parenting.
Relationship Development is our proven methodology for not only creating Unshakeable Love and Unleashed Passion™ in your love relationship, but you can apply our tools and strategies to parenting and create a peaceful, harmonious, safe household for you, your partner, and your kids, just like we have, and just like we’ve helped thousands of our students do in their households.
If you’re interested in learning more about Relationship Development Parenting, check out our 14-Day Boost program, where Paul and I teach you tools and strategies around how to reduce kerfuffles and improve relationships in your household, including with your kids.
