“Mom, I’m sooooooo bored.”
If you have kids that can talk then I’m willing to bet that you’ve heard this recently. As a mom of three myself, I know I have!
Whenever there’s an abundance of free time, whether it’s summer, or winter break, or times of social distancing, parents tell me that it feels like such a big task to keep their kids busy and entertained all the time and I get it.
There’s a lot of pressure on what we should be doing and the activities we should be signing them up for. There are so many opportunities available these days, including endless online classes and camps, and we don’t want our kids to miss out or fall behind. We want the best for them! We want them to be happy!
And if the day starts with our kids asking, “What are we going to do today?” We wonder what more we can do.
But here’s the thing. Sometimes, less is more.
Rather than always trying to provide excitement and activity, which creates high expectations, what about the value in the simple pleasures of an ordinary day? It’s easy to get caught up in tasks and activities but we don’t have to let how busy we are become a measure of our worth – or our kids’ success.
What if, when your kids ask what you’re doing for the day, they’re just wondering if they’ll have time to get out all their toys and play or if you’re going to ask them to clean up and get ready to do something. What if their question comes from curiosity not expectation?
The Risks of Too Much.
We all know that too much of anything can lead to problems. So, of course, too much free time with no supervision can be dangerous. Kids who are looking for excitement might engage in reckless or risky behavior.
On the flipside, too many activities and overscheduling our kids can also lead to trouble. Usually in less obvious or immediate ways.
When parents fill all their child’s spare time, not only can it keep kids from discovering what truly interests them, but too many structured activities create a reliance on outer stimulation and instant gratification. With this comes the potential risk to plant the seeds of addiction – an increasing and compulsive tendency to avoid pain or boredom with outer stimulation – rather than inner development.
Without downtime, kids miss the opportunity to process their experiences. As hard as it is for us as parents, it’s critical for our kids to experience frustration and sit with difficulty so they have the practice of handling it. Then, in the future, when faced with difficult situations they feel capable to figure stuff out and won’t seek to escape into activity as a means of avoidance.
The Benefits of Being Bored
We could all benefit from shifting the focus from what we need to DO and accomplish to just allow ourselves to be. To contemplate life rather than rush through it or check off boxes. To be present and connect with others without having to ‘do’ anything.
For kids, boredom leads to creativity and kids who play alone learn how to solve problems, invent ideas, and strengthen their imaginations. Genuine interests and abilities need time to form and those that are not pushed or hurried are more likely to become life-long hobbies. These benefits are all ingredients for the success and happiness we want for our kids.
What Your Role Is
Your role is to guide them to figure out what they like to do, how they like to use their time, and make it okay to just do nothing. YOU don’t have to keep them busy!!
Be proactive and help them come up with a list of simple things they can do by themselves. The key is to get your kids input about what they might enjoy and what their interests are. This isn’t meant to be a bucket list but small things that kids can do and that don’t involve anybody else. So maybe it’s playing with dolls, drawing with chalk on the patio, or watching clouds.
Narrow the list to include 3-5 things otherwise it can be overwhelming and tough to make a choice. The idea is to have a quick visual that can jog their memory and spark their interest. Whether it’s written or includes pictures, it’s good to put somewhere they can refer back to it.
How to Respond In-The-Moment
Plan to be more boring than boredom. It may take 15-25 minutes before their creativity comes out. If you always think of something great when they’re bored, of course they’ll keep coming to you!
Get curious. Help them explore what they’re thinking and feeling with responses like, “What are you going to do about that?” or “Oh, I see, tell me more.”
Normalize their experience. Let them know you get bored sometimes too. It doesn’t have to be a problem that needs to be fixed or avoided.
Guide them to look at their list. This makes them more self-reliant and encourages them to decide what they need and what makes them happy.
Become Aware of What You’re Silently Teaching
We can all attest to the fact that kids learn more from our actions than our words!So, think about this. Do you have moments when you’re just ‘being’ or are you constantly cleaning, shopping, talking or getting distracted by your phone? If you don’t like the message you’re sending, then decide where in the day you want to add in a moment of just “being” to model downtime to your kids.
Reflect
Finally, it’s okay to go deeper. Our thoughts and beliefs impact our feelings, which influence our actions. So, if we want to make a change or become more intentional about how we are responding to our kids we need to take some time to reflect.
When your kids come to you with their boredom consider what you’re making it mean about you and about them?
If we believe that our kids won’t find something to do on their own, we can become judgmental of our parenting and of our kids. Maybe we’re thinking we’ve somehow failed or that our child is lazy. Then, we respond in ways that lead to frustration and guilt.
Yet, if we believe this is a natural part of childhood and our kids are seeking help, we can become curious. e try to understand what they’re going through and wonder how to guide them forward. Then, our response creates a supportive experience.
When we take the pressure off ourselves, and our kids, and release the ‘shoulds’ we can open up to the idea that boredom isn’t a bad thing. It’s not a sign that we’re not doing enough or a negative reflection of our child. Instead we can view it as a lifelong gift that shows the importance of down-time and balance in daily life.
