Imagine that someone out in the world is walking around with your confidence, but you don’t know who it is. They’ve got it in their pocket and life’s not-so-fun game is that you need to find them and get them to give it to you.
Maybe it’s the person you love or one of your best friends. Maybe it’s the bully who made fun of you, or a complete stranger you meet at a bar after work. Maybe it’s your boss, who has it hidden in their desk drawer and is waiting to present it to you alongside your promotion. Maybe it’s your parents, and they’ve been secretly withholding it from you this whole time.
All you have to do is figure out who has it, like some incessant game of Where’s Waldo. But once you find it, you still have to prove yourself worthy—the right clothes, the right job, the right house, the right marriage, or the right number on the scale—and they’ll hand it over so you can finally feel good about yourself.
Does this sound like a game you’d want to play? Of course not. It’s ridiculous, but so many of us are playing this game and operating as if it’s how confidence works.
Confidence is when you trust yourself, firmly and boldly. And trusting yourself is not a “If you go first, I’ll do it, too,” proposition. There isn’t anyone or anything to prove yourself to, wait for, or find.
True confidence is built internally and involves one person (hint: it’s YOU). We’ve been seeking it from all the wrong sources, especially as women.
Here are four specific strategies for building real confidence, internally. The empowering kind that’s based on trust, isn’t conditional, and can’t be taken away.
- Keep Your Commitments
When you ask anyone who they trust, they’ll answer with some version of, “People who keep their commitments.” We trust people who do what they say they will. So a phenomenal way to build internal trust is to keep our word.
As women, we tend to be better about honoring the commitments we make to others; we put our internal agreements on the backburner. If it has to do with our family, friends, and our work, we often do what we say we will. But if it’s something that impacts only us, we can get pretty loosey-goosey with our word. When you don’t follow through on the commitments you make to yourself, you’re breaking trust and chipping away at your confidence.
Important note here: this is not about perfection. You are human, and you’ll let yourself and others down on occasion. Your opportunity here is to give yourself grace, practice forgiveness, learn, grow, and be better next time.
- Create and Communicate Boundaries
Another way to build internal confidence is to set and communicate healthy boundaries. But I hear from so many women that they have a hard time saying no because many of us have been socialized to be people pleasers and martyrs, so we feel like we’re never supposed to say no.
Every time we say yes to something, however, we’re saying no to something else, and it’s usually something that matters to us. We have a hard time saying no, often because we feel selfish or feel like we’re disappointing someone. But the reality is you’ll either disappoint them or yourself. An even bigger reality is that in saying no, you may gain your own trust and respect along with theirs.
Plan out what you’ll say ahead of time, so the next time someone asks, you’ll have a prepared response and won’t automatically default to, “Sure, I’ll do it!”
- Practice Self-Care
Yes, I’m jumping on the self-care bandwagon. However, how self-care is being modeled and encouraged has become a bit of a pet peeve of mine. I’m not talking about getting your hair and nails done or having frequent spa days. If that’s self-care to you, great. It’s not the entirety of what self-care means, though, and it has an element of privilege that makes it seem like only people with excess time and money can practice self-care.
I’m talking about things that actually fill your cup and bring you energy, and they don’t have to be expensive or complicated. Self-care for you might be deep breathing. It might be moving your body, getting outside, or reading a book.
What is it for you? What fills your cup and gives you energy? I’d also like to point out the word “practice” is crucial here, because self-care is ongoing, and practice is how we get better at just about anything.
- Follow the 3 Ps
My fourth suggestion for building confidence are the three Ps: Prepare, Plan, and Practice. I pass them on with a word of caution, though. Being prepared is great, but overpreparing will chip away at your confidence. Having a plan helps, but being overly attached to the plan will become problematic. And for the love of all things holy, practice, but keep in mind that the point of practicing is to do the thing. In all three cases, these Ps should lead to action.
Nervous to ask for that promotion? Prepare your talking points, plan for possible questions or objections, and practice what you’re going to say. Just remember, in order for it to be confidence building, you actually need to go ask for that promotion!
The Benefits of Building True Confidence Are Endless
You’re the only person responsible for building your confidence. You are the creator, the decider, and the giver.
When you build confidence, the benefits will impact every area of your life—your career, your family, your relationships, and even your hobbies. You’ll enjoy more peace and freedom instead of beating yourself up. You’ll make better decisions. You’ll take risks. You’ll chase bigger dreams. When your confidence is in your pocket, you’ll know that validation is really best used for parking.
