One of the most difficult things is seeing those we love in pain, whether physical or emotional. While physical pain can often be relieved through various modalities, emotional pain often leaves us in a state of dis-ease for quite some time.
Watching our loved ones struggle can feel heartbreaking. Most of us come from a place of love when we step forward to help, but we don’t always understand the most helpful ways to show up, nurture, and support them.
Have you ever considered how best to support someone when they’re struggling?
Most of us feel helpless and want to “fix” others’ pain because we don’t like seeing them suffering. We may also feel uncomfortable because seeing others hurting reminds us of the unresolved pain that’s left unhealed inside of us. Without the proper tools, we frantically use what we know to “make it better,” which is often the opposite of what our loved ones need most.
Here are some important points to consider when supporting those you love through emotional pain and grief:
1. They Don’t Want to Be Fixed
We all want to feel better when we’re hurting, but we don’t want to feel broken as if we need fixing. What we need is to have our experience validated by those around us.
Encourage your loved ones to be emotionally honest about what’s coming up for them.
- “I’m here to listen if you’d like to share how you’re feeling.”
2. Keeping Busy Doesn’t Make Their Pain Go Away
Many of us encourage our loved ones to distract themselves from their pain. While staying busy can feel helpful in the short term, it doesn’t address the pain or provide the deeper healing that’s needed. Include loved ones in your plans, but remind yourself that distraction won’t make the pain disappear—it will remind them they’re loved and supported.
- “Would going to a movie, dinner, or ________ be helpful to you right now?”
3. Replacing a Loss Doesn’t Lessen Their Pain
After a breakup or significant loss, well-meaning people often say things like, “There are other fish in the sea.” While technically true, this kind of statement only deepens the hurt. Healing doesn’t come from replacing what’s lost—it comes from processing and honoring the pain. Without healing, we carry the pain into our future relationships and often repeat old patterns that lead to further hurt.
- “I realize nothing will fix or replace the pain you’re feeling. I want you to know I’m here for you.”
4. It Takes More Than Time to Heal.
One of the least helpful things we can say to someone experiencing emotional pain is “It just takes time.”
Just like time alone doesn’t heal most physical injuries, it also doesn’t heal emotional injuries. What’s most important is the actions we take within time that lead to our healing or our continued suffering.
- “Time alone won’t take away your pain, but I’m here to help you discover tools that can support your healing.”
5. They’ve Learned to Isolate.
One painful experience as a child in pain being told to “go to your room if you’re going to cry” can lead to lifelong suffering. Those individuals learn early in life to hide their pain to avoid judgment or criticism. Over time, this tendency to isolate can prevent us from seeking the connection and support we need to heal.
- “I know you might feel like isolating right now. Is it okay if I just sit with you for a while and then check on you later?
6. They Feel Bad.
Accepting that your loved one feels bad is the first step in helping them feel validated rather than dismissed. While we can’t turn off pain, expressing it creates space for the healing to begin.
- “I can’t imagine how much your heart hurts. I’m here to support you as you grieve and heal.
7. They Can’t Be Strong for Others When They’re Hurting.
Many of us were taught as children to “be strong” for others, but this expectation isn’t realistic. Being “strong” often implies that showing vulnerability is weak, which is far from the truth. Grief is a natural response to any loss or significant change in our lives. Sharing our feelings fosters healing rather than suffering in silence.
- “I know you’re used to being there for others, but right now I encourage you to nurture yourself. You deserve your love and attention.”
You might be wondering…
“What CAN I do when someone I love is hurting?”
Be A Listening Heart
When someone you love is hurting, the most meaningful gift you can offer is to be a listening heart. Hold space without:
- Judgment
- Criticism
- Comparison
- Unsolicited advice
Too often, people hesitate to share their pain because they fear being met with unhelpful comments or advice. When this happens, we tend to shut down, isolate, and push down our pain even further.
Remember to never compare your loved ones’ loss with your own. We are all unique, as are our relationships. Because of this, we cannot truly know how another individual feels, at best, we know how we felt going through similar situations. When we compare someone’s pain to our own or offer statements like “I know how you feel,” we unintentionally diminish their experience. Instead, I encourage you to say:
- “I can’t imagine how you feel, but I’m here to listen and support you.”
It’s hard to see those we love in pain—it can even trigger our own emotional wounds. But each of us walks a unique path while the universe offers support through the people and resources that appear by our side.
By holding space and being a listening heart, we remind others they’re not alone. A simple question like, “How can I best support you right now?” can be a lifeline for someone in pain.
With our loving hearts, we can support those we care about through their darkest moments and help them find their way back to the light.
