I have always been a girl’s girl, a woman’s woman. The sticky and permanent glue of any “gal gang.” My mom tells me that, from the time I was born, I only wanted to be with her and my grandmother (Nana). We were the three musketeers—shopping, lunching, loving. In fact, my book Build Your Village is dedicated to them. It reads: “To Nana and Mom… my soft landing, my role models, the loves of my life. We share the same shadow. Within that shadow, you showed me the village.”
We have all heard the famous proverb: “it takes a village.” From the folks you follow on Tik Tok to your next-door neighbor, it seems everyone subscribes to this ideology. However, in most cases, parents use this phrase when describing raising their children.
That word “village” is thrown around quite a bit. I must admit, it frustrates me to NO end when people automatically assume that a village is meant for ONLY people with children. That is simply inaccurate and exclusionary! A village shouldn’t be the reward for only those who decide to parent; a village should be for everyone—no matter how they design their life.
My Nana and my mom were the very first people in my life to show me what it means to love (as a verb!), to be part of something larger than oneself, and to live a life learning how to truly embody and show empathy.
I was born into this beautiful trifecta, but what about the people that are not? How do they “find their people?” And, to expand on that, why is it so important that human beings—especially women—find and embrace connection? And, once it’s found, how do we function within that village? How do we become a valued villager?
In my book Build a Village, there are six villagers that I identify as essential to bringing value to your community. They are:
- Accepting
- Dependable
- Cheerleader
- Communicator
- Organizer
- Healer
Without providing the definitions to these six villagers, I bet you are starting to cast people in your life into those roles automatically! And, yes, that’s whole point—some of these people probably exist in your life already, and where they don’t… that is where the fun begins! It’s the search for those villagers and the self-exploration regarding how YOU can best serve the villages to which you belong.
But let’s zoom out for a minute and look at what all six of these villagers have in common. When cooking up this recipe for a village, there is one main ingredient: love.
Learning how to love, how to be loved, and how to express love seems like a lifelong journey. And it should be! Love is as unique as a snowflake—intricate, majestic, customized, and delicate. Love should know no bounds. Love is a style, a lovestyle, in fact.
When the global COVID-19 lockdowns led to isolation from our loved ones, I had a realization: our villages raise us well beyond our childhoods. In fact, they are the critical touchstones of our lives. They’re our North Star.
Life happens in seasons, as they say. It’s also said that people come into our lives for a reason, that there is always a purpose or a lesson attached to the impact of that individual. In some way, shape, or form, love is laced within these relationships. It may look and feel different depending on the person’s purpose in your orbit, but it’s still a form of living and active love.
The healer village, whom I describe as “the one who makes you feel better,” is a wonderful example of love in action. Let’s look at how you can embrace the skills of this villager and start living your “lovestyle” by supporting others:
- Comforting Gift: It need not be expensive! Simply something that you believe might bring your fellow villager a smile, relief, or make them feel remembered is a gift. For example, when you find out someone in your community has passed away, you can develop (or participate in) a meal train to alleviate the stress of food preparation, while the family of the loved one grieves and heals.
- A Patient Ear: It is difficult to not want to just swoop in and solve people’s problems. It’s painful to watch those you love suffer in any way—big or small. However, sometimes your role isn’t to solve anything. Your role is simple but very powerful—to listen and walk with them through the moment.
- A Hand to Hold: If a friend is going through a hard time, perhaps you can do some research for them to find supportive, accredited resources. When life gets heavy, even small tasks can be overwhelming. Providing this due diligence could bring a sense of peace to them when there isn’t much of that available to them.
Your lovestyle should be ever evolving: active, alive, and forever growing with you. It’s a living and breathing organism! It should rise up to meet you and the village in real time and cradle us as we become who we are becoming.
