Are you a perfectionist? Do you have a friend who’s a perfectionist?
Maybe you know someone who has to have everything perfect inside her home.Â
Maybe you have a co-worker who drags her portion of a project because it has to be perfect.Â
Maybe you know someone who polishes the exterior of her life over and over again because if she can make it look perfect on the outside, maybe it will feel perfect on the inside.Â
Perfectionism seduces you into a life of ho-hum mediocrity, stunting your creative spirit. Perfectionism lulls you into a coma of the gray sameness of everyone else. Perfectionism lures you into the myth of If everything is perfect…then things won’t go South…he won’t leave…the children won’t be a problem at school…I won’t lose my job…we won’t lose the house…
When you cave into the illusion of perfectionism, you end up flat-lining your life into something that’s bland, tasteless and missing the extra special sauce. You’ve fooled yourself into thinking you can control nearly every aspect of your life by convincing yourself that you have the perfect life — the perfect spouse, the perfect kids, the perfect job, the perfect house, the perfect dog, the perfect everything. How ecstatically happy does that make you feel inside?
Guess what? Life is messy. And it doesn’t always go the way you planned it. Life, you see, has a hard time staying within your lines. Life loves the doodle. Life embraces the beginner’s mind.
“Allow yourself to be a beginner… no one starts out excellent.” -Unknown
I’m a recovering perfectionist. I had one of those carefully-crafted lives. I thought I had to have the perfect marriage. I thought I had to have the perfect kids (well… I’m still partial to my kids.) I thought I had to have the perfect job. I thought I had to have the perfect everything. Only my marriage was imploding from the inside out, my kids were teenagers (hardly perfect!) and my company went bust when the tech bubble exploded. My life, in nearly every aspect, threw up all over me.
My first husband left me for another woman, my kids became aliens, I lost my job and five months after my divorce was final, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I was 40 years old. I was as far away from the perfect life I thought I had to have as I could be without sliding off the edge of the Universe. Wait. I did slide off the edge of the Universe, and while that made all the difference in my life, I don’t believe you need to slide off the edge of the Universe in order to end your affair with perfectionism.
Instead of putting all those carefully-crafted pieces back together, I decided to live my mess. I decided to embrace all that was wrong and right and messy and cool and weird and wonderful. I took it all in. When I made peace with the pieces that didn’t quite fit, those pieces that I kept trying to shove into spaces where they didn’t belong, my life became lighter and freer. The sky became bluer. The grass became greener. I became less stressed and less of a control freak as I embraced the wholesome mess my life truly was (and is). When I chose to live with my mess, I made the conscious choice to have a beginner’s mind.
Perfectionism hates the beginner’s mind. It demands that you be excellent without even practicing. It stops you from doing what you want to do. Perfectionism, in its perfectly-starched white shirt, black pleated skirt and perfectly coiffed hair, stirs up your fears.
The fear of being made fun of.
The fear of disapproval from others.
The fear of criticism.
The fear of being rejected.
Look that fear in the face and ask it “so what?” Watch the fear shrink. It has no comeback line. Even if you are made fun of, disapproved of, criticized or rejected by others, at least you are doing something to reclaim the life you were born to live. Never mind the naysayers and the Negative Nellies, because they are trapped in the same love-hate relationship with perfectionism as you once were.
Go on with your fabulous self, start today with a beginner’s mind, and end your affair with perfectionism. Watch and see what awesomeness happens!
****Please Note: This article first appeared in Huffington Post in February 2014*****
I am not a perfectionist, better done than perfect is my motto. Since I have anxiety it has been a journey to letting go of what does not serve me, and perfectionism is something to go in the energy bin for me.
Progress not perfection! Love it Llinos! <3
“letting go of what does not serve me”
that is some good stuff right there!!!
This is soooo good: “I decided to live my mess. I decided to
embrace all that was wrong and right and messy and cool and weird and
wonderful. I took it all in. When I made peace with the pieces that
didn’t quite fit, those pieces that I kept trying to shove into spaces
where they didn’t belong, my life became lighter and freer. The sky
became bluer. The grass became greener. I became less stressed and less
of a control freak as I embraced the wholesome mess my life truly was
(and is). When I chose to live with my mess, I made the conscious choice
to have a beginner’s mind.”
I am saving this. Thank you!
Save away DB!! I’m so glad it helps! xxxxooo
Peggy, I love your statement about making peace with the pieces. This is a beautiful way to think about life’s complexity and the futility of perfectionism!
Thank you so much Chara! xxxooo
I love everything you write! I’m so glad you decided to live your mess and embrace it with a full heart. You are an inspiration.
Magnificently messy…that’s me 🙂 Thank you Shelley xxxooo
I am slowly learning how to live my mess. My perfectionist side is really bad about telling me I am not good enough and when I don’t do something perfectly the self sabotage sets in and then I feel like I take 100 steps backwards.
Sonya – one of the things I learned to do with my Inner Critic was suffering severe perfectionitis was to acknowledge her and find out what was really going on. Most of the time she didn’t want to be made fun of or seen as a fool. So I tell her that it’s okay…it’s an experiment. Or a first draft 🙂
Love this Peggy! Wow you are amazing traveling the world and still churning out great stuff! Hugs
Awww…thanks Debra!! xxxooo
You made so many great points about the dangers of perfectionism, Peggy!
I am also a recovering perfectionism and one of my mantras is a quote from Voltaire, “Never let the perfect be the enemy of the good.”
I’ve learned I would rather get something good done, and then course-correct until it was the best it could be rather than waiting until I felt it was perfect (which would be never!).
I love the Voltaire quote Stacey! I make a lot of course corrections, too 🙂 Thanks for stopping by today!
The carefully crafted life – ahhhh, so many fall into that trap. I think we’ve all done it Peggy! It’s when you take it too seriously and get trapped in the illusion. As you say, life is a mess and you lived it, loved it and came out a sacred bad-ass warrior and I applaud you!
Thank you Debra! Messy is a good place to be 🙂
While you’ve released the need to be perfect, you’ve written another “perfectly fabulous” article, Peggy! You have such a magnetizing writing style, I love every post you write! Thanks for another great share!
Thank you SO much Sheila! xxxoo
Peggy… I am a recovering “Perfectionist” so this article really rung my bell! After years of inner work I have come to realize that life is perfectly imperfect as it should be and that I am perfectly imperfect as I should be. What a liberating an empowering way to hold space for this magickal ride we call life! Thank you for sharing your touching and intimate story.
Thank you Lisa! Here’s to being perfectly imperfect!!
I love the freedom of the beginner’s mind. it just took me a while to get over craving perfection to get to the grandness of it all.
The infinite possibilities abound in the beginner’s mind! The perfectionist’s mind thinks it’s big and grand, but it’s nothing more than a cage…
I love this Peggy! I am also a recovering perfectionist and this was the perfect balm for starting my day. A great reminder of beginners mind.
Beginners mind is so amazing to see life in all it’s delicious glory! Thank you Alexa! xo
Once again, we are on the same page! Beginner’s mind is where it’s at! XO
Thank you Shann! xxoo
From one ‘recovering perfectionist’ to another, BRAVO, Peggy! Good stuff … sharing the link with my tribe
Thank you so much Maria!
Peggy, Love the peanut butter (we don’t even have in our new house) and can’t wait to get beyond unpacking & cleaning up website (hacked), and then we need to talk. PS Yes, I will always struggle letting go of my F500 professional standards …