At this time in our history, when it’s so easy to get pulled into the polarity of I’m right and you’re wrong, we’re being called to go beyond that to a more supportive, loving and satisfying state.
The 13th century Persian mystic, Rumi said, “Out beyond right and wrong there is a field. I will meet you there. When the soul lies down in that grass, the world is too full to talk about.”
As wise women at the forefront of our collective evolution, we are called to lead us to this promised land.
It begins with looking within. Whether we’ve spent a lifetime living or resisting the “the Good Girl” script we can all get caught up in the either/or split of right or wrong, good or bad. It’s a chronic human fixation, which is particularly damaging for us as women. It fuels our self-judgment, perfectionism and insecurity, all the things, which keep us playing small and living from a fraction of who we truly are. It’s rooted in the fear driven premise: to be good and right is the path to well-being. It harkens back to centuries of cultural and religious programming, which told our mothers, their mothers and their grandmothers, if you are good/right you will receive love, protection, support. And if you’re wrong or bad you will be punished.
While most of us are not consciously living out the belief of this old legacy it still affects us from deep in our subconscious. How can one tell? By the harsh self-judgments and perfectionism of the inner critic who wields her measuring stick of right and wrong, good and bad, worthy or worthless.
Last Spring, I had two events, which brought me to the core of my own right or wrong legacy.
The first was a situation with my 13-year-old, daughter, who was experiencing some very serious challenges. While my husband and I were taking consistent action to provide the needed support, her situation was very painful, messy and public for quite a while. Throughout, I felt a chronic fear and expectation of judgment from the outer world. It corresponded with a corrosive self-judgment that went something like, “I/we/my daughter must have done something really wrong to end up in this kind of a mess. How could anybody see me as anything but a bad mother.” Ouch.
How often do we do this? Go to blame and judgment when life gets messy. And when it comes to our children it’s even more intense. It’s how we hold onto a sense of safety and illusion of control when life feels completely out of our control. It’s an age-old defense we’re being invited to release.
With loving support from trusted soul sisters, I responded to my own fear and self-judgment with a consistent practice. I repeatedly centered in my deep inner Truth, our situation had little to do with any of us doing something right or wrong. But was ultimately our opportunity to come together as a family to heal old wounds.
Living from this truth enabled us to move through the mess and emotional pain with Grace and support rather than getting stuck in blame, judgment and defensiveness. Through the support of my practice and trusted sisters, I held this truth for my husband, daughter and I until we made it through.
Like me, you may well find yourself, at some point in life being called to step into leadership in your marriage or family to bring healing, transformation and greater well-being. It is a common modern-day initiation, which awakens us to our true nature.
However, it’s not without its challenges. Like all initiations we’re always required to dig deep for our inner Truth and heal our own wounds.
My second “right and wrong” lesson last spring, enabled me to do just that.
In that instance someone publicly accused me of wrongdoing. I had taken a stand against abuse towards another woman and I was being accused of wrongdoing in connection. It turned out, I had to be made wrong in order for my accuser to be right.
Given the circumstances, I believed I had so much moral high ground I could stand on. And I did for a while. But it wasn’t satisfying. It was actually corrosive. So ultimately, I took the growth opportunity before me and pulled back enough to resist the temptation to prove I was right and my accuser wrong.
That enabled me to drill deep beneath my anger and shock to layers of shame for not being perfect. I then moved through self-judgment for leaving myself vulnerable to be accused in the first place. And then to the stark vulnerability of being accused publicly. And lastly, to the fear others would see me as wrong/bad.
All this brought deep healing to an age-old fear I was ultimately bad. I felt tremendous freedom and gratitude. In many ways unbelievable, given how I had arrived there.
But that’s how life works.
Always working for our good, Life periodically presents us with messy, provocative challenges we can’t resolve with right or wrong. It’s our call to awaken the deeper resources within and around us. Because to live as the empowered, sovereign creators we were born to be, we must go beyond right and wrong to the inner truth and alignment, which illuminate our true nature and the exquisite support of Life.
We’re able to move beyond right and wrong with the soul medicine of love, forgiveness and compassion, first for ourselves and then for others. Which doesn’t mean we never feel anger or outrage at injustice or abuse, but we hold it within a context of self-love and acceptance. Then we can discern what kind of action or expression we need to take from a place of inner truth and alignment.
But ongoing it’s useful to notice when your mind goes to the right or wrong trap. That’s your invitation to take the time, with support if needed, to dig deeper to the deeper inner Truth.
As we, the wise women of the world take this on in our own lives and families, we lead our collective evolution to shift from the painful polarization we’re living to a more supportive, peaceful and loving state.
