Are You “Up-leveling” Your Life in a Healthy Way?

Sometimes our motives for wanting to do better and improve ourselves may not be pure or authentic which can then lead to less than positive outcomes.

A few years back I began asking myself how much of my desire for self-improvement — to up-level in both my career and in my personal life was truly about being my best, and how much of it was based in needing to prove something.

When I looked back at my life over the past 24 years, I saw that much of what I valued centered not so much on improvement, but on more. I then took an inventory of how much I was up-leveling in healthy vs. unhealthy ways:

When people are up-leveling in a healthy way they seem to always be moving forward constantly in regards to educating themselves, seeking out how they can learn from others, looking into what’s next for them in regards to their job. And they’re inviting others to move forward with them (in support of – and alongside of — them). They speak about their accomplishments humbly without ego and arrogance. They question others, not in a challenging way, but only to receive clarity. They welcome the unknown and admit when they do not have the answers. They recognize others’ achievements publicly without needing any acknowledgement in return. They have a large network of people encouraging and supporting them in all that they do.

So, you know that your drive to improve, to “up-level,” is healthy when you:

• Are educating yourself, a quest motivated by an intrinsic desire to be knowledgeable, NOT by a need to “make it” faster than someone else
• Invite others to move forward with you
• Speak of your accomplishments with modesty—and without any need for approval and recognition
• Welcome the unknown and admit to not having all of the answers
• Can feel all of your emotions—you know them, can name them—and know they are yours, not someone else’s. Therefore, your desires and intentions are exclusively yours, not others’
• You can separate yourself from criticism directed at you, and maintain self-confidence
• Speak your truth no matter HOW unpopular you may be for it. (And you do NOT speak your mind just for the sake of getting reactions, which is ego-centered.)
• Want to be the best at what you do—without wanting ANY external reward or approval in return — because you know “being one’s best” is the human aspiration.
• Are not competitive with anyone. You get no “high” from besting someone and no “low” from “not making it.”
• Are focused on how you can contribute—not how situations or others can contribute to you.
• Enjoy leisure time in healthy doses.
• Are patient with yourself, others, and circumstances.

When people are up-leveling in an unhealthy way they tend to walk over others in order to make it to the top. They walk with a lack of confidence when they think others aren’t looking or paying attention to them. They are usually aggressive and impatient with others. They look to move forward ONLY based on what others want, and do not recognize their own passions and desires. Their beliefs and values become a carbon copy of their supervisor’s. They are always looking for a pat on the back, and want to ensure that others see the recognition they receive. They commonly move forward alone with no one beside them, and have the need to feel right and/or better than the rest.

So, you know that your drive to “up-level” is UNhealthy when you:

• Aren’t sure which passions are actually yours and which come from others
• Mirror your supervisor’s beliefs, values, and opinions
• Say things you don’t mean and DON’T say things you DO mean in order to “look good” to those who can help you.
• Have a driving need to please—sometimes just to be liked, other times simply just to “get what you want” from someone. You gifting and compliments come with an “agenda.”
• Need consistent approval from others (flipside: crash when you don’t get it, or when you are criticized.)
• Are highly self-critical. Acute perfectionism is in play with everything.
• Judge others by same harsh standards—expecting perfection.
• Can’t relax and enjoy leisure time.
• Want to move forward alone, as opposed to moving ahead with others beside you.
• Challenge others in an aggressive and/or condescending way; needing to be right because being wrong feels extremely threatening
• Do whatever it takes, even harming others, to make it to the top.
• Are fiercely competitive—get upset when anyone bests you.

The ultimate purpose of “up-leveling” in a healthy way is self-actualization. The ultimate purpose of “up-leveling” in an unhealthy way is self-aggrandizement.

How do you move from unhealthy to healthy up-leveling?

I believe that, from the moment I had a glimpse of self-worth. I decided that nothing would stop me from reaching my goals. And when I saw doubt in others’ eyes about me becoming a success – I was off and running to prove them wrong. Quite honestly, even before having that glimpse of self-worth I was still off and running – just in the wrong direction. But the determination was of the same strength – real powerful but, sadly negatively.

Nobody expects you to be a candidate for sainthood, but with close attention to what are positive reactions, as opposed to negative ones, you may gradually find “the sky’s the limit” in your personal healthy up-leveling.