When Paul and I still lived near Philadelphia, we had our favorite place to go for date nights. Paul always drove us, and after a week of being cooped up at home with the kids, I was happy to kick back and let him handle it.
If you’ve ever lived in or around Philadelphia, you know some of the driving gets pretty “interesting”. Inevitably someone would pull a crazy stunt, and Paul would have to take sudden action to avoid a collision.
When he did, or when I saw another driver doing something crazy and assumed Paul hadn’t seen it, I would totally freak out… usually by screaming! Paul would get so angry at me, because my reaction took his focus from outside the car to inside the car, and put us at greater risk of an accident.
He also thought my “freakouts” meant I didn’t trust his driving, and since protecting me and our kids is his number one priority in life, the idea that I didn’t trust his driving rubbed him the wrong way.
This same driving kerfuffle dragged on for two years, ruining almost every date night we had, and it was extremely frustrating for the BOTH of us. Date night was my chance to get out of the house and feel like an adult, and the last thing I wanted was to fight with my husband (especially on date night!) Paul and I were both sick of this kerfuffle, but neither of us understood how to solve it.
Finally, it all came to a head one night, as we were driving on a country road near our house. Paul and I both knew the road very well… but it was extremely dark that night, and I was uneasy. There were deer on both sides of the road, and even though I couldn’t see them, I knew they were there.
As I sat there in the passenger seat, considering why I was so worked up and uneasy, a bolt of inspiration struck, and suddenly I asked Paul, “How far ahead can you see the trees?”
“I can see the trees all the way to that sign up ahead,” he said.
I squinted into the dark, but I couldn’t see anything resembling a sign. I could only see as far as the second light post up ahead (which wasn’t that far).
And that’s when it hit me. Finally, I realized that Paul can see so much better, and way further, than I can. Here I thought he was just speeding through total darkness, when in reality, he could see exactly where we were going, even at night!
I already knew what a confident driver Paul was. After graduating from high school, he got a union job that required him to drive across Pennsylvania and New Jersey, all day and all night long, for fourteen years.
That experience made him a phenomenal driver who’s aware of EVERYTHING. He knows when a vehicle several cars back is changing lanes. He knows if someone next to him is starting to drift into his lane. He sees all the open spots up ahead.
If he notices an accident in the works, he won’t be the driver who freezes. He’ll be the driver who takes action and gets out of the way. Paul drives fast, and he reacts fast, because he is so skilled behind the wheel.
From the outside, some of his driving looks abrupt, but it’s not abrupt because he’s reckless or endangering others. It’s because he takes action, in a heartbeat, to protect himself and his passengers. It’s one place where he really shines.
Even knowing Paul was a confident driver, I had no idea, until that night, that he could see so much more than I could. It also never occurred to him that I can’t see as well as he can! As a result of our assumptions–our judgments–we kept having this same kerfuffle over and over!
It’s only when I stopped judging the situation, and got curious, that we found what we needed to solve this kerfuffle once and for all!
Starting that night, Paul shifted how he interacts with me in the car. When he notices other drivers, or possible hazards on the side of the road (like deer), he lets me know he’s seen it, so I feel safe and protected. He still drives just as fast, but I’m not scared of it anymore, because I know he’s got it under control.
What’s amazing is that Paul didn’t make that change because I asked him to. He did it because he wanted to. It’s important to him that his passengers feel safe!
So many of the kerfuffles we have with our partner come from making judgments that lead to misunderstandings. A woman judges her masculine partner’s silence after a fight to mean he’s going to leave her. A man judges his feminine partner’s “overreaction” to something completely off his radar to mean she’s “crazy” and “irrational.”
But every judgment we make about our partners’ behavior and motives tears down the relationship. Instead of judging, Paul and I teach our students these three steps to begin solving their kerfuffles.
Step one is to get curious, like I did while trying to solve our driving kerfuffle. I didn’t ask Paul to change what works for him in order to make me happy. I just kept asking myself, “What am I missing? What am I not seeing?” Figuring that out helped us solve our kerfuffle once and for all.
What’s going on in your kerfuffles that you could be missing? What are you judging as true that might not be true at all?
Step two is to do the work to solve the kerfuffle. That might mean acquiring a new skill set, finding a new perspective so you can see it differently, or having a conversation with your partner outside the moment, to ask them what they think and why they think it (instead of assuming you know).
Getting curious is how you can also start preventing kerfuffles. So often in the moment, we make snap judgments about what our partner is thinking or feeling, or why they’re saying or doing what they’re saying or doing. Instead of assuming your snap judgment is correct, stop and ask yourself, “I wonder why they did (or said) that? What could I be missing?”
The more curious you can get about why your partner reacts how they react, says what they say, or thinks what they think, the more kerfuffles you can start to solve, and even prevent!
To get access to even more tools that can help you begin solving those exhausting repeat kerfuffles, check out our 14-Day Boost To Your Relationship
