I have spent years building a number of successful businesses. I was seeking happiness and fulfillment just to find out that it wasn’t where happiness resides.
Most recently, I have endeavored into the world of online business coaching and personal development. This path required a lot of inner work. Some of that work was easy flowing and spirit-driven and some of it provided a gut-wrenching view inside of myself, my beliefs and my patterns.
As I learned to identify and shift these patterns and beliefs that were no longer serving the me I was becoming, my mentors told me the changes I was creating in my own world were going to make those around me uncomfortable. I heard them, but I always dismissed the warning. My husband is really accepting of my work and my kids are aligned with my work, too.
It was exactly right… until I wasn’t.
And it all came flooding into my awareness in one soul crushing day. Maybe all the work I had done was going to cost me my marriage and my relationship with my kids.
My kids had been exhibiting more and more rebellious teenage behaviors, but I felt the situation was nothing I couldn’t handle. Or so I thought. Until the day I heard my older son talking about me to one of his friends. He made it sound like he couldn’t stand me and didn’t want me to be a part of his life but was doing what was necessary so I would continue buying him what he wanted.
In that moment, I was overcome by countless emotions.
I always made my children my priority and gave selflessly for them. You know, the normal mother martyr. And this is how he appreciates me? I was crushed, outraged, broken and I showed him all of these emotions.
Because spiritual leaders don’t stuff emotions back down… we emote!
All of the tools and skills I had as a coach and transformational leader were washed from my conscious mind by the deluge of tears that I let flow. Turns out, this was not the best approach with my teenage son. He looked at me with sheer discomfort, turned up to max volume. I had felt him asserting his independence for a while, but my display drove an almost insurmountable wedge between us. He wanted nothing to do with, what he considered was my unstable expression of emotion.
This interaction with my son, triggered a volatile response from my husband, as well. He not so gently pointed out that I am different, now. And he, nor my sons asked for these changes, so I was the one who was going to have to deal with the fall out. And that he wasn’t sure if he could stay with all of this going on. Well, SHIT! I was not going to compromise my integrity… this is the platform I stood on and taught others to embrace and claim as their birthright. I could do nothing less.
How could this be happening to me, as I built the business of my dreams, to be of service to spiritual women around the world? How could my loved ones be attacking the improvements and development I have undergone? How could my marriage be this fragile? This is not who I was, or what I had crafted my life to be but here I was, feeling utter loneliness and despair. I honestly, could not recall another time I had been this sad, not even when I went through a divorce from my first husband. Maybe that played a role in my disappointment with the current situation. I thought I was smarter and made better choices now… could I be that wrong?
After what seemed like weeks of feeling alone, I was able to calmly articulate my pain and fear to my family. They do not understand the path I am on, but now they appreciate that I am improving myself out of desire to improve their lives too. They admitted that they feel like they don’t know me anymore. This is so often true because, we don’t even know ourselves.
We have created a persona that we may or may not really know and want to be. Asserting that you want to be one thing and feeling misaligned with that, is not fair to yourself or your loved ones who think they know the persona you have created, but have no idea who you really are.
Change is not always comfortable, but it doesn’t have to destroy your life, marriage or relationships either. I was caught up in what I considered making a better life for myself and my family. They were watching me change and feeling left behind, especially my husband, who said that I probably wouldn’t need him anymore.
Embrace the you that has always been there and introduce her to yourself and your loved ones.
