I heard it again, “Oh, I can SO relate. I’m a recovering people-pleaser too!” That’s when something inside me cringed for what would be the last time.
Have you ever called yourself a helper, ‘fixer’, or people-pleaser? Maybe someone else has noticed that in you and pointed it out? I am absolutely a people-pleaser. It’s Miss Fix-it, to you! I mean, I’m a double Aquarius, the humanitarian of the zodiac, times 2! I just want a world full of shiny-happy-people!
I know what some of you are saying: I don’t think that means what you think it means! Let me start off with an explanation. To ‘please’, in the dictionary, means to cause to feel happy and satisfied; to give satisfaction; feeling or showing pleasure. I can’t see this as something that’s an issue no matter how hard I try.
Back in 2013 when I dove into a serious self-exploration was when I first recognized it in myself. I’ve always had a calling to help others and make them happy, but it was during this time that I saw just how strong it was. At a time when I was still struggling to truly fall in love with myself, I saw it as a beautiful thing. I wanted to help people, and that’s a quality not that everyone has!
Fast forward a couple years when I began working with coaches and therapists to assist me on my journey. That was the first time I heard my fix-it nature being referred to as such a bad thing. I would hear over and over that I would have so much less stress and anxiety and much more time and joy, if I just stopped trying to please everyone. I didn’t get it at first. I thought it to be a beautiful thing that I wanted to see others smile. I thrive on giving and receiving love and joy and peace. Yet, here they all were, telling me to stop.
After some soul searching, it occurred to me what the problem was. People-pleasing CAN lead to things that can damage the self. It can be putting others first to the detriment of your own well-being. It can lead to a feeling like you’re not doing enough or you’re just not enough, period. People-pleasing can be a vampire at times, sucking time, energy, and even money from us that we should be more mindful of, before giving up so freely.
Though I didn’t see them as taking over my life, I saw these ‘side-effects’, as I call them, in myself occasionally. So, with the encouragement of mentors and all these realizations of what my fix-it mentality could do, I tried everything I could to rid this people-pleasing behavior from the core of my being. Therapy. Coaching. Meditation. Releasing ceremonies under the light of the full moon. EFT-tapping the daylights out of myself. So why didn’t I feel better? Why did this attempt to ‘declutter’ my people-pleasing feel so wrong?
Then, during the process of writing about my story of grief and loss in the International Best Seller, SHINE!, it hit me. I had heard my friend say, “I’m a recovering people-pleaser too!” and I had to stop myself from saying, “Helping people, and wanting to see the world full of happy and joyful, smiling people, is NOT something you should have to recover from!” See, I had just finished writing about loving myself, and here I was still trying to get rid of a part of me that felt so good. I thought, I AM a people-pleaser, a fixer, a helper. I love doing what’s in my power to get people to laugh, smile, and live with more joy. It was in that moment I knew that I didn’t have anything to recover from either. It was in that moment I knew that the world NEEDED people like me, who wanted to see the world at peace and who would do the work required to achieve that!
Are there things that DO need to be worked on and made aware of when you’re a people-pleaser? Absolutely. If you’re going to embrace your inner Miss Fix-it, you’ve got to come to grips with a few things.
- You still have to put yourself first. If you want to help, and fix, and please, you MUST fill your own cup. You can’t pour from an empty one!
- You must learn discernment. The hard reality is that not everyone wants your help, nor is it always the appropriate time to jump in and save the day. Put your listening ears on, ask questions, and use your intuition and best judgment before putting on your cape to help!
- You need to be enough for yourself. As stated in #2, not everyone wants your help. In addition, your help will often go unnoticed or unappreciated. Celebrate all you do for YOU. Love yourself. Appreciate yourself. At the end of the day that HAS to be enough for you! See, we can put our happy-go-lucky vibes out there all day long, but ultimately it’s up to each individual person whether or not they accept those vibes!
What you DON’T need to do is put yourself down or somehow try to rid of a part of you that feels so natural. I heard a popular intuitive recently talking about how we try so hard sometimes to hide or get rid of these very natural, human qualities we have. She described it as being like cutting off one of your limbs and just saying, “Well, this just isn’t part of me.” If we wouldn’t do that with a part of our physical body, why do we try so hard, to the point of exhaustion sometimes, to do that with parts of our soul? If you DO see yourself with some of the ‘side-effects’, reach out to someone!
What I’ve experienced in embracing my people-pleaser super power is living with an ease and joy that I never have before. It’s the beautiful balance of being myself without losing myself!
In a world that’s often crying out for help, I see you people-pleasers! It’s okay for you to want to save the world! But before you put that cape on, just be sure you’re taking care of yourself and doing that inner work, but don’t stop being YOU.
