When Alice went through the looking glass, everything was strange: What was small seemed large and what was large seemed small. The rules made no sense. Things were insubstantial. And so it is for many women when they look in the mirror. Small flaws seem huge. Strengths seem small. The rules are always changing. The “in” look is insubstantial. Instead of a beautiful goddess looking back at us, we see the face of anxiety and disapproval in the mirror.
How would you feel about yourself if you had never seen yourself in a mirror? The same or differently? How much time do you spend tending to how you look? If you added up all the hours of shaving, plucking, dyeing/bleaching, curling/straightening, creaming, masking, lining, shadowing, selecting, rouging, dieting, preening, painting, grooming, primping, fussing, trying on, accessorizing, and worrying – how many would that be? How would your life be different if you spent less time on your “looks” and more time looking within? What would happen if you lived from the inside out, instead of from the outside in?
One of my first Zen teachers told me this story. “There was once a woman who wanted to become a Buddhist nun. She went to the monastery to petition for entrance. She sat by the gate and begged all who entered to allow her to enter too. She was ignored. She persisted. For days, weeks, months, she sat beside the gate and begged all who entered to grant her entry. After more than a year, the gate keeper took pity on her. Bending low, the gate keeper whispered: ‘It is no use. They will not admit you for you are beautiful and that is too great an obstacle to your spiritual growth.’ When she heard these words, she immediately got up and left. When she returned, for she did return, though months had passed, the gate keeper was astonished. Her face was badly scarred. She looked at the gate keeper and smiled. ‘I have removed the obstacle,’ she proclaimed.”
I am certainly not suggesting that you hurt yourself in any way; to the contrary. I am suggesting that you stop hurting yourself in the name of beauty, stop stressing yourself in the name of being the perfect mother/mate, stop hating yourself in the name of the idealized being you wish to be.
Instead, I offer the radical proposal that you apply yourself to becoming beautiful on the inside and accept the outside and all its changes. I am suggesting that you accept your body and your face as they are and get on with the important work of being a beautiful soul. Age naturally brings us this grace of looking at ourselves from the inside, but we can practice at any age.
One of my dear friends told me this story of her shamanic training. “In order to overcome our tendency to view ourselves through other’s eyes instead of our own, we were asked to do several practices. One practice was to put our clothing on backwards, and inside out, and then ride somewhere on public transportation. Another was to wear torn, stained clothing to our place of worship. And a third was to go into a public space, like a mall, wearing a silly hat or a clown nose or a fake moustache. Eventually, doing these practices, I understood that others saw me as I saw myself and responded to me as I put myself out and that how I looked has very little to do with my own self-worth.”
There is a Wise Woman Within. She is always with you. She is your true mirror. She speaks the truth. She cuts through. She sees with laser vision. She defines her boundaries. She is filled with compassion. She is the essence of bliss. Let the Wise Woman Within teach you about being .
Journey to the Wise Woman Within
Sit in a quiet place, alone, no phone.
Breathe slowly and fully.
Imagine a large crystal, big enough to enter. Go in and go to the stairs.
Put your hand on the handrail and your foot on the first step.
Be slow and conscious as you tread on each of the thirteen steps. At the end is a beautiful garden.
Find a tree in your garden. Sit beneath it and breathe.
Let yourself sink into the roots of the tree. Let yourself sink into the earth.
Let yourself sink into the past.
Let your primal self emerge.
Find the Wise Woman Within.
The Wise Woman Within is in a cave. She is in an open, wildflower-filled meadow.
She is enormous: the Queen bee, the Queen termite, the Queen of all her realm.
She is passed to you through your motherline.
Recognize the Wise Woman Within.
She is the distillation of all the wisdom of all women who gave birth to you.
She is the vibration of the big bang echoing in you.
She is the original orgasm, the impossible-to-contain pleasure of being.
Reach out your hand to the Wise Woman Within.
Look at her. Look into her eyes.
Touch her. Feel her skin, her contours, her folds, her recesses, her hidden places.
Travel her rises, her swellings, her outgrowths.
Touch hearts and remember.
The Wise Woman Within is always there. You can call upon her whenever you wish.
You may give her a name to help you remember her, or not.
You may give her a gift to help her remember you, or not.
When you are ready to leave, walk back to the stairs and take the stairway back into the immense crystal.
Step out of the crystal.
Stretch. And breathe.
