I’m going to say it straight – life doesn’t need to feel so difficult. Despite what you might think, you don’t need to buy joy with suffering. This concept isn’t revolutionary – although sometimes it can feel that way. Have you ever found yourself in a happy place – things were going well, you had more money, more happiness or more love than you thought you could (maybe than you thought you deserved) and then *boom* something suddenly shifts you into struggle mode? Maybe you have a petty (or not so petty) fight with your significant other. Or maybe you spend that extra money frivolously and find your bank account right back where it started.
This phenomenon is created by your old feelings, beliefs and patterns popping up. It might sound like: you don’t deserve to be happy or it’s too good, something bad must be about to happen. Sometimes, however subconsciously, you may find yourself looking for trouble or conflict just because you believe it’s inevitable. This is real. But, these limits on happiness are learned and can be unlearned. You must be open to shifting your perspective.
I still fall victim to this phenomenon sometimes. In fact, just the other day, I was having an awesome day. It was Saturday after a super productive week. After tie-dying and a lovely walk with my daughter that morning, I parked myself on the porch with a book. The sun was shining, the humidity was low and a gentle breeze blew just enough to keep me cool, but not enough to ruffle the pages of my beach read. I sat, book open in lap, and I had two thoughts in quick succession. I thought “I’m happy. In this moment, I couldn’t be happier.” This was followed almost immediately by “I can’t be THAT happy. I’ve still got this a book to write. And oh yeah, that school change for my daughter is looming. And what about that argument I had yesterday.” In less time than a breath, I’d managed to arrest my happiness by being afraid that the other shoe would drop and identifying all the potential shoes. The good news: I spotted the issue right away. And in spotting it, I was able to stop it and turn it around, using the technique I describe below.
This technique has been built on decades of experience. I’m a professional what-if-er. If there were an award or degree, I’d have it. When I was younger, I dealt with anticipated discomfort by evaluating all the worst-case scenarios and figuring out if and how I could manage them. Sometimes I’d become absorbed in the worst-case scenarios to the point of upset. My what-if-ing ranged from the mundane –the test I was going to fail, the first date that was going to be terrible, – to the life changing – the college I wasn’t getting into, or the job interview that was going to be a total disaster. My relatively level-headed mother would routinely cut me off during my spin out by saying “Becky, stop borrowing trouble.” What she meant was, stop spending emotional energy on a negative outcome that you aren’t even sure is going to happen.
“Stop borrowing trouble” makes so much sense to me now. It’s only logical that you wouldn’t want to spend energy on an outcome you don’t want. What a waste. Our energy is precious. I’ve even taken this reset one step further.
I not only try to avoid borrowing trouble, I find ways to borrow joy instead. Rather than just refrain from spending energy on a not-yet-arrived negative outcome, I have recognized that if I’m going to play the what-if game – which seems unavoidable for me – I would rather spend my mental and emotional energy thinking, what if it all turns out great? and more importantly, how will it feel when it does? As with all shifts in behavior and mindset, it’s about progress not perfection. Sometimes I still find myself going down the rabbit hole asking: What if I fail miserably? The good news is that now I more easily catch myself and add What if I succeed? to the mental conversation.
Here are some prompts you can use any time your mind hops on the what-if train:
Name It: What are the what-ifs in my current situation?
This list can be short or long. If making the list seems likely to spin you into a negative what-if spiral, consider limiting yourself to three to five at a time.
Review: Identify any what-ifs that constitute borrowing trouble.
If it isn’t certain (or quickly made certain) and it’s negative, it’s borrowing trouble. When I do this exercise, pretty much all of my what-ifs fit this category – it’s okay if yours do, too.
Reframe: Take the first borrowing trouble what-if on your list and borrow joy instead.
Re-write that what-if from one of concern, fear, guilt or anxiety to one that is positive. Really sit with that positive what-if. Breathe it in. Consider what it will feel like if the positive what-if actually happens. Think about it so much you start to feel it. Allow it to become as much part of you as the original negative what-if. Allow yourself some positive daydreams. You will know you’ve succeeded when you start to smile at your own thoughts.
The more you practice this exercise, the more easily you can catch yourself before starting down the what-if spiral. Next time you start to think what if I fail? make sure you remember to also ask yourself what if I succeed? Give at least equal airtime – energetically, conversationally, mentally – to both. In a perfect world, you will turn your full focus to thinking about what happens when it all works out just the way it was meant to.
Excerpted and adapted from the book The Happiness Recipe: A Powerful Guide to Living What Matters. Copyright © 2021 by Rebecca Morrison
