You’ve probably heard that it is important to establish “clear boundaries” to avoid conflict. Ironically, when thinking about boundaries, we often picture a fence or walls, something rigged to keep someone at bay. But a good boundary doesn’t keep people out. It lets people in by making it clear to others how you expect to be treated. Successful boundaries offer respect to both sides.
Many co-parents have told me that they try to establish boundaries with the other co-parent, but those boundaries are rarely honored. The reason may be that neither co-parent knows what a boundary really is. When I asked my client, Brittani, why she felt her ex was not adhering to her boundary, she said, “Because he won’t listen to me! He does whatever he wants!” But a boundary is not a behavior required from someone else. A boundary outlines how you will act. Boundaries become blurred when we renege on our own desires. How? One way is by saying yes when you mean no. “I feel like a bad person if I say no.” Or “They make me feel like a bad person if I say no.”
That’s when boundaries get blurry — and then people aren’t sure how to treat you. You’ve lowered your own boundary bar to make someone else happy or possibly avoid conflict. But it doesn’t always work. In fact, it can make things worse.
“I’ve been a people pleaser all my life,” another client told me. “And, when I feel as if I am making someone angry, I can feel myself wavering. I’ve told them not to treat me a certain way, but I let it slide so they will still like me. I’ll do anything to make sure someone likes me, even if I don’t like them.”
This is common behavior for estranged co-parents, and they don’t only act like this with their co-parent, they do it with their children as well. After a break-up, parents are often deeply afraid that their children will like the other parent more. So they stop disciplining, or they simply don’t stick to their guns. That’s when your kids push their limits or play one parent against the other. Your boundaries aren’t clear. Anything is acceptable — or is it?
Even though you are no longer together, you and your co-parent are a team. Consider your child
the team mascot. Your child represents the love and devotion you both have for them — even if you were never officially a couple. Respecting each other’s boundaries is a way to demonstrate your mutual love for your child and exhibits respect in real time.
Let’s look at 4 effective ways to establish boundaries with a co-parent—and make those boundaries stick.
1. Remember, a boundary is how you will act in each situation, not what you expect from others. So be clear in what your behavior will be should your boundary be disrespected.
For example: “I will not wait for you for more than 15 minutes at our exchange location. Later than that, please pick our child up at my home.” Your boundary is not an ultimatum in reaction to your co-parent’s tardiness, but what you will do if you must wait at an exchange for longer than 15 minutes. Rather than be angry that your co-parent is not punctual, simply outline your behavior. Then it is up to your co-parent to adjust their own behavior.
2. When you are both calm, that’s the time to discuss the boundaries you want to put in place. The worst time to establish a boundary is in retaliation for something that was said or because you disagree with the way you have been treated. Boundaries are put in place to prevent angry exchanges. In other words, it’s not “Don’t talk to me like that!” It’s “We agreed we would both talk to each other respectfully. Now let’s put our heads together and figure this out for our child.”
3. Approach a boundary discussion with your co-parent from the position of what you want, need, and expect — not what you don’t want from them.
For example, “You never text me back!” becomes “Please text me back within 24 hours.” Or, even, “It would be helpful if you returned my text within 24 hours.
4. Lead by example. This means if your co-parent has established a boundary, respect it. Mutual respect lays the groundwork for successful ongoing communication, an important component for effective co-parenting.
Boundaries are put in place to assist you in your ability to co-parent together. When you understand and respect the parameters you both put into place, you will become the parents and co-parents — and role models — your children deserve.
