When relationships end, we are left with the remnants of the relationship, from shared furniture to exchanged gifts to photos. Because our energy was so interweaved with the other’s energy, getting rid of those items can feel like a ripping of one’s soul. That’s because it is. The energy field between two people, particularly in long-term relationships, takes time to unwind. Of course, this also makes it that much more imperative that items related to that past relationship be let go, when the time is right, in order to move on.
People seeking a relationship often question why they haven’t attracted a partner. In most cases, it’s because there hasn’t been a proper letting go of a former relationship. There is only so much space in our heart, our emotions, our energy field, and our home. If there is lingering energy from a previous relationship, it will prevent a new one from coming in.
In cases where there is a quick turn-around in relationships, or perhaps even an overlap, the new relationship will be of the same vibration as the former one. In other words, it will be virtually the same person with the same issues replaying themselves like a recording.
One of the best ways to clear out past relationships is to clear out items related to them. Leftover items with a strong reminder of the previous relationship are physical manifestations of the underlying energy of the relationship. As you let go of the items, you let go of aspects of the relationship until nothing is left between you. This is scary for most people and something they’re not willing to do. There is a fear of completely letting someone go, especially someone who loved and adored you. This is especially true if there’s lingering hope of that person coming back. However, a clean slate will provide a space for someone even better to come in.
Committed relationships are a tall order—we’re asked to merge our energy, our resources, and our lives together for the best chances of success. And then if things don’t work out, we’re forced to untangle the energy and become independent, sovereign beings charting off onto a new course. This is a fearful predicament leaving many with one foot in and one foot out of relationships in an attempt to preserve their individuality or avoid complete abandonment by the other person. Unfortunately, the lack of commitment often leads to the actual thing one is trying to avoid.
The degree to which the couple’s possessions are merged is the same proportion to which their energies have merged. For example, are the books integrated on the bookshelf, or does each person have their own bookshelf? Neither is right or wrong. It depends on the preferences of the couple. One approach is to have a balance of merged spaces and individualized spaces. This represents each person maintaining their individual expression with the relationship being the third entity.
When a relationship ends, it can be difficult to know what to do with shared items and those related to the relationship in some way, whether functional or sentimental. For some couples, the physical items are not important, whereas for others they become bargaining chips for unresolved angst toward one another. Even after the co-owned items have been divvyed out or sold, it can take years to sift through the emotions held by leftover items from the relationship.
Even in relationships where there was harmonious agreement over items, the individual exploration of whether to hold on to certain items is a process that can linger for years. This is part of the healing process of fully letting go of the relationship in some way. The reluctance to let go may not always be about the other person per se, but about letting go of some aspect that the relationship represented.
Inherent to grieving a relationship is grieving the former identity one held while in the relationship. Our identity in a relationship can come in the form of social opportunities, cultural acceptance, family relations, hobbies, and even in changing our name. When the relationship ends, we are left wondering who we are. Who am I without this other person, without a partner, without my other half?
Formulating a new sense of self, or identity, is not an overnight process and is perhaps part of the hero’s journey of finding one’s true Self as separate from another person. To avoid this trepid exploration, some people may opt for a replacement as soon as possible to not feel the loss of identity. This is commonly referred to as a rebound relationship and used to soften the landing. This usually leads to the same patterns of the former relationship, the success of which will depend on the level of self-inquiry and healing that has taken place.
After a breakup or divorce, if one of the parties remains in the shared home, it will be much harder for that person to move on. Spaces hold patterns and memories of everything that has happened there. To create a new life in the same space is not impossible, but it is challenging. The person more resistant to change, particularly as it relates to the ending of the relationship, will oftentimes end up staying in the home. However, if financially feasible, it would be ideal if both parties moved to a new home in order to move forward and start fresh.
The number of physical items that result from a dissolved relationship varies depending on the length of the relationship. For example, couples that cohabitated have more merged belongings to sort out than those with a casual dating experience. In either case, there are memories, hopes, and disappointments that have to be cleared, which are all memorialized by items, from silverware to Instagram photos.
©2018 Tisha Morris. Excerpt from Clutter Intervention: How Your Stuff Is Keeping You Stuck. Llewellyn Publications
